My "All Over the Map" from next week's Arkansas Weekly:
The Stones or The Beatles? The Stones, particularly from 1969 to 1980.
Original recipe or crispy? Original, all the way.
Early Elvis or Vegas Elvis? Both, and skip most of his 1960s output.
In terms of hot female conservative pundits, Ann Coulter or Laura Ingraham? Ingraham, by a mile. Skela-Coulter scares me; something is definitely askew upstairs.
Laura Ingraham. Next to Karl Rove, she's America's Hottest Conservative.
In terms of hot female liberal pundits, Donna Brazile or Rachel Maddow? Pass.
Shepard Smith or Anderson Cooper? Oh, I think we can all agree that both are dreamboats, right guys?
Deep crust or thin? Thin. And crunchy.
|Shep and the Coop|
Leno or Letterman? There is no argument. Letterman. Letterman. Letterman. The goofier, the more sarcastic, etc., the better. Plus bonus points for Alan Kalter, the funniest announcer on television and Carrot Top’s possible father.
Kenny Chesney or Tim McGraw? This is like most Presidential elections: Picking the lesser of two evils. So I’ll go McGraw because one of his hits is a remake of a Ryan (not Bryan) Adams tune. Plus, his wife is a complete babe. Now if it was Tim McGraw or Jamey Johnson, I’m a Johnson man through and through.
For a weekend trip, Dallas or St. Louis? Oh. Tough one. But I’ll have to go with St. Louis simply because it has rich history and character, it has fantastic Italian restaurants, it’s where Budweiser beer is brewed, and in particular, it is the home of the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals.
Fox or MSNBC? CNN. I dig Wolf Blitzer’s massive face of hair.
Facebook or Twitter? Twitter. I find it a challenge to properly form a joke in 140 characters. But since I am a comedic genius (and those aren’t my words -- I’m just quoting my mother), it’s really not as hard as it sounds. Plus, I don’t get any requests for Lucky Slots!
Team Robert or Team Kristen? I can’t answer this. I’ll get too emotional. Sniffle.
Team Jacob or Team Edward? Team Van Helsing. Just because he’d kill ‘em both.
When it comes to ribs, wet or dry? Wet, for the most part, but definitely some dry ones at the Rendezvous.
Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse? Bugs, all the way! “Looney Tunes” rules.
Van Halen or Van Hagar? Both have their particular strengths and weaknesses, but for full on late night rock, it has to be Van Halen, correct? I mean, “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love”? Come on! DLR POWER!
Chewbacca or Sasquatch in a fight to the death battle? Chewbacca, because while Sasquatch is screaming and waving his arms trying to intimidate his fellow furry opponent, Chewie would just do an Indiana Jones and simply shoot Sasquatch with his laser gun.
Chewbacca or The Six Million Dollar Man? The Six Million Dollar Man. Not only because he has previously bested Sasquatch in hand-to-hand combat, but because Steve Austin could use his bionic speed and strength to tackle Chewbacca, wrestle the laser gun from the holster, and use it to laserblast Chewie’s face off until there’d be nothing left but blackened, exposed bone and the pungent smell of burnt Wookie hair and flesh.
Prince or Michael Jackson? Why, His Purple Majesty of course! The Artist Formerly Known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince gave us “When Doves Cry,” “Kiss,” “Purple Rain,” “Raspberry Beret,” “Little Red Corvette,” “When You Were Mine,” “Erotic City,” and on and on and on. Michael Jackson gave us “The Girl is Mine” and creepy feelings. (Though I would have liked to have seen a hand-to-hand death match between the two. It would have been the biggest sissy slap fight ever thrown down.)
Finally, the most important: Boxers or briefs? Neither. Leopard print thongs.