My 01.25.2012 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Here's my "All Over the Map" from the Jan. 25, 2012 issue of Arkansas Weekly:

As a person who likes to keep my intellectual juices flowing like an open fire hydrant, I’m constantly scouring the internet, newspapers, radio and periodicals to ensure I’m fully updated and acquainted with world events.

One periodical that is usually ahead of the curve when it comes to breaking news that affects us all is, of course, Star magazine.

And the Jan. 23 issue is a stunner!

First, we not only learned that 42-year-old Jennifer Lopez is allegedly paying her 24-year-old “Boy Toy” $10,000 a week, but then we turn the page and discover 39-year-old Cameron Diaz has new boobs!

However, I’m just skimming the surface of what this monumental issue of the Star fulfills in terms of hard-hitting and influential scoops. In fact, the cover boasts two – two! – colossal Kardashian jaw-droppers!

The first is the claim Bruce Jenner, also known as the creepy stepdad of the Kardashian clan, is a cross dresser. Apparently, it’s somewhat of an open secret in the Republic of Kardashian. Jenner even has a closet full of women’s clothes specifically fitted for him, according to the magazine.

This somewhat makes sense if you’ve followed the plasticization and metamorphosis of Bruce’s face in recent years. He recently had both ears pierced with matching diamond studs. His face is slowly tightening and increasingly becoming sculpted-looking. And his eyebrows are waxed into narrow feminine strips.

Yep, it’s really not hard to envision Bruce giggling and sharing a chardonnay with the girls after a long shopping day on Rodeo Drive. In fact, now that I think about it, I bet he looks pretty damn hot in a sequined mini dress and high heels.

The other Kardashian shocker in this issue of Star is the allegation that Khloe, the younger sister of Kourtney and Kim, is not truly a Kardashian! That’s right. The magazine suggests that Kris, who was formerly married to the late O.J. Simpson attorney Robert Kardashian, had an affair and the result was Khloe.

Apparently, this is old news to the Kardashian clan. Khloe has even questioned the lack of physical similarities between herself and the sisters. However, it’s interesting to note what is not addressed in the article -- specifically the name of Khloe’s possible father.

However, I believe I’ve found the identity of Khloe’s mystery dad. After careful research and investigation, I can safely say that it’s possible that the father of Khloe is one, Andre the Giant.

I know. That’s shocking, and since Andre is no longer with us, it might be hard to prove. But pull up one of his wrestling matches on You Tube. Or watch his incredible performance as Sasquatch in the famous Six Million Dollar Man episode. I think you’ll agree that if you squinted your eyes to make the television image seem a little fuzzy and then muted the sound, then you would not be able to tell the difference between the two.

Seriously.

My 01.18.2012 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly (NSFW)

Attention: Image below is Not Safe For Work. Or anywhere else for that matter.

Here's my "All Over the Map" from this week's issue of Arkansas Weekly:

Last November brought the opening of the Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art in Bentonville. The brainchild of Walmart heir, Alice Walton, Crystal Bridges is a significant addition to the state’s tourism landscape. Art lovers from far and wide will now journey to our beautiful state to admire the major works of American artists that are collected in this multi-million dollar museum. Arkansas, of all places, is now an important destination in the international art community.

Now, I’ve been presented with an exclusive scoop regarding the development and construction of another major tourist attraction coming to Arkansas, and this time, our neck of the woods will be the beneficiary of potentially millions of tourism dollars.

Late this summer, plans will be announced for the construction of a multi-million dollar museum in northern Independence County. This will be a museum so rich in culture and importance that, when combined with Crystal Bridges, will make Arkansas the “go-to” place for travelers from all over the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, in 2015, Walnut Grove, Arkansas will be the home of the Junior Samples Memorial Museum of the Hee Haw Historical Collective and Archives. This project will add millions to the local economy and will make Independence County a required stop for tourists worldwide.

Junior Samples

“I’m really excited,” said Munroe Reeve, constable of Walnut Grove and part-time Archie Campbell impersonator. Reeve, also known by locals as “that crazy guy who sometimes argues with himself on the side of the highway after a long night at Spanky’s Club,” says it was his love of the long-running country and western variety program that caused him to persuade the museum’s backers to locate in his small community.

“I was first noticed by Lulu (a longtime cast member on the show – Ed.) at a Hee Haw convention in Hattiesburg, Mississippi,” said Reeve. “She saw me singing the ‘PFFT! You was gone’ song in my Archie Campbell show at the convention. She said I reminded her so much of Archie, and we struck up a relationship, and the next thing you know, she’s introducing me to Goober, Misty Rowe, Mike Snider, Gailard Sartain, and Minnie Pearl’s hat. So, when I heard about plans for the museum, I lobbied hard for Walnut Grove through my Hee Haw connections.”

The museum will be roughly the size of Walmart and located next to a corn field that will be surrounded by a wooden fence that will spank people with one of its planks. Eventually, a 3,000 seat theatre will be constructed and a replica of Junior Sample’s car lot will sit nearby.

Visitors will be able to enjoy a variety of Hee Haw related activities including a “Gone, But Not Forgotten” show performed by animatronic versions of Junior Samples, Grandpa Jones, Minnie Pearl, Archie Campbell, Kenny Price and Buck Owens; a walk-through exhibit of an actual pair of pants once worn by Lulu; and as the name of the museum suggests, a vast archive of Hee Haw material and memorabilia including an original issue of Playgirl featuring a nude layout of the Hager Twins from 1973 and the actual stuffed carcass of Beauregard the Wonder Dog.

Reeve says the call is out to all surviving Hee Haw cast members to make plans to attend the projected opening.

“We even contacted the Hee Haw Honeys,” said Reeve. “And they all said they’d come providing it didn’t fall on bingo day at their retirement home.”

And yes, the Hager Twins really did pose for Playgirl. Minnie Pearl almost fainted when she saw this.

My 01.11.2012 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Here's my "All Over the Map" from next week's Arkansas Weekly:

What in the hay-el?

Seriously, what in the hay-el?

Here I go to my alma mater for what I thought would be a nice innocent high school basketball game, and I was shocked – shocked – to see two perfect examples of how our society is going to hay-el in a hambasket.

First, I get to the gym and pay my five dollars (FIVE DOLLARS! What is this? A Travelers game?), then I get my dill pickle and Pepsi-Cola, and I sit down with my Pioneer seat cushion because my hemorrhoids have been acting up and the first thing I notice is the dad-gum opposing team has a dad-gum boy cheerleader! (A BOY CHEERLEADER! What is this? A San Francisco high school team?) I almost spit out my Pepsi-Cola and dropped my dill pickle in complete and udder shock.

I tried to calm myself down because my doctor told me that if I get too riled up, my blood pressure goes sky-high, so I tried to think positive like, “Well, maybe the poor kid is like Rudy from that football movie. The other cheerleaders felt sorry for him because, for some twisted reason, he had always wanted to be a cheerleader, so they played along and let him be on the squad.” And, I guess another positive thing was the boy wasn’t wearing an actual girl cheerleader outfit.

Whatever. I tried to turn my mind off it and concentrate on my dill pickle, my Pepsi-Cola and the boys basketball game. But then I saw something else that curled my hairs: One of the referees had a dad-gum ponytail! (A PONYTAIL! What is this? A Ted Nugent concert?) I almost spit out the chunk of dill pickle I was chewing on in complete and udder shock.

Since when did hippies know anything about basketball? All they know about is rock and roll, dope and President Obama! In my world, every man would have a buzzcut flattop -- nice, tight and clean, brother.

I finally got around to composing myself and swallowing my pickle chunk. I had to remain calm or else my blood pressure was going to explode my heart and I’d fall over deceased with Pepsi-Cola spilt all over my John Wayne t-shirt and my cold dead hand clutching my dill pickle.

Breathe…in and out…in and out. Breathe…in and out…in and out.

I tried to concentrate again on the hardwood action when suddenly I realized the ref with the ponytail was not a man…but (might want to be sitting down for this one, brothers) a dad-gum girl! A girl referee for a boys basketball game! (A GIRL REFEREE! What is this? Canada?*)

Blood flushed my cheeks and a deep pain started to squeeze my heart. I gripped my dill pickle so hard, it popped straight up out of my hand, flew over the opposing team’s bench, and slid across the gym floor like a midget green torpedo. Then, one of our boys was flying down the court with a stolen ball, slipped on the pickle, and landed with a thud on his head. The ball flew from his hands, into the other team’s possession, and dad-gum if they didn’t score a dad-gum three-point basket all because there was a dad-gum girl referee and a dad-gum boy cheerleader.

And before you start judging me, thinking that it was my dill pickle that caused all of this ruckus, you need to remember that if the referee would’ve been a man and the cheerleader would have been a girl like the Good Lord intended, then I wouldn’t have squeezed my dad-gum pickle so dad-gum hard!

Thank you and good day!

We hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of “All Over the Map.” Through our legal team and his relatives, we’ve managed to commit – uh, we mean, send Rob on a long vacation to an exclusive resort where everyone wears white, the rooms are soft and padded, and shock – uh, we mean, massage therapy is administered on a weekly basis.

At least, on a weekly basis for him. It might be daily.

*Oh, and we have no idea what female referees and Canada have in common.

Thanking you,

The editors of Arkansas Weekly.