Here ya go. My column from this week's Arkansas Weekly. Happy 4th!
Let’s be clear: With the exception of my
mother, two sisters, daughter, niece, all of their associated friends, and every
female co-worker in the offices of W.R.D. Entertainment, I think most readers knew
I was being sarcastic with last week’s column.
I mean, come on, what sane man or
woman would think I would seriously recommend those extreme and overly
chauvinistic “tips” for a successful romantic relationship?
It baffles my mind to think some
readers might not have taken it with the intended grain of salt. I respect
women with the utmost sincerity. I am in awe of their beauty and their
magnificent role in the majestic glory of life. In this brutal world, one only
has to look to the angelic nature women provide in order to truly know there is
always feminine, maternal love to console and enlighten us in the face of
darkness.
In fact, I think we should do
everything we can to nourish, cherish and protect every single woman against
the negative influences of this world.
That’s why I’m proud to announce my intention
to begin a movement to ban further showings of the repulsive, big hit movie, Magic Mike, in Batesville.
Now, I know what you’re saying to
yourself: Rob, it’s a free country.
Censorship is so un-cool.
Well, hear me out, dear reader.
Women
all over the country are flocking to see Magic
Mike. In the film, horrid actors such as Channing Tatum and Matthew
McConaughey suggestively prance and dance around as a pair of male strippers
eagerly performing for audiences of drooling, seemingly demon-possessed women.
It’s frightening to watch as these middle-aged Jezebels lunge for the men’s
ripped torsos and their other, more secretive nether regions.
Ladies!
Is this how you want to be represented? Why would you want to be portrayed as
lust zombies carnivorous for Channing Tatum’s oiled buttocks? And why, for that
matter, would you want to subject yourselves to the ugly and unfortunate
physical oddities that plague and mar the physiques of Tatum and McConaughey? I’ve
seen better definition on men in a Who’s Who volume. In fact, if this wasn’t a
family paper, I’d publish a picture of what a real man – ME -- looks like in
nothing but leather pants and a smile.
(However,
I’d have to buy a pair of leather pants, and I’m a little low on funds right
now.)
Of
course, I would expect this perverted bile from the director of Magic Mike – one, Steven Soderbergh.
This is the sadistic mind behind films with such degenerate titles as Sex, Lies & Videotape; Underneath; The Limey; Full Frontal; Eros; The Girlfriend Experience; and Access
All Areas.
Plus
he directed Che -- a four and a half
hour movie about a communist who later became a successful t-shirt model, and Erin Brockovich, a film that supported
the theory that if a woman just got a law degree and a push-up bra then she
would be portrayed by Julia Roberts.
Making
a movie about a bunch of over-sexed and over-tanned blockheads flaunting their
bodies for crowds of women who should be ashamed of themselves sounds about the
norm for Mr. Soderbergh.
He’s
nothing more than a modern day Mercury Marquis de Sade!
So,
join me tonight at the Oaks 7 Cinema in Batesville, as I gather a group of
like-minded individuals in protesting this sickening Magic Mike movie being displayed to hundreds of local women. We
must ensure our sometimes-naïve ladies are not swayed into thinking such
behavior by the women in the film is even remotely acceptable or proper. Their
innocence must be protected.
Showtime
is at 7:05, so let’s gather around 6:30.
Oh,
and if you were planning to come to my bonfire of the Fifty Shades novels tomorrow night at Riverside Park, I regret to
inform you that it has been cancelled due to lack of rain.
Damn
burn ban.
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