It seems as I grow older, the years zip by in a flash. This year seemed -- hang on…lame pop culture joke ahead -- as long as Kim Kardashian’s wedding. So with 2012 only days away, it seems time to compile a list of my resolutions for the new year.
Obviously, any list of New Year’s resolutions has to include a goal relating to the improvement of one’s physical well-being -- whether it be losing weight, stopping smoking or working out more. In 2012, I hope to shed a few pounds, but I also need to do some other things to better my health.
For instance, it’s probably not too wise to eat burned bacon lathered in mayonnaise every day. I can’t help it, but I’m hooked on it. I also enjoy chocolate-dipped fried chicken. That can’t be too good for you, but I did read somewhere that chocolate is now considered heart healthy. And at least it’s poultry and not red meat.
I probably need to start going to the doctor more often, as well. I’ve noticed that I’m usually short of breath after I tie my shoes or brush my hair. I don’t think I should be bleeding from my eyes every day. Plus, I know it’s not normal if small worms are starting to grow underneath my toenails. I need to get that checked out.
I need to also develop some positive hobbies to help with my spare time. Instead of driving to North Little Rock to meet the guys at Hooters every day after work for some beers and then putting on a ski mask and robbing pharmacies throughout the Little Rock metro area, perhaps I should instead join a local book club or take dance lessons and then go put on a ski mask and rob pharmacies throughout the Little Rock metro area.
This is me exiting the Asher Pharmacy in Little Rock last week. I'm glad the camera caught my best profile.
Another 2012 resolution is to make an effort to be a much more polite individual. If I’ve had a busy day or if I’m stressed, I usually tend to be abrupt and rude to other people. Just yesterday at the grocery store, I screamed out my car window at a woman who was taking her sweet time to cross the parking lot. It’s a wonder she didn’t throw her walker at my vehicle.
She did flip me the bird, though.
I also need to stop playing practical jokes so much because a lot of people do not have a good sense of humor. I mean, I think it’s really fun to walk through area rest homes dressed as the Grim Reaper, knock on a patient’s door and say something like, “All right, Myrtle. The fat lady has sung! Let’s roll!” But since I’ve been arrested twice for doing that, I suppose I should stop.
(Now, one practical joke I refuse to stop playing is when I release a trash can full of live snakes in area kindergarten classes. It’s so much fun to see all those kids screaming as they run over each other trying to get out of the room. Talk about good times!)
In 2012, I know I have to clean out my closet. There are dirty clothes everywhere, piles of shoes I no longer wear, and to be frank, it’s beginning to stink in there. In fact, the stench seems a little rotten. It’s been that way ever since my housekeeper, Corina, went missing a few months ago. Ah, Corina. What an angel. I miss her. In fact, now that I think about it, the last place I saw Corina was in my closet. She was trying to arrange my shoes and said something like, “Mr. Grace! ¡Ayuda! ¡Corazón mío! Mi corazón!” Then she went to sleep right there on the floor under a pile of old sweatpants.
Latin was always so hard for me to understand.
Finally, I hope to be a better writer in 2012. I know. You’re likely asking yourself, “How can one improve on sheer genius?” But a good writer is always looking to expand his talent and thus transform literature as we knows it. And of course their is no doubt I am the person who is a writer that can do such a thing because my words flow together good like a bird of a feather and I am always coming up with really well and good ideals that make really well and good readings of my columns that are printed hear in this pages.
So, their you go!
Happy New Year!