My 12.28.2011 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Here's next week's "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly:

It seems as I grow older, the years zip by in a flash. This year seemed -- hang on…lame pop culture joke ahead -- as long as Kim Kardashian’s wedding. So with 2012 only days away, it seems time to compile a list of my resolutions for the new year.

Obviously, any list of New Year’s resolutions has to include a goal relating to the improvement of one’s physical well-being -- whether it be losing weight, stopping smoking or working out more. In 2012, I hope to shed a few pounds, but I also need to do some other things to better my health.

For instance, it’s probably not too wise to eat burned bacon lathered in mayonnaise every day. I can’t help it, but I’m hooked on it. I also enjoy chocolate-dipped fried chicken. That can’t be too good for you, but I did read somewhere that chocolate is now considered heart healthy. And at least it’s poultry and not red meat.

I probably need to start going to the doctor more often, as well. I’ve noticed that I’m usually short of breath after I tie my shoes or brush my hair. I don’t think I should be bleeding from my eyes every day. Plus, I know it’s not normal if small worms are starting to grow underneath my toenails. I need to get that checked out.

I need to also develop some positive hobbies to help with my spare time. Instead of driving to North Little Rock to meet the guys at Hooters every day after work for some beers and then putting on a ski mask and robbing pharmacies throughout the Little Rock metro area, perhaps I should instead join a local book club or take dance lessons and then go put on a ski mask and rob pharmacies throughout the Little Rock metro area.

This is me exiting the Asher Pharmacy in Little Rock last week. I'm glad the camera caught my best profile.

Another 2012 resolution is to make an effort to be a much more polite individual. If I’ve had a busy day or if I’m stressed, I usually tend to be abrupt and rude to other people. Just yesterday at the grocery store, I screamed out my car window at a woman who was taking her sweet time to cross the parking lot. It’s a wonder she didn’t throw her walker at my vehicle.

She did flip me the bird, though.

I also need to stop playing practical jokes so much because a lot of people do not have a good sense of humor. I mean, I think it’s really fun to walk through area rest homes dressed as the Grim Reaper, knock on a patient’s door and say something like, “All right, Myrtle. The fat lady has sung! Let’s roll!” But since I’ve been arrested twice for doing that, I suppose I should stop.

(Now, one practical joke I refuse to stop playing is when I release a trash can full of live snakes in area kindergarten classes. It’s so much fun to see all those kids screaming as they run over each other trying to get out of the room. Talk about good times!)

In 2012, I know I have to clean out my closet. There are dirty clothes everywhere, piles of shoes I no longer wear, and to be frank, it’s beginning to stink in there. In fact, the stench seems a little rotten. It’s been that way ever since my housekeeper, Corina, went missing a few months ago. Ah, Corina. What an angel. I miss her. In fact, now that I think about it, the last place I saw Corina was in my closet. She was trying to arrange my shoes and said something like, “Mr. Grace! ¡Ayuda! ¡Corazón mío! Mi corazón!” Then she went to sleep right there on the floor under a pile of old sweatpants.

Latin was always so hard for me to understand.

Finally, I hope to be a better writer in 2012. I know. You’re likely asking yourself, “How can one improve on sheer genius?” But a good writer is always looking to expand his talent and thus transform literature as we knows it. And of course their is no doubt I am the person who is a writer that can do such a thing because my words flow together good like a bird of a feather and I am always coming up with really well and good ideals that make really well and good readings of my columns that are printed hear in this pages.

So, their you go!

Happy New Year!

My 12.21.2011 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Here's my "All Over the Map" from this week's Arkansas Weekly:


“All right, Gov. Perry. We’re ready when you are.”

“Okay. I think I know how I want it to flow. Let’s do this.”

“Fantastic. Here we go. Everyone ready? Gov. Perry campaign ad, take one. And…action, governor!”

“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where those who illegally enter this country are hunted down by good ‘ole boys in American-made pickup trucks. In fact – ”.

“Wait! Cut! Hold on. Gov. Perry. The first two items were great! Good delivery. Good eye contact with the camera. But the last thing…about the hunting of humans, you know? Uh. I’m not sure if we want to go there.”

“Oh. Well, let me take it in another direction. Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. Here we go. Gov. Perry campaign ad, take two. And…action, governor!”

“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where people who don’t believe in the God you and I believe in are rounded up and put in camps where electrodes are then attached to their – ”

“Whoops! Cut! Hold on there, governor. That’s a little drastic.”

“What? They’re going to hell anyway.”

“Well, let’s try something a little less dramatic and, um, without any violence. Take on another subject that might not be too divisive. Okay?”

“Aw, shucks. Okay. Hmmm. Wait. I think I got something.”

“Good! Let’s try it! Gov. Perry campaign ad, take three. And…action, governor!”

“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where guys who wear earrings and/or talk with a slight lisp are dragged screaming from their homes by a mob of real men…you know, men who hunt and who watch NASCAR – ”

“Huh? What? No! No! Cut! Cut! You can’t say stuff like that!”

“What’d I say? You’re confusing me here.”

“Governor, let’s try to come up with a third point that everyone can agree with, all right? Something not too controversial. Something sensible. Something that makes perfect sense to every American.”

“Hmmm. Let me think. Wow. Oh! Wait. I got it!”

“Okay. Excellent! Gov. Perry campaign ad, take four. And…action, governor!”

“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where people who write ridiculous columns like the one you’re reading right now are lathered up in barbecue sauce and taken away to a remote part of the jungle where cannibalistic tribes have been known to feast on slightly chubby, white-headed men. The world just doesn’t need morons like the person writing this column. I know you agree, and if I'm elected President, I’ll make sure some tribe is having Rob Grace stew before the end of my first term. I’m Rick Perry, and I approved this message.”

“And…cut! Print that sucker! That was perfect.”

My 12.14.2011 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Here's next week's "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly that will likely land me on Santa's "Naughty" list:

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas with dazzling lights, stores full of shoppers, and an occasional snowfall.

And one thing is for sure: Santa and his elves are very busy right now at the North Pole, making the toys and gadgets for all the little boys and girls who have received a spot on his “Nice” list.

However, things may not be so jolly up at the Pole. Last month, I received a series of somewhat disturbing emails from a person who claimed to be one of Santa’s diminutive workers. They paint a picture of a Santa Claus that is very different from the one to which we’ve grown accustomed.

Obviously, for job security, let’s refer to this elf as Elf X. Elf X contacted me after Googling the phrase "Esteemed, magnificent and genius journalist.” Obviously, he wanted the best, and of course, he found it.

His first email explained that he was concerned about the mental stability of his boss. Apparently, Elf X and all of the other elves at the workshop have noticed significant changes in Santa’s behavior, attitude and appearance.

“It all started when we realized that Mrs. Claus has been spending a lot of time in Cancun,” Elf X wrote. “Apparently, they’ve been living apart for a while. We’re pretty sure she’s not cheating on Santa, but he has really lost some weight and has been looking pretty rough lately since she’s been gone.

“Some nights, his driveway is full of sleds and snowmobiles with techno music blasting from his house until the wee hours of the morning. And he’ll stagger into work after lunch wearing sweat pants and reeking of peppermint schnapps and cigarettes. It’s like he’s partying to keep Mrs. Claus off his mind.”

I contacted one of Santa’s other holiday peers for his thoughts, and I was surprised to learn some interesting nuggets of information.

“What I’ve heard – and this can go on the record because Kris and I haven’t been friendly since he threw up all over my baskets one year – is that Mrs. Claus found some lewd pictures of Kim Kardashian on his laptop,” wrote the Easter Bunny in a recent email to me. “She said that he initially denied he had downloaded the pics, and that some disgruntled elves had planted them on his laptop. Then when she found that infamous Kim Kardashian DVD in his collection, he finally came clean.

“He swore he’d get rid of all the pics and the DVD, but then a week or two later, she found a bunch of texts to and from Kim on his iPhone. That’s when she got online, found a nice condominium in Cancun, and flew the coop. I even hear she’s seeing a young Mexican pool boy from the condo complex and had breast augmentation surgery.”

Back at the North Pole, Elf X has been reporting more erratic behavior from Santa.

“Just last week, he hosted Charlie Sheen, Snoop Dogg, some strippers, and some short chubby creep they called ‘The Hedgehog’ for an all-night party,” Elf X wrote. “The next day, Santa called in sick. When he finally showed up at the workshop, he was wearing an Ed Hardy sweatshirt, Adidas jogging pants, a new silver earring, and he had shaved his beard into a goatee! He even had a new tattoo he was showing off. This isn’t the Santa we all know. We’re worried. And this new lifestyle is definitely affecting his health. You should see all the cold sores!”

Elf X confirms this is the man known only as "The Hedgehog" that was sighted at the Claus compound with Charlie Sheen, Snoop Dogg and others last week.

I tried to reach Santa through his publicity firm, but they noted Santa is giving no interviews whatsoever. When I pointed out that he has recently been calling into “The Howard Stern Show” on a regular basis, they hung up on me.

I also placed a call to Kim Kardashian, but she had just broken a nail and was too distraught to talk.

E! Entertainment Television happened to catch Kim on the phone to our scribe right after she broke her nail. She was too distraught to talk to me and was later taken to her personal therapist to try and make it through the fractured fingernail ordeal.