Here's my "All Over the Map" from the 10.05.2011 issue of Arkansas Weekly. By the way, this is the uncensored version. You've been warned.
It happened in a flash. It happened so fast that, initially, people could not process what they were actually seeing.
Then, when it all came together, the screaming started, en masse, all across America.
In homes with families, the children began to scream first when they realized what it was they were seeing on the television screen. Then, the adults in the room recognized the horror that was being broadcast. Panicked, they moved quickly to their crying children and tried to shield their eyes.
Many adults, whether they were watching with their family or friends or simply alone, also screamed and wept. Some could not move their eyes away from the gruesome image. There were other reports of viewers fainting, vomiting, and/or physically destroying their television out of shock and anger that such a thing could ever happen.
In Dayton, Ohio, one man’s eyes literally started to bleed profusely. And in a suburb of Chicago, 43-year-old Benjamin Calverton witnessed what had happened, then in front of his wife, Sally; his 11-year-old son, Benny; and their 3-year-old cocker spaniel, Toots, he calmly walked to his toolbox, retrieved a cordless screwdriver, hit the power button, and shoved it in both of his eyes, one after the other.
It should be noted that HLN host Nancy Grace has vehemently denied that her right breast was exposed after performing on the September 26 episode of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars, but authorities beg to differ.
“I’ve briefed the President on the exposure of Nancy Grace’s breast and the now-thousands of reports of traumatized citizens,” said Janet Napolitano, secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, in a news conference four hours after the incident’s broadcast. “He will instruct the Federal Communications Commission to conduct a full investigation as to why this horrific incident happened, and we are coordinating with state authorities to help set up phone centers staffed with therapists and clergy for those who are trying to cope with the revolting sight of Ms. Grace’s hideous and creepy areola.”
In a statement from ABC, the network’s president, Anne Sweeney said: “ABC Television deeply apologizes for the completely accidental exposure of Nancy Grace’s breast on the September 26 episode of Dancing with the Stars. We are conducting a thorough, in-house investigation as to why a section of Ms. Grace’s chunky hooter flopped out on live television, and we sincerely apologize for any trauma this has caused to our audience. We at ABC Television pride ourselves on quality entertainment for all Americans, even though we are responsible for Joy Behar’s popularity by having her on The View. We actually apologize for that as well. And while I’m at it, we at ABC would also like to apologize for bringing a new version of Charlie’s Angels to the air. No one really asked for it, and I’ll admit it sucks -- big time. But you really should check out Pan Am, our new hit show that airs Sunday nights at 10 eastern. It’s going to be a big, big hit – as long as we can keep one of the actresses’ drinking under control.”
Yet, many organizations do not accept ABC’s remorse.
Donald Wildmon, the head of the American Family Association, demanded the FCC impose a record-breaking fine against every ABC affiliate in the country.
“It’s an outrage what Ms. Grace’s boob has done to the moral fabric of this nation with just one exposure,” said Wildmon. “First, Chaz Bono. Now this. What’s next for Dancing with the Stars? Full scale pornography? If John Holmes was still around, I bet they’d have him as a contestant prancing around Tom Bergeron in an extra small jock strap just waiting for that anaconda to spring out, and – oh, never mind.”
We were unable to locate a picture of John Holmes for reference at this point in the article. Therefore, we found a picture of someone who is rumored to possess many of Mr. Holmes' attributes.
Even those in rural areas of the country were horrified.
“I don’t think I will ever get over seeing Nancy Grace’s teat,” said Jim Congognoson, a 34-year-old professional breakdancer from Thida, Arkansas. “I was watching it with some buddies and the corpse of their grandmother, and I swear I thought even the dead grandmother was gonna toss her cookies.”
And in Batesville, Arkansas, one man was quick to point out that the Nancy Grace on television was not the same Nancy Grace who is his mother.
“I just want everyone to know that my mom, Nancy Grace, is not the Nancy Grace who exposed her own hooter on national television,” said Rob Grace, a columnist for Arkansas Weekly and part-time Edgar Winter impersonator. “However, I will note that I break with most Americans in saying that the exposure of Nancy Grace’s boobie was a terrifying event. In fact, I kind of thought it was sort of sexy. Just like her nostrils.”