My 08.31.2011 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Here's my "All Over the Map" from next week's Arkansas Weekly:

Go Rob!

I’ve finally decided to dedicate myself to becoming a better person – both emotionally and physically.

Life’s too short to be full of regrets, hurt feelings and missed opportunities. That’s why starting tomorrow I will rise at 5 a.m., tuck my t-shirt into the waistband of my gym shorts, pull said shorts tight above my belly button, slip on my tube socks and sneakers, and go for a powerwalk around Walmart. Physical fitness is key to one’s mental attitude, and such strenuous exercise will be the foundation for the New Rob.

After a hot shower, I’ll go to work, refreshed and pumped for the day. I’ll walk around the office with a straight posture, greet my fellow employees with a wide grin, and say: “I certainly hope your day will be as wonderful and rewarding as mine will be! Go Team W.R.D. Entertainment!”


When someone calls me on the telephone, I will answer with a cheerful proclamation such as, “Rob Grace speaking! How may I assist you in making your day run positively and efficiently?!?” If that person is, say, a particular debt collector, I will tell them, “I’m quite optimistic that my finances will soon be in a position where I am able to pay down the balance in a consistent manner. After all ma’am, you’ll notice many of those charges are to the North Little Rock Hooters and an ATM close to an exotic dance club in Jacksonville, but I’ve now made a commitment to be a better person! So instead of visiting those establishments every night, I’ve now decided to only go every other night!”

I’ll also become a better son. I will make a commitment to ensure I visit Mother and Father on a more regular basis, and I will gladly offer my help in locating a new residence for both of them in some type of retirement village on the West Coast. Yes, they’re still active, vibrant and healthy, but I’m currently living in an apartment, and I know their home would be much better for developing my newfound optimistic attitude. Plus, I need the space for the frequent gatherings I will host for all of my friends that I have met in North Little Rock and Jacksonville. Besides, Mother and Father love California. It’s a win-win situation!

A healthy diet will also come with a healthy lifestyle change. For years, breakfast has consisted of cold pizza, 10 to 12 Rolaids, and eight Advils. Lunch would be two Quarter Pounders, large fries and a Coke. And dinner would be the 50 piece Daytona Beach Wings from Hooters and 15 beverages. Now? I will skip the caloric intake breakfast provides and concentrate on fresh fish and vegetables – such as batter fried catfish or tilapia with mashed potatoes and gravy or fried okra – for other meals. And instead of 15 12 oz. beverages, I’ll cut back to five 40 oz. beverages. It will take dedication, but I’m ALL IN!

I also promise to be a better friend. I will choose to offer myself fully and freely to all of my friends. If one friend calls me to help him move, I will say, “Dear friend, I would LOVE to help you move your furniture! In fact, I bet our mutual friend, David, would be more than happy to help you move. Plus, he would be much more effective in helping you move than I would be at this current state because I’m currently clad only in my underwear as I lounge on my couch watching a marathon of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I think it would be unfortunate and detrimental to the development of my new positivity to miss any second of this fascinating television program. So, I am happy I could recommend that you call David. Thank you, and have a wonderful day!”

Finally, choosing to be around the right people will also be a priority. For the past few years, I’ve met potential new friends online, and in three cases, I’ve traveled to meet them face to face. Yet this has always resulted in disappointment because those new “friends” misrepresented themselves and put me in awkward and uncomfortable situations – particularly with Dateline NBC’s Chris Hansen. However, something positive did emerge from those incidents: I now hold the record for the most appearances on his program, To Catch a Predator.

See, looking at such situations in an optimistic light greatly and positively enhances your mood!

Why don't you have a seat, Rob?

My 08.24.2011 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Here's my "All Over the Map" from this week's Arkansas Weekly.


With school back in session, I’ve been thinking a lot about my days as a student.

See, I loathed school. With a passion.

One major reason school wasn’t for me was the fact that I was regularly beat up at school by mean bullies.

I don’t particularly know why I was a target for such bullying. Perhaps it was because the other kids were jealous of my sartorial elegance. Each morning, Mommy would have a perfectly pressed suit and tie for me to wear. On hot days, I wore knee-length trousers and carried an umbrella for shade, and in the winter, a sweater vest kept me snug and warm underneath my blazer. But the other mean students continually mocked me for my stylish wardrobe. Many days, I came home with my umbrella wrapped around my neck or my tie cut in half. Now, of course, I can understand their rage. I mean if I had to wear a raggedy t-shirt with AC/DC across the front and denim pants, I would have had nothing but envy for someone with such a stunning taste in fashion as myself.

I was also bullied because my Mommy walked me to class every day without fail. Sure, some kids might have thought it odd that Mommy walked with me each morning, but deep down, I’m quite certain many of those students would have secretly loved to have had their mother walk them to the schoolroom door, kiss them on their cheek and straighten their tie. It was simply a wonderful way to begin the day -- particularly during the stressful days of high school. Yet after Mommy had walked back to her car, a group of fellow students would then pounce on me like a pack of starving kids hitting a piñata.

It was of no use to complain to the teachers because many times they were in on the action, as well. I vividly remember one time when I told my accounting teacher that a certain pair of slacks enhanced her cellulite. Of course I thought I was doing her a favor, but when she asked me to stay after class, she slammed an abacus over my head.

Physical education class was also a nightmare. Mommy had specifically told the coach that any type of strenuous activity could possibly cause me to have shortness of breath and/or perspiration. Yet the coach seemed to ignore her instructions and purposefully instructed me to double the required exercises, viciously yelling at me all the while. The other kids would laugh and cheer on the coach while I tried with all of my might to do a push up. Mommy and I told my Papa that some type of legal action should be taken against the coach, but Papa ignored our pleas. So, each day after P.E., some girls I had befriended in chess club would help carry me to the school nurse to have a cold washcloth placed on my forehead.

Speaking of girls, I was regularly beaten by them as well. I remember Sandy Kristopher and her ugly face, in particular. Once, in the third grade, she was wearing this horrid Garanimal ensemble that did nothing for her lumpy body. “Oh dear, Sandy,” I said as I looked her up and down. “Did your mother paint that wretched outfit on you? You look like a walrus in Saran Wrap.” The last thing I remember before I passed out from the pain is Sandy successfully shoving my Mead Bee Gees three-ring binder up my bottom.

So, yes, my school years were not memorable. I’ve been in therapy ever since, and I break out in hives whenever I run across my P.E. coach in the grocery store. But, overall, I think I’ve managed to put it all behind me. I must say, though, that I am disappointed my children will not allow me to walk them to class.

I tried that with my daughter when she went to first grade, but I could tell she did not like it.

Because, in her innocent little girl voice, she said she would -- quote -- “kick my ass” if I ever did that again.

My 08.17.2011 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Here's my "All Over the Map" from the 08.17.2011 Arkansas Weekly:

This photo was taken shortly after Big Bird's collapse in downtown Batesville, Ark.

Big Bird, the giant feathery talking animal beloved by millions of children over the years on television's Sesame Street, recently collapsed and died Saturday from heat related issues in Batesville, Arkansas. He was 45 years old.

Big Bird had been in Arkansas visiting fellow Sesame Street cast members, Bert and Ernie, at their vacation lake house near Heber Springs. Authorities say the three were in downtown Batesville “antiquing” at various shops when Big Bird collapsed outside Elizabeth’s restaurant.

Jennifer Hidy, a hostess at the restaurant, told Arkansas Weekly that Big Bird looked a little woozy before he fell to the sidewalk.

“It was a very traumatic scene,” she said. “Bert tried to resuscitate Big Bird. Ernie was sobbing and screaming for someone to call 911. And there were a lot of children just crying and holding on to their mothers. To see someone who brought so much joy and laughter to so many people just lifelessly sprawled out on the sidewalk with his tongue hanging out of his mouth was just heartbreaking.”

Billy Dee Carmichael, 7, is comforted by his father, Samson, at the scene after authorities pronounced Big Bird dead as a doornail.

The emotions were still running high after Big Bird was pronounced dead. When this reporter tried to get a comment from Bert, I was physically attacked.

“What the hell are you doing you bastard?!?” Bert screamed while slapping my chest. “Get out of here!”

By the end of the day, flowers, candles and Big Bird dolls lined the sidewalk where he had passed. Gov. Mike Beebe flew from Little Rock by the late afternoon to pay his respects and to comfort Bert and Ernie.

“Big Bird was a wonderful and glowing light to millions of kids and adults,” Gov. Beebe told reporters in downtown Batesville. “I just got through telling Bert and Ernie how much their friendship meant to Big Bird and that Big Bird will always be in our hearts. I will say I was disappointed that Bert used this very personal moment to grill me on my opposition to same sex marriages, but Ernie calmed him down. It just wasn’t the right time to discuss politics.”

Gov. Mike Beebe arriving at the scene of Big Bird's passing.

At Sesame Street, a somber mood fell across the apartments, stores and sidewalks. TMZ reported that a despondent-looking Cookie Monster was sighted wandering the streets with an empty box of Keebler Fudge Shoppe cookies while Maria was spotted cradling a weeping Elmo outside the Fix-It Shop.

However, Oscar the Grouch told the New York Post that he could “care less” about the death of Big Bird.

“He was an idiot,” Oscar was quoted as saying. “We all know he was as slow as molasses upstairs. I mean as dumb as a bag of wrenches, and really, he was also a prima donna. Did you know it was in his contract that none of the kids on the show were to talk to him or make eye contact? Hell, I even talk to the kids! They have more sense than some of these (expletive deleted) morons around here.”

Yet the majority of other Sesame Street residents remembered Big Bird with fondness. Grover told TMZ that Big Bird was “…a really sweet and goofy guy.” And Kermit the Frog released a statement that noted “…while I may be the star of Sesame Street, Big Bird was the heart of Sesame Street.”

Funeral arrangements for Big Bird are incomplete and will be announced at a later date. A public memorial, however, has been scheduled outside Hooper’s Store for September 20. Tom Hanks has been announced as the host of the memorial which will include performances from Paul Simon, Stevie Wonder, Justin Bieber and Bette Midler. Morgan Freeman will read selected poetry and scripture while The Count will deliver an address entitled, “Big Bird: Let Us Count the Reasons Why We Love You.” Big Bird’s confidant, Aloysius Snuffleupagus, is also expected to speak, but his whereabouts are currently unknown.

Snuffleupagus and the late Big Bird in happier times.