Dear readers, in this space I’ve consistently shared many aspects of my life, and by now, I feel most of you have accepted my strange quirks and unique outlooks.
However, I feel I must now explain something about my personal life that might give some pause. In all honestly though, I know most of you will accept this newfound change because I have many caring and loving supporters.
You see, dear readers, I have fallen in love. While it is not a love many of you would consider conventional, it is still…love. And love cannot always conform to what society designates as normal.
So in the spirit of sharing all things about my life, I am here to proclaim that I have fallen in joyous, silly, happy love – with a monkey.
Yes, I know there is somewhat of a slight stigma associated with responsible adults having romantic relationships with animals, but this is not some demented perversion in my case. This is love.
This is a gentle, loving spirit for whom I have fallen. This is a soul with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.
I only met the monkey last week. His name is Wilson, and he came to the W.R.D. Entertainment offices with his trainer for an appearance on the Arkansas 103.3 KWOZ morning show. As soon as I saw Wilson, I was smitten. His innocent brown eyes and delicate limbs looked as if they belonged to an angel. When his trainer brought Wilson out of the studio, I immediately asked for a picture with Wilson. I told the trainer my kids would enjoy it, but in reality, I only wanted to feel the long monkey fingers of his monkey hands touch my cheek and his soft furry monkey tail curl around my neck.
When he perched himself upon my shoulder, I instantly felt an electrical surge shoot down my spine. I’m sure Wilson also felt a kindred voltage of true electricity. In fact, if you look at the picture below, you can see that he too has the realization that he has likely found his soul mate.
I wanted the moment to last forever. In fact, I began walking to my vehicle with Wilson still on my shoulder in hopes that we could drive off and never return. We’d drive to places unknown, holding hands and listening to my favorite Michael Bolton CDs. The wind would tussle his fur, and we’d look at each other as we drove down the highway with “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” blaring from the speakers.
We’d stop and eat delicious meals at romantic restaurants such as Chili’s or Ryan’s. I would order the freshly prepared loaded potato skins while I’d have the chef puree bananas for Wilson. Sure, other diners might stop and stare at the man and the monkey staring dreamily into each other’s eyes, but Wilson and I would just silently laugh to ourselves, knowing that those people would likely never experience a love such as ours.
Later, we would settle in a little apartment somewhere in the Florida panhandle. Our abode would not have to be fancy, for material things are trivial when compared to the blessed love Wilson and I share. We’d make ends meet by performing for the tourists, and if that didn’t work, I would simply pose for those beefcake postcards that can be found at the tourist gift shops lining the gulf coast highways (see below). In fact, I’d prefer that because then Wilson could stay at home and relax by watching Animal Planet all day.
Sadly, at this point, my fantasy was interrupted. On my way to the vehicle, Wilson’s trainer tackled me just as I had started to run. Wilson desperately clung to my hair, knowing he was about to be separated from his one true love. Screaming, Wilson lunged for my face and gave me a deep bite by which I could remember him. His sharp monkey fangs plunged through my cheek while his long monkey fingers reached for my eye as he tried to stop my tears.
I don’t know where Wilson is now, but I will find him. A love like this is not meant to be divided.
Wilson, I will find you. You have my heart in yours.
Oh, you also have my eye. Keep it in a safe place, and on ice if you don’t mind.