My 04.27.2011 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Not that you care, but there are some interesting things about me that you may not know.

For instance, I think if more folks began their day as I do, they would be refreshed and energized. I usually wake up around 6:20 a.m., pour myself a glass of a cold diet cola, and then soak in a hot bath for 40 minutes as I catch up on email and the news on my cell phone. I find that a long hot bath relaxes and prepares me for the day.

Around 7 a.m., I’ll remove my wet pajamas and shower before taking the kids to school. While driving the kids to school, I usually notice that they’re still tired from the night’s sleep. So to wake them up and infuse into them a hearty sense of alertness, I’ll wait until I see a large truck heading our way -- ideally an 18-wheeler -- in the opposite lane. At just the right moment, I’ll quickly veer my car into the truck’s path while screaming as loud as I can: “OH NO! MY STEERING’S OUT! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”

Of course, I’ll steer my car back into our lane just as the truck passes, usually with its horn blaring. I then turn the car around and take the kids back to the house so they can change their pants.

Many of you also may not know that I also have a large collection of celebrity toe jam – perhaps the largest of its kind. In my room devoted to the collection, you’ll find donations from Regis Philbin, M.C. “You Can’t Touch This” Hammer, renowned fiddler Doug Kershaw, Ben “Roots” Vereen, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, Carol “Hello Dolly” Channing, Kirk “Growing Pains” Cameron, Jerry Springer, comic superstar Louis Anderson and consumer advocate Ralph Nader. Each sample comes with a picture the celebrity scooping their nail residue into the plastic cup I had provided by mail for proper authentication. I’m hoping to pass the samples onto my children because, in the future when cloning will be the norm, I’m certain the collection will be priceless. For example, utilizing the DNA I’ve collected, future generations will be able to enjoy the Cajun fiddlin’ of a cloned Mr. Kershaw, the fine comic styling of a cloned Mr. Anderson, and the majestic parachute pants of a cloned Mr. Hammer.

(I should note that for some reason the children want nothing to do with my collection of toe jam, thinking it’s “creepy,” “disgusting,” and “just another example of why people make fun of you, Dad.” Of course, I realize that’s just kids talking, and they’ll soon come around and accept it.)

A very special clip of Mary Tyler Moore, Doug Kershaw, Ben Vereen and The Manhattan Transfer. I'm still seeking toe jam from Ms. Moore and the Transfer folks.

My 04.13.2011 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

I’m a busy guy.

Between my duties here at W.R.D. Entertainment; writing this column; training for the decathlon events in which I regularly compete; researching and working on my soon-to-be-published 1,700 page historical novel; teaching my line dancing classes; and starting my own cult, I barely have time to breathe.

So, obviously, it’s rare that I make public appearances for one of the radio stations here at W.R.D. But when I do appear at a broadcast from one of our fine sponsors, I have to make sure W.R.D. Entertainment makes it worth my time.

Because of my time constraints as well as my stellar reputation for quality broadcasting entertainment, I have a list of requirements W.R.D. Entertainment must meet before I do such broadcasts.

For instance, due to an unforeseen staffing issue, I was recently asked to broadcast from an area car dealership on our pop music station, 99.5 Hits Now. Before I agreed to commit to the broadcast, here is the list of my requests W.R.D. Entertainment will honor in order to secure my talent:

1: The services of two large bodyguards will be made available to me (at W.R.D. Entertainment’s expense). There will likely be numerous women who will try to touch and/or kiss and/or rip off my shirt and/or present me with paternity results and/or subpoenas. It will be the responsibility of the security team to ensure none of these situations develop. However, I might make exceptions if such women look similar to Hooters waitresses (except, obviously, if said women try to present me with paternity results and/or subpoenas).

2: A (NEW) 54 quart Coleman Stainless Steel, Steel Belted Cooler filled with ice, 12 Heinkens (bottles), freshly sliced salami (NOT pre-sliced “lunch meat” salami such as from Oscar Meyer or Hormel), smoked salmon and 24 bottles of Evian water. NO OTHER PARTY is to take ANY ITEM from cooler WITHOUT my permission.

3: One package of gourmet olive oil and garlic crackers.

4: Two packs of imported Dunhill “International Lights” cigarettes and stainless steel ashtray.

5: A (NEW) La-Z-Boy leather (NOT vinyl) recliner will be made available to me (at W.R.D. Entertainment’s expense). Recliner will be placed under a large beach umbrella with a side table for the placement of my cell phone, beverages, snacks, laptop, cigarettes, ashtray and my mini oxygen tank. Cooler mentioned in Item 2 must be placed on other side of recliner.

6: A local physician; masseuse (female); and hair stylist (female) experienced with coloring and mullet weaves must be on-call for my needs before and during remote broadcast (at W.R.D. Entertainment’s expense). W.R.D. Entertainment MUST provide resume of physician and photos of masseuse and hair stylist for my approval two days before broadcast.

7: A golf cart with driver must be on-site to ferry me to restroom facilities when needed.

8: I will NOT participate in autograph sessions or photo opportunities with fans – particularly children. However, I might make exceptions if such female fans look similar to Hooters waitresses.

Potential photo opp participant for Rob = NO

Potential photo opp participants for Rob = YES

So as you can see, these requirements are pretty reasonable, particularly for someone like me.

I invite everyone to come out to my first scheduled remote in years this Friday at Mark Martin Kia as I broadcast live on 99.5 Hits Now!

***

UPDATE: I’ve just been informed that since submitting my guidelines and the writing of this column, I will not be broadcasting at Mark Martin Kia this Friday. For some reason, W.R.D. Entertainment has found another announcer.

Oh, well. This will give me more time to focus on beginning my new cult.

"All Over the Map" from the 04.06.2011 Arkansas Weekly

Several unique bills have surfaced during the most recent session of the Arkansas legislature. Lawmakers have debated such issues as the merits of allowing concealed handguns in church, the banning of cleavage and underwear baring wardrobes on students, and the adding of the state sales tax on internet purchases.

However, there have been some legislature moves that have not been as widely discussed in the state media.

For instance, the House and Senate overwhelmingly passed a law banning television commercials that feature Flo, the annoying insurance spokesperson who causes many people to shoot their TV sets.

“I have had at least seven of my constituents ruin brand new high-definition sets with a firearm because they can’t stand those damn commercials,” state Sen. T. Blanston, Jr. told me. “Two residents in my district actually left their homes in the middle of a television program, went to purchase pistols, and then came back to their houses to shoot their TVs – just out of sheer rage at Flo. The woman is like nails on a chalkboard.”

It’s interesting to note that a similar bill -- one that would have required Geico Insurance explain their commercials to people over the age of 65 as well as to people without a sense of humor -- did not make it out of a House subcommittee.

Arkansas legislators also approved another bill somewhat similar to the student wardrobe guidelines. The “cocked hat” bill, as it was nicknamed at the capitol, targets young men and women who wear their baseball hats with the bill cocked to the right or left side. If signed by Gov. Mike Beebe, the law will allow other parties to slap those wearing “cocked” hats directly across the face without fear of legal prosecution. Some opponents argued that it should also be aimed at those who wear baseball caps with the bill facing the back, but proponents of the measure noted citizens might twist that aspect of the law to physically attack actual baseball and softball catchers.

The influence of the Tea Party movement was felt in some bills that were proposed in subcommittees. One such bill would have mandated that pictures of Glenn Beck be displayed next to Gov. Beebe in offices of state agencies. Another bill would have ordered the arrest and waterboarding of Keith Olbermann if he ever set foot in the state. And a measure that would have mandated that all Arkansans not only speak English, but also think in English, was also discussed. All failed to make it to the House floor.

Other interesting tidbits about this legislative session included the proclamations of KATV meteorologist Ned Perme’s tan as the Arkansas State Tan and David Bazzel’s teeth as Arkansas State Teeth.

The session also included the passage of legislation prohibiting texting while operating motorized scooters in Walmart; allowing Facebook friends to harass other Facebook friends who constantly bombard them with Farmville posts; and funding research into the cheese content of Hanke Brothers Siding commercials.

Finally, Gov. Beebe signed into law a bill that would ban middle age men with initials of “R.G.” from writing weekly newspaper articles that attempt, but miserably fail, to be somewhat humorous.

And I think I speak for most of Arkansas in stating that I think such a law is absolutely ridiculous.

"All Over the Map" from the 03.30.2011 Arkansas Weekly

Image doctored at request of lawyers.

Here's something I bet you didn't know about me.

In between my duties here at W.R.D. Entertainment and my column in Arkansas Weekly, I've been writing a book. And now, after a year's work, I can announce that the book, entitled Green Vengeance, will be published in this summer.

The book is non-fiction, and it is based on some rather intense investigation work I completed over a six-month period. The subject will be extremely controversial, shocking and surprising.

I'll explain.

In late 2009, I received a FedEx packet from someone by the name of F. Baer. Inside, I found only a USB memory stick. Intrigued, I plugged it into my laptop and discovered a potential crime so hideous that, if true, will turn a beloved entertainer into a possible pariah.

(For the purposes of this particular synopsis of Green Vengeance, I will utilize pseudonyms for the main parties involved. This is also being done for legal reasons since my publisher’s lawyers have not finished proofing the final draft of the book.)

Green Vengeance is the story of a popular celebrity couple undone by betrayal, deceit, and a fatal desire. For years, K.T. Freg and Miss Swyne (remember – these are not their real names) enjoyed a professional and personal relationship. The two appeared in a number of films and were the primary cast members of a popular television show.

F. Baer (also a pseudonym), a comedian who has worked with the couple for years, claims that he entered into a torrid affair with Miss Swyne in 1995. It was a secret he kept hidden for years – until now.

“How are yaaaa?” Baer said as he answered my initial phone call at the beginning of the investigation. He seemed upbeat despite the horrific story he had to tell. “You got my packet? I didn’t know if I should email it or snail mail it, so like a banana, I split the difference! Get it? Banana? Split?”

“If this is true what you’re telling me, this is going to be bigger than the O.J. case,” I told him.

“Hey, I understand! I’m over the heartbreak, but I just want to make sure that green little (expletive deleted) pays for his crime.”

Baer then told me how Miss Swyne privately confided to him that she was unhappy in her relationship with Freg.

“She explained to me that the public had always thought that Freg was such a sweet, lovable and innocent man, but in private, he was a monster!” Baer said. “And I believed her because I had worked with the bastard for years, and I had seen his dark other side. He would torment everyone on the set, and no one could talk back to him because he was the star!

“I know for a fact he drove one of his co-stars, this kid, to nervous breakdown. The kid just had a supporting role. He played a lab assistant to this scientist character, and one time the kid blew his lines in a sketch, and Freg went nuts. Freg started cursing and breaking beakers and other glass stuff on the set. The kid who played the assistant was never the same. He was always nervous and blabbering from that point on. It was sad.”

Baer explained to me that he became the proverbial shoulder upon which Miss Swyne would cry, and that Baer’s sympathy finally morphed into a secret romance.

"I can’t explain it,” Baer told me, “it just happened. I think she also knew that I was the only guy in the cast who would stand up to Freg, and in a way, perhaps she thought I could rescue her from this crazed, egocentric madman.”

Baer’s voice cracked.

“It turns out,” he said, “I couldn’t rescue her. I failed!”

And with this, Baer broke down in tears.

***

This is just a taste of the sad and twisted tale that will finally unravel with the publication of Green Vengeance. Obviously, my publishers want me to save the horrible secret I have discovered with the help of Baer and a crack investigative team until this summer’s publication.

But I will tell you that Baer has a vast amount of evidence supporting a theory that Miss Swyne has been killed. Baer says that he believes Freg found out about his relationship with Miss Swyne and that Miss Swyne suddenly disappeared only to be replaced by an imposter.

Green Vengeance will reveal all of this upon its publication. But I will leave you with a disturbing, yet tantalizing clue that possibly supports Baer’s theory. Directly below, you will find a picture taken by a private investigator hired by Baer. It is a picture of what Baer sadly claims is the body of Miss Swyne. The picture, snapped at a Hollywood barbeque contest, was taken two days after Baer last saw the “real” Miss Swyne alive -- two days after she told Baer that Freg had discovered their illicit romance.

“I’m telling you,” Baer said to me, “that picture is proof what how evil K.T. Freg can be.”

Take a look for yourself, dear readers.