This Week's "All Over the Map" - ZOMBIES!

Here's my "All Over the Map" from the 03.23.2011 Arkansas Weekly:

I’m often surprised how people can take me seriously.

Or, should I say I’m often surprised how gullible some people can be?

I think it’s the latter. And I don’t mean that in a negative way. It’s actually somewhat sweet.

I’ve mentioned in these pages before about how some readers actually believe the outlandish things I’ve written. Last year, some people really thought I was quitting my job and moving to New York City to become a mime after I wrote that in this space. Many folks think my adventures with Vurl are non-fiction (although Vurl decidedly is not non-fiction). And I noted a few weeks ago that some of you thought Nancy Pelosi really did throw her underwear at the President during his State of the Union speech.

I can sort of understand folks taking my writings somewhat seriously -- particularly if they just started reading my stuff and/or they don’t know me too well. But what I can’t understand is when my friends and family believe some wild tale I’ve concocted just to see their reaction.

Last week, when the power was out throughout the area, the two women in the Arkansas Weekly office asked me if I knew how the blackout started.

“Oh, man…You didn’t hear?” I said as I sadly shook my head. “A dude was hang gliding in the Melbourne area, and he flew into some transmission lines.”

The women let out gasps. “Oh, no!” one said. The other looked as if she was about to cry.

“Yeah, horrible,” I said as I moved on down the hall silently laughing to myself.

I suppose a freak accident like that could happen, but the tale still seemed too outlandish for folks take seriously. And of course, there’s the question of whether the doomed hang glider story was even funny once it was determined I made up the thing. Based on the ladies’ reaction when they later discovered the tale was a joke, I would say “Yes.”

Now, I know it was funny the other night when I blurted out in front of a bunch of friends that the University of Arkansas had just hired Bobby Knight to replace the recently canned basketball coach, John Pelphrey.

As we all sat around a fire, I made the proclamation while pretending to find the story on my iPhone.

“The Hogs just hired Bobby Knight!” I screamed.

“What?” a few collectively said. Then another said: “No! That can’t be right!”

“That’s what EPSN dot com is reporting,” I said.

The wife of one friend let out a big “All riiigggghhht!”

“This is just what the Razorbacks need!” yelled one pal.

Only one friend that night didn’t believe me, but he had to switch the television to ESPN just to be sure.

However, none of these tales compare to the one I successfully passed off to one particularly gullible friend a few months back.

“Oh my gosh,” I said, “have you been watching CNN?”

“No, why?” the friend asked.

“It’s scary stuff. They’re breaking in with news that a lethal virus has escaped a chemical lab in Russia. The virus kills people, but then their bodies come back to life, and then they eat other people. And they can’t contain it. It’s spreading like wildfire across Europe!”

“Are you kidding?” she asked.

“No! I’m serious! I mean, it’s like zombie stuff. Their bodies are dead, but they move and walk and eat other people!”

“Oh my gosh, Rob. What are they going to do? They don’t think it will come to America, do they?”

There was genuine fear in her voice which filled me with amazement. What started as a stupid little joke that I thought would be immediately laughed off had turned into a testament to one person’s extreme naiveté.

A nice person would have let my friend down easy, saying something like, “Oh, you know I was kidding around. There are no such things as zombies.”

But, obviously, that person was not me.

“Yes,” I said. “They think there are people on flights and ships heading this way that unknowingly have the virus. The government really doesn’t know how to contain it. They’re really scared.”

After a few moments of my friend’s stunned silence, I had to give up and let her in on the joke. My tale was growing more outrageous by the second, and I finally burst out laughing at the concept.

“You really weren’t that gullible were you?” I asked.

She didn’t answer me. And she never has answered my question.

Because that friend hasn’t spoken to me since.

March 9, 2011 "All Over the Map"

Updating from the road, and my blog formatting is all messed up. No big. Here's my "All Over the Map" from the 03.09.2011 Arkansas Weekly:

I think we can all agree that Charlie Sheen is not well. He may be drug free, but his mind is obviously a tad scrambled, likely from the long-term effects of smoking large amounts of crack – a drug he’s freely admitted to using.

"I was banging seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll,” the actor recently told ABC News.

He’s also made some other outlandish quotes during his recent media blitz.

“I am special, and I will never be one of you,” he has stated.

Or, how about: “Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.” This was made in reference to Chuck Lorre, the producer of his hit show, Two and a Half Men. Lorre and Sheen have been at odds because of Sheen’s consistent bad boy behavior.

Other recent quotes from Sheen include:

“Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber.”

“That was an old brain. I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old.”

“I’m not bi-polar. I’m bi-winning. I win here, and I win there.”

“Touch my children, and I will eat your hands off your freaking arms.”

“I’m alive. Bring it.”

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body."

“I’m an F-18 bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.”

And, my favorite, when asked if he had abused a woman after a particular incident:

“Women are not to be hit. They’re to be hugged and caressed…She was attacking me, though, with a small fork – like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”

Clearly. From a buffet. Of course!

Despite his frightening behavior, I have to admit that I am in awe of Sheen’s lively vocabulary and prose. Some addiction experts have observed that his grandiose and arrogant statements might be the side effects of crack cocaine and the withdrawal from years of its abuse, so I must cushion my admiration with such caveats.

The glitches and kinks cluttering Sheen’s head and manifesting themselves through his bizarre behavior have to be related to some type of deep intoxicant abuse. Here’s hoping a sliver of reality will crack the chemical and mental gunk that’s coated Sheen’s self over the years, and a strong sense of humility will set him on a path of recovery.

But saying all of that and banking on the notion of Sheen positively reassembling his life, I still want the man to have the spirit to churn out more beautifully mad and wacky statements after his hoped-for mental salvage.

Zingers like:

“We are high priest assassin warlocks.”

"There's my life. Deal with it. Oh, wait, can't process it? LOSERS."

And, finally:

"If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you'd be like… ‘Dude! Can't handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that's maybe not from, uh...this terrestrial realm."

Wow. It’s obvious he’s delusional because, clearly, I’m the only person who could make such a statement.

Mideast Unrest Meets Hee Haw

Here's my "All Over the Map" for the 03.02.2011 issue of Arkansas Weekly:

Most experts believe that the next dictatorship to fall amid the current international unrest would be the rule of Maj. Gen. Omar el-Kuma of the Middle Eastern country, Fungia.

If you haven’t heard of el-Kuma or Fungia, it’s understandable. It’s a fairly new country -- formed in 1974 after the countries of Tunisia and Algeria got into a spat over who could use the remote control for the single television set the two countries shared every other night. In a landmark session, the United Nations declared neither Tunisia or Algeria could have the remote, and a neutral country would be formed in the middle to control access to the remote for each of the feuding countries.

Thus Fungia was born.

In 1979, Maj. Gen. el-Kuma declared himself Supreme Ruler of Fungia in a bloodless coup after former President Mahmoud “Johnny” al Shoney resigned and moved to south Florida to open a deli.

Because of the size of Fungia, the rule of el-Kuma has gone largely unnoticed in international circles. However, reports have surfaced detailing the leader’s sometimes bizarre behavior and lifestyle.

For instance, diplomatic cables have noted that el-Kuma is an enormous fan of the American television show, Hee Haw, and his devotion to the show has influenced his rule in many ways. Fungian soldiers and el-Kuma underlings are required to proclaim, “SAA-LUTE!” to their leader when in his presence. The license plate for el-Kuma’s limo is “BR-549.” Hee Haw cast reunions and celebrations are held every year in the capitol city of Tonailia, and many of the surviving Hee Haw Honeys stay in the presidential palace during such events. And there is a consistent rumor that former Hee Haw regular, George “Goober” Lindsey, is el-Kuma’s right hand man. Some diplomats have even speculated that it is Lindsey, not el-Kuma, who truly pulls the strings in Fungia, but there has never been evidence to support such claims.

Further signs of el-Kuma’s eccentricities include his belief that the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street is a real creature. As such, el-Kuma has outlawed all baking and selling of cookies in Fungia believing that, in doing so, the Cookie Monster will not attack the country.

Maj. Gen. el-Kuma has also authored a book, informally known as the “Purple Manifesto,” that is required teaching in schools across Fungia. The leader claims the Manifesto was divinely inspired, however Western analysts that have studied the Manifesto note that it is entirely composed of lyrics to songs written by the American pop star, Prince.

Speaking of Prince, the few photographs and videos of el-Kuma show the leader usually dresses like the pop star, circa 1985, during the singer’s Purple Rain phase. These images also reveal a man consistently accompanying el-Kuma who looks very much like George “Goober” Lindsey. The man, known as “Goober X” by analysts with the Central Intelligence Agency, is always shown standing directly behind el-Kuma and whispering into the leader’s ear.

These same CIA analysts believe that el-Kuma’s rule is the next to topple in the volatile region. They note that some Fungians have staged demonstrations where hundreds of copies of the Purple Manifesto are burned in protest. Apparently, many have discovered pirated copies of the Purple Rain album and were shocked to learn that “Darling Nikki” was not an actual angelic apparition that supposedly appeared to el-Kuma in a hotel lobby one evening, but was rather, instead, an insatiable slut.

There are already signs that el-Kuma sees the writing on the wall, and that his days are numbered. There are some reports the leader and Goober X were recently sighted in disguise at a Fungian travel agency checking on flights to Phoenix, Ariz.

Goober X?

However, one analyst has stated el-Kuma made an address on Fungian National Television last Tuesday where he stated, “By the purple blood of my ancestors, I shall not leave Fungia until the bitter end! But, if I see the Cookie Monster coming my way, brother – PPFFFFT! I’m gone!”