Here's my "All Over the Map" from this week's Arkansas Weekly:
“All right, Gov. Perry. We’re ready when you are.”
“Okay. I think I know how I want it to flow. Let’s do this.”
“Fantastic. Here we go. Everyone ready? Gov. Perry campaign ad, take one. And…action, governor!”
“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where those who illegally enter this country are hunted down by good ‘ole boys in American-made pickup trucks. In fact – ”.
“Wait! Cut! Hold on. Gov. Perry. The first two items were great! Good delivery. Good eye contact with the camera. But the last thing…about the hunting of humans, you know? Uh. I’m not sure if we want to go there.”
“Oh. Well, let me take it in another direction. Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. Here we go. Gov. Perry campaign ad, take two. And…action, governor!”
“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where people who don’t believe in the God you and I believe in are rounded up and put in camps where electrodes are then attached to their – ”
“Whoops! Cut! Hold on there, governor. That’s a little drastic.”
“What? They’re going to hell anyway.”
“Well, let’s try something a little less dramatic and, um, without any violence. Take on another subject that might not be too divisive. Okay?”
“Aw, shucks. Okay. Hmmm. Wait. I think I got something.”
“Good! Let’s try it! Gov. Perry campaign ad, take three. And…action, governor!”
“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where guys who wear earrings and/or talk with a slight lisp are dragged screaming from their homes by a mob of real men…you know, men who hunt and who watch NASCAR – ”
“Huh? What? No! No! Cut! Cut! You can’t say stuff like that!”
“What’d I say? You’re confusing me here.”
“Governor, let’s try to come up with a third point that everyone can agree with, all right? Something not too controversial. Something sensible. Something that makes perfect sense to every American.”
“Hmmm. Let me think. Wow. Oh! Wait. I got it!”
“Okay. Excellent! Gov. Perry campaign ad, take four. And…action, governor!”
“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where people who write ridiculous columns like the one you’re reading right now are lathered up in barbecue sauce and taken away to a remote part of the jungle where cannibalistic tribes have been known to feast on slightly chubby, white-headed men. The world just doesn’t need morons like the person writing this column. I know you agree, and if I'm elected President, I’ll make sure some tribe is having Rob Grace stew before the end of my first term. I’m Rick Perry, and I approved this message.”
“And…cut! Print that sucker! That was perfect.”
“All right, Gov. Perry. We’re ready when you are.”
“Okay. I think I know how I want it to flow. Let’s do this.”
“Fantastic. Here we go. Everyone ready? Gov. Perry campaign ad, take one. And…action, governor!”
“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where those who illegally enter this country are hunted down by good ‘ole boys in American-made pickup trucks. In fact – ”.
“Wait! Cut! Hold on. Gov. Perry. The first two items were great! Good delivery. Good eye contact with the camera. But the last thing…about the hunting of humans, you know? Uh. I’m not sure if we want to go there.”
“Oh. Well, let me take it in another direction. Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. Here we go. Gov. Perry campaign ad, take two. And…action, governor!”
“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where people who don’t believe in the God you and I believe in are rounded up and put in camps where electrodes are then attached to their – ”
“Whoops! Cut! Hold on there, governor. That’s a little drastic.”
“What? They’re going to hell anyway.”
“Well, let’s try something a little less dramatic and, um, without any violence. Take on another subject that might not be too divisive. Okay?”
“Aw, shucks. Okay. Hmmm. Wait. I think I got something.”
“Good! Let’s try it! Gov. Perry campaign ad, take three. And…action, governor!”
“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where guys who wear earrings and/or talk with a slight lisp are dragged screaming from their homes by a mob of real men…you know, men who hunt and who watch NASCAR – ”
“Huh? What? No! No! Cut! Cut! You can’t say stuff like that!”
“What’d I say? You’re confusing me here.”
“Governor, let’s try to come up with a third point that everyone can agree with, all right? Something not too controversial. Something sensible. Something that makes perfect sense to every American.”
“Hmmm. Let me think. Wow. Oh! Wait. I got it!”
“Okay. Excellent! Gov. Perry campaign ad, take four. And…action, governor!”
“Hi. I’m Gov. Rick Perry. If you’re like me, you treasure an America where your hometown streets are safe, where hard work is rewarded without the fear of the government taking it all away in taxes, and where people who write ridiculous columns like the one you’re reading right now are lathered up in barbecue sauce and taken away to a remote part of the jungle where cannibalistic tribes have been known to feast on slightly chubby, white-headed men. The world just doesn’t need morons like the person writing this column. I know you agree, and if I'm elected President, I’ll make sure some tribe is having Rob Grace stew before the end of my first term. I’m Rick Perry, and I approved this message.”
“And…cut! Print that sucker! That was perfect.”
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