My 10.19.2011 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Here's my "All Over the Map" from the 10.19.2011 Arkansas Weekly:

Random thoughts this week.

I looked all over my apartment last night for my hot rollers. Then I remembered my dad had borrowed them the other day. I think he also has my straightener.

Walking through the mall the other day, a lady stopped me and said I looked just like George Clooney. Then, she said: “Oh, wait. Not George Clooney. George C. Scott! You look just look like George C. Scott! Has anyone ever told you that?”

George C. Scott or our humble scribe -- We can't tell the friggin' difference.

Al Davis, the colorful Oakland Raiders owner, died the other day. His passing occurred 35 years after his hairstyle died.

Speaking of Al’s hairstyle, I’ve often wondered what Lou Holtz would look like with an Al Davis-like pompadour. In fact, I wonder what Holtz’s hair would look like permed.

Al Davis and Al Davis' pompadour

The Arby’s Good Mood Food guy puts me in a bad, almost violent, mood. When he sings, “It’s good mood food!”, I want to shove a french dip sandwich down his throat.

I watched an interview with Richard Simmons the other night. Is it me, or does he seem a little effeminate?

Effeminate? Nawww...

I will say that I have something in common with Simmons and the waitresses at Hooters: We all like to wear hose with our shorts.

I recently drove to the Gulf Coast to attend a friend’s wedding on the beach. The setting was gorgeous. White sands. A cool gulf breeze. Warm water. And dolphins playing near the shore. I had never seen dolphins so close to the beach. And I have to admit I was disappointed I left my spear gun in the room. I’ve always wanted a mounted dolphin in my office. Maybe next time.

I think we can all agree that Corey Hart of the Milwaukee Brewers is a liar. The other night when the Brewers played the St. Louis Cardinals, I never saw Hart wearing his sunglasses.

Corey Hart at night. No sunglasses.

Paying my bill at Mi Ranchito the other day in Batesville, the woman at the cash register told me she likes to read my column. “And you don’t have four chins like you’ve written,” she said. “You just have two.”

And by the way, the other day I made a mistake. I noted that Mi Pueblito is moving into the old Colton’s building in Batesville. This is incorrect. Mi Ranchito is moving into the old Colton’s building. I apologize for the error. But it really wasn’t my fault. That particular column was written by my pet monkey, Simpy. I allow Simpy to write “All Over the Map” every other week because of my busy schedule. I asked Simpy why he made that particular error, and he said he had been drinking a bit when he wrote that column. I would take Simpy to Mi Ranchito to apologize in person for the mistake, but unfortunately, pets are not allowed in the restaurant.

Finally, an 81-year-old man was arrested in Coconut Creek, Florida, for allegedly posing as a doctor and going door to door to offer free breast exams to women. It’s a good thing I read about this guy. Otherwise, Dr. Rob’s Home Boobie Exams would still be in business.