Top Secret Memos from Rob Grace to Arkansas Weekly Staff
December 14, 2010
TO: Arkansas Weekly Staff
FROM: Rob
Thanks to everyone for their contribution in making the Arkansas Weekly Christmas party so successful! The egg nog and sausage balls were delicious, and the decorations were perfect.
I would, however, like to apologize for getting sick on the gentleman hired to play Santa. I had some bad fish before the party, and it must have sparked an odd chemical reaction in my body. Not only was I terribly nauseated, but, according to some of you, I was also slurring my words and bumping into people. The illness apparently also prompted me to ask the Christmas tree on a date.
Crazy what food poisoning can do, huh?
Oh, and contrary to what The Roving Fisherman said, I was not “…drunk off my a**…”
It was the fish. Okay?
Thanks,
Rob
TO: Arkansas Weekly Staff
FROM: Rob
I will be out of the office from January 24 through January 28.
Upon my return, you may notice that my face will be somewhat tighter, my brow higher, my lips slightly enlarged, and the bags under my eyes gone. To end any sort of office gossip before it starts, my new appearance will not be the result of some type of cosmetic surgery.
Obviously, I don’t need such procedures because I think we can all agree that I am a damn handsome man. I am simply going to a colonics spa, and as such, my skin and features will be even more fresh and striking-looking after my sessions.
Thanks,
Rob
P.S.: If a Dr. Howell from NuFace Surgery Clinic calls for me, please put him through immediately.
I am using him as a source for a column on which I’m working.
Rob (left) and his brother, Chippy, at a recent fundraiser for Lindsay Lohan's legal defense fund.
TO: Arkansas Weekly Staff
FROM: Rob
Whoever stole the Justin Bieber action figure off my desk needs to return it ASAP.
Just put it back where you found it, and I won’t ask any questions.
Thanks,
Rob
TO: Arkansas Weekly Staff
FROM: Rob
I would appreciate it if some of you would stop touching my new moped. I try to keep it free of smudges and dirt, but I keep finding greasy prints on it. Apparently, some of you are rubbing my new paint job to see if the glitter comes off. Let me help you out: The glitter is mixed in with the paint to give my moped a permanent sparkling sheen.
So, now you know. Please stop touching it.
Thanks,
Rob
TO: Arkansas Weekly Staff
FROM: Rob
I am not pleased with some of you.
I do not appreciate the fact that my Justin Bieber action figure was anonymously returned to my desk – clothed in a Barbie dress! Apparently, some of you think this is funny! I find it appalling that some of you think Justin is a cross dresser! Well, I’m here to tell you: he most certainly is not!
Also, whoever put my moped on the roof of our office building is fired, but I’d appreciate it very much if they could get it back down for me.
Thanks,
Rob
TO: Arkansas Weekly Staff
FROM: Rob
Thanks to everyone for their contribution in making the Arkansas Weekly Christmas party so successful! The egg nog and sausage balls were delicious, and the decorations were perfect.
I would, however, like to apologize for getting sick on the gentleman hired to play Santa. I had some bad fish before the party, and it must have sparked an odd chemical reaction in my body. Not only was I terribly nauseated, but, according to some of you, I was also slurring my words and bumping into people. The illness apparently also prompted me to ask the Christmas tree on a date.
Crazy what food poisoning can do, huh?
Oh, and contrary to what The Roving Fisherman said, I was not “…drunk off my a**…”
It was the fish. Okay?
Thanks,
Rob
***
January 10, 2011TO: Arkansas Weekly Staff
FROM: Rob
I will be out of the office from January 24 through January 28.
Upon my return, you may notice that my face will be somewhat tighter, my brow higher, my lips slightly enlarged, and the bags under my eyes gone. To end any sort of office gossip before it starts, my new appearance will not be the result of some type of cosmetic surgery.
Obviously, I don’t need such procedures because I think we can all agree that I am a damn handsome man. I am simply going to a colonics spa, and as such, my skin and features will be even more fresh and striking-looking after my sessions.
Thanks,
Rob
P.S.: If a Dr. Howell from NuFace Surgery Clinic calls for me, please put him through immediately.
I am using him as a source for a column on which I’m working.
Rob (left) and his brother, Chippy, at a recent fundraiser for Lindsay Lohan's legal defense fund.***
March 22, 2011TO: Arkansas Weekly Staff
FROM: Rob
Whoever stole the Justin Bieber action figure off my desk needs to return it ASAP.
Just put it back where you found it, and I won’t ask any questions.
Thanks,
Rob
***
May 16, 2011TO: Arkansas Weekly Staff
FROM: Rob
I would appreciate it if some of you would stop touching my new moped. I try to keep it free of smudges and dirt, but I keep finding greasy prints on it. Apparently, some of you are rubbing my new paint job to see if the glitter comes off. Let me help you out: The glitter is mixed in with the paint to give my moped a permanent sparkling sheen.
So, now you know. Please stop touching it.
Thanks,
Rob
***
May 20, 2011TO: Arkansas Weekly Staff
FROM: Rob
I am not pleased with some of you.
I do not appreciate the fact that my Justin Bieber action figure was anonymously returned to my desk – clothed in a Barbie dress! Apparently, some of you think this is funny! I find it appalling that some of you think Justin is a cross dresser! Well, I’m here to tell you: he most certainly is not!
Also, whoever put my moped on the roof of our office building is fired, but I’d appreciate it very much if they could get it back down for me.
Thanks,
Rob
No comments:
Post a Comment