NOTE: Arkansas Weekly goes to press each Friday, so the column below was written before the news of Osama biting the dust was released.
I get letters from many of you, my dear readers. A good portion of these letters begin with something along the lines of, “Will you please just do all of us a favor and walk in front of a speeding bus?” or “I bet you wear panties and sleep with your mommy when you’re scared!” or “Dad, we’ve decided to stop speaking to you until stop writing that nonsense and seek professional help.”
I receive some fan mail – although such correspondence is usually from a lonely prison inmate or my mommy.
And I also receive letters from many of you seeking advice on a variety of topics. However, I’m always wary of giving such advice, particularly in such a public forum. For instance, if someone wrote me asking if they should pursue skeet shooting as a hobby and I told them that’s a great idea, then they could be skeet shooting one afternoon and actually shoot someone in the face – which would be a horrific thing because, obviously, I’d likely be sued by both the shooter and the person that is now without a face for giving said advice.
This is why I’d like to have someone else answer some questions from my readers. This absolves me of any incorrect advice my guest columnist might offer while also allowing those readers to have their queries answered. Of course, I haven’t told this guest columnist of my legal concerns, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him – unless he gets a subpoena after giving advice that causes someone some type of harm, physically or mentally.
So, answering the following questions from my readers is my good friend, Vurl “Buddy” Reeves. Vurl, a retired used car salesman and former Walmart greeter, is 85, and being so old and decrepit, has plenty of life experience to offer.
The first question comes from Chester in Possum Grape.
Gas prices are really crazy. Can you recommend a vehicle that gets good gas mileage?
Thanks!
Dear Chester in Possum Grape,
Yes, gas prices is crazy, and it’s all Obana’s fault. I mean, I just don’t see how we can survive with that foreigner in the White House. Not only is he a foreigner, but he’s also a Muslim communist. Next thing you know, he’ll be rounding up all the Christians and Republicans and sellin’ us to the China people to help pay off all that money we owe ‘em.
Anyways, back to your question. Seein’ as how you’re from Possum Grape and all, I’m surprised you need a vehicle. I thought all y’all still rode donkeys to get around over that ways. So, that’s my advice: stick with your donkey and leave me alone. I’m in a bad way with the gout.
Vurl
The next question comes from Reggie in Oil Trough.
Since Easter has come and gone, is it now appropriate to wear linen?
Dear Reggie in Oil Trough,
First, how are they coming with indoor plumbing over there in Oil Trough?
Anyways, let me get a couple of things straight: You’re a man and you wear linen? Ooookay, big boy. Next thing, you’re gonna tell me is you watch that Okra Winfrey show and you wear moisturizer while you sleep. In other words, I bet you’re one of them fellas that’s a little light in your loafers. Don’t get me wrong – I gotta a few cousins like that, and the jury is still out on Vurl, Jr. Why, I seen him walkin’ to his pick-up the other day with a little swish. It was a slight swish, but I seen it. But, whatever floats your boat, Reggie. Just don’t get any funny ideals if I ever end up in Oil Trough on my way to Tunica. I been married 57 years to my angel, Myrtle, and I think I’m quite comfortable in my manliness.
Anyways, as for your question, how the hell should I know? I wear nothing but Hanes briefs, Arrow shirts and Haggar slacks. Now, leave me alone. I got the indigestion from a big plate of them fried jalopenas at the Sonic, and the Tums ain’t working.
Vurl
I just received a legal settlement that resulted in a large sum of cash. Should I put the proceeds into stocks and bonds or just a high interest money market account?
Dear Ethel in Thida,
Well, first question I got is how do you know about such things as “stocks and bonds” and “money market accounts” seeing as how you’re from Thida and all? I thought all you folks over there just buried your pennies and nickels in a bunch of Mason jars out in the backyard next to your grandparents.
Anyways, as for your question, it’s quite obvious you don’t know about the current financial situation our foreigner in the White House has situated us in. What you need to be doing is puttin’ all that cash you got from your likely “whiplash” settlement into gold because when Osana Bin Laden and the China people take over America, all of us in the Southern Christian Resistance will be trading for goods with gold, fur, wild game and rodent meat.
Now, leave me alone. I just ate a bunch of 99-cent tacos, and my stomach is actin’ as if a good case of the trots is in my immediate future.
Vurl
EDITOR’S NOTE: We apologize in advance to the fine communities of Possum Grape, Oil Trough and Thida for the ridiculous comments made by Mr. Reeves.
I get letters from many of you, my dear readers. A good portion of these letters begin with something along the lines of, “Will you please just do all of us a favor and walk in front of a speeding bus?” or “I bet you wear panties and sleep with your mommy when you’re scared!” or “Dad, we’ve decided to stop speaking to you until stop writing that nonsense and seek professional help.”
I receive some fan mail – although such correspondence is usually from a lonely prison inmate or my mommy.
And I also receive letters from many of you seeking advice on a variety of topics. However, I’m always wary of giving such advice, particularly in such a public forum. For instance, if someone wrote me asking if they should pursue skeet shooting as a hobby and I told them that’s a great idea, then they could be skeet shooting one afternoon and actually shoot someone in the face – which would be a horrific thing because, obviously, I’d likely be sued by both the shooter and the person that is now without a face for giving said advice.
This is why I’d like to have someone else answer some questions from my readers. This absolves me of any incorrect advice my guest columnist might offer while also allowing those readers to have their queries answered. Of course, I haven’t told this guest columnist of my legal concerns, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him – unless he gets a subpoena after giving advice that causes someone some type of harm, physically or mentally.
So, answering the following questions from my readers is my good friend, Vurl “Buddy” Reeves. Vurl, a retired used car salesman and former Walmart greeter, is 85, and being so old and decrepit, has plenty of life experience to offer.
The first question comes from Chester in Possum Grape.
Gas prices are really crazy. Can you recommend a vehicle that gets good gas mileage?
Thanks!
Dear Chester in Possum Grape,
Yes, gas prices is crazy, and it’s all Obana’s fault. I mean, I just don’t see how we can survive with that foreigner in the White House. Not only is he a foreigner, but he’s also a Muslim communist. Next thing you know, he’ll be rounding up all the Christians and Republicans and sellin’ us to the China people to help pay off all that money we owe ‘em.
Anyways, back to your question. Seein’ as how you’re from Possum Grape and all, I’m surprised you need a vehicle. I thought all y’all still rode donkeys to get around over that ways. So, that’s my advice: stick with your donkey and leave me alone. I’m in a bad way with the gout.
Vurl
***
The next question comes from Reggie in Oil Trough.
Since Easter has come and gone, is it now appropriate to wear linen?
Dear Reggie in Oil Trough,
First, how are they coming with indoor plumbing over there in Oil Trough?
Anyways, let me get a couple of things straight: You’re a man and you wear linen? Ooookay, big boy. Next thing, you’re gonna tell me is you watch that Okra Winfrey show and you wear moisturizer while you sleep. In other words, I bet you’re one of them fellas that’s a little light in your loafers. Don’t get me wrong – I gotta a few cousins like that, and the jury is still out on Vurl, Jr. Why, I seen him walkin’ to his pick-up the other day with a little swish. It was a slight swish, but I seen it. But, whatever floats your boat, Reggie. Just don’t get any funny ideals if I ever end up in Oil Trough on my way to Tunica. I been married 57 years to my angel, Myrtle, and I think I’m quite comfortable in my manliness.
Anyways, as for your question, how the hell should I know? I wear nothing but Hanes briefs, Arrow shirts and Haggar slacks. Now, leave me alone. I got the indigestion from a big plate of them fried jalopenas at the Sonic, and the Tums ain’t working.
Vurl
***
Finally, this question comes from Ethel in Thida.I just received a legal settlement that resulted in a large sum of cash. Should I put the proceeds into stocks and bonds or just a high interest money market account?
Dear Ethel in Thida,
Well, first question I got is how do you know about such things as “stocks and bonds” and “money market accounts” seeing as how you’re from Thida and all? I thought all you folks over there just buried your pennies and nickels in a bunch of Mason jars out in the backyard next to your grandparents.
Anyways, as for your question, it’s quite obvious you don’t know about the current financial situation our foreigner in the White House has situated us in. What you need to be doing is puttin’ all that cash you got from your likely “whiplash” settlement into gold because when Osana Bin Laden and the China people take over America, all of us in the Southern Christian Resistance will be trading for goods with gold, fur, wild game and rodent meat.
Now, leave me alone. I just ate a bunch of 99-cent tacos, and my stomach is actin’ as if a good case of the trots is in my immediate future.
Vurl
***
EDITOR’S NOTE: We apologize in advance to the fine communities of Possum Grape, Oil Trough and Thida for the ridiculous comments made by Mr. Reeves.
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