My 04.27.2011 "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly

Not that you care, but there are some interesting things about me that you may not know.

For instance, I think if more folks began their day as I do, they would be refreshed and energized. I usually wake up around 6:20 a.m., pour myself a glass of a cold diet cola, and then soak in a hot bath for 40 minutes as I catch up on email and the news on my cell phone. I find that a long hot bath relaxes and prepares me for the day.

Around 7 a.m., I’ll remove my wet pajamas and shower before taking the kids to school. While driving the kids to school, I usually notice that they’re still tired from the night’s sleep. So to wake them up and infuse into them a hearty sense of alertness, I’ll wait until I see a large truck heading our way -- ideally an 18-wheeler -- in the opposite lane. At just the right moment, I’ll quickly veer my car into the truck’s path while screaming as loud as I can: “OH NO! MY STEERING’S OUT! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”

Of course, I’ll steer my car back into our lane just as the truck passes, usually with its horn blaring. I then turn the car around and take the kids back to the house so they can change their pants.

Many of you also may not know that I also have a large collection of celebrity toe jam – perhaps the largest of its kind. In my room devoted to the collection, you’ll find donations from Regis Philbin, M.C. “You Can’t Touch This” Hammer, renowned fiddler Doug Kershaw, Ben “Roots” Vereen, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, Carol “Hello Dolly” Channing, Kirk “Growing Pains” Cameron, Jerry Springer, comic superstar Louis Anderson and consumer advocate Ralph Nader. Each sample comes with a picture the celebrity scooping their nail residue into the plastic cup I had provided by mail for proper authentication. I’m hoping to pass the samples onto my children because, in the future when cloning will be the norm, I’m certain the collection will be priceless. For example, utilizing the DNA I’ve collected, future generations will be able to enjoy the Cajun fiddlin’ of a cloned Mr. Kershaw, the fine comic styling of a cloned Mr. Anderson, and the majestic parachute pants of a cloned Mr. Hammer.

(I should note that for some reason the children want nothing to do with my collection of toe jam, thinking it’s “creepy,” “disgusting,” and “just another example of why people make fun of you, Dad.” Of course, I realize that’s just kids talking, and they’ll soon come around and accept it.)

A very special clip of Mary Tyler Moore, Doug Kershaw, Ben Vereen and The Manhattan Transfer. I'm still seeking toe jam from Ms. Moore and the Transfer folks.