Still playing catch up, here's my "All Over the Map" from the 12.29.2010 issue of Arkansas Weekly:
And so we say goodbye to 2010.
I really have no beef with 2010; with the exception of all things Kardashian, it’s been a pretty decent year. The economy shambled a little bit in the positive direction. Unemployment in the area dropped below the national average. And David Hasselhoff’s new realty show was canceled after two episodes.
The latter event unequivocally proved The Man Upstairs really likes us.
Of course, there is still the matter of the aforementioned Kardashians. Why, as some theological professors and religious leaders have likely pondered, is the world still subjected to this group of no talent, obnoxious plastic buffoons? I’m still waiting for the episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians where the youngest, 13-year-old half-sister Kylie Jenner, goes on a drunken rampage after a botched Botox session.
In fact, while we’re at it, let’s give each member of the Kardashian clan a looksee, shall we?
First up, the three stooges of vapidity: Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. Kim, of course, is best known for a sex tape that “leaked” with a fourth-class rap star named Ray J. (Here’s something about celebusluts that might surprise you: When a sex tape is “leaked” in the celebuslut world and the celebusluts performing in the tape are “shocked” that the tape somehow ended up on the Internet, it’s a fairly good bet that the celebusluts in question were in on the thing all along in hopes of getting a fix of the much-needed publicity they crave like a vampire craves blood.) Kim is also known for having a posterior roughly the size of a Hyundai.
Khloe is best known for marrying Los Angeles Laker Lamar Odom. Khloe is the tallest of the Kardashian sisters, and as such, somewhat resembles a flamboyant gay Sasquatch. The oldest, Kourtney, is in my opinion, the most stable and prettiest of the older sisters, but she is saddled with who may be the most obnoxious boyfriend on the face of the Earth – Scott Dick. Oh, wait I’m sorry. Scott Disick is his name. My fingers mistyped. Oops. Disick is best known for a drunken temper tantrum, in which he tried to shove money down the mouth of a waiter who shockingly didn’t treat Dick – oops, there go those fingers again – Disick like the prince he believes he is.
There’s another half-sister, Kendall, who’s in high school and likely on the same Hell-bound path of her sisters, and then there’s the brother, Robert, who, like big sis Kourtney, seems to have a bit of rational thought now and then. However, I sometimes wonder if Robert feels left out for not being named Krobert.
Finally, there’s the parental unit: Kris and her second husband, former Olympian Bruce Jenner – the enablers of the family. Actually, Jenner sometimes acts as if he has possession of some common sense, yet in the last few years, he’s been going under the knife at the urging of Kris and the girls, and as such, looks like a 61-year-old white Michael Jackson had Jackson lived to that age. Recently, he also did the cheesiest thing a 61-year-old man could do: He pierced both of his ears. Look, have we not learned anything from Harrison Ford? Unless you are Keith Richards, Bono, Morgan Freeman, Bruce Springsteen or Willie Nelson, then no man over the age of 35 should have his ear or ears pierced.
So, thanks to the E! cable channel, we can ponder the purpose of this family that revels in all things insipid, decadent and Botoxed while being paid millions of dollars. Personally, I think God has them around as an example of what we should aspire not to be.
And I’ll admit it. I, in a small way, contribute to the lifestyle of the Kardashian clan. Every time I come across their show on television, I can’t look away. It’s like a kar krash with kompletely inkompetent kelebrities known for kelebrating kheesiness.
And so we say goodbye to 2010.
I really have no beef with 2010; with the exception of all things Kardashian, it’s been a pretty decent year. The economy shambled a little bit in the positive direction. Unemployment in the area dropped below the national average. And David Hasselhoff’s new realty show was canceled after two episodes.
The latter event unequivocally proved The Man Upstairs really likes us.
Of course, there is still the matter of the aforementioned Kardashians. Why, as some theological professors and religious leaders have likely pondered, is the world still subjected to this group of no talent, obnoxious plastic buffoons? I’m still waiting for the episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians where the youngest, 13-year-old half-sister Kylie Jenner, goes on a drunken rampage after a botched Botox session.
In fact, while we’re at it, let’s give each member of the Kardashian clan a looksee, shall we?
First up, the three stooges of vapidity: Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. Kim, of course, is best known for a sex tape that “leaked” with a fourth-class rap star named Ray J. (Here’s something about celebusluts that might surprise you: When a sex tape is “leaked” in the celebuslut world and the celebusluts performing in the tape are “shocked” that the tape somehow ended up on the Internet, it’s a fairly good bet that the celebusluts in question were in on the thing all along in hopes of getting a fix of the much-needed publicity they crave like a vampire craves blood.) Kim is also known for having a posterior roughly the size of a Hyundai.
Khloe is best known for marrying Los Angeles Laker Lamar Odom. Khloe is the tallest of the Kardashian sisters, and as such, somewhat resembles a flamboyant gay Sasquatch. The oldest, Kourtney, is in my opinion, the most stable and prettiest of the older sisters, but she is saddled with who may be the most obnoxious boyfriend on the face of the Earth – Scott Dick. Oh, wait I’m sorry. Scott Disick is his name. My fingers mistyped. Oops. Disick is best known for a drunken temper tantrum, in which he tried to shove money down the mouth of a waiter who shockingly didn’t treat Dick – oops, there go those fingers again – Disick like the prince he believes he is.
There’s another half-sister, Kendall, who’s in high school and likely on the same Hell-bound path of her sisters, and then there’s the brother, Robert, who, like big sis Kourtney, seems to have a bit of rational thought now and then. However, I sometimes wonder if Robert feels left out for not being named Krobert.
Finally, there’s the parental unit: Kris and her second husband, former Olympian Bruce Jenner – the enablers of the family. Actually, Jenner sometimes acts as if he has possession of some common sense, yet in the last few years, he’s been going under the knife at the urging of Kris and the girls, and as such, looks like a 61-year-old white Michael Jackson had Jackson lived to that age. Recently, he also did the cheesiest thing a 61-year-old man could do: He pierced both of his ears. Look, have we not learned anything from Harrison Ford? Unless you are Keith Richards, Bono, Morgan Freeman, Bruce Springsteen or Willie Nelson, then no man over the age of 35 should have his ear or ears pierced.
So, thanks to the E! cable channel, we can ponder the purpose of this family that revels in all things insipid, decadent and Botoxed while being paid millions of dollars. Personally, I think God has them around as an example of what we should aspire not to be.
And I’ll admit it. I, in a small way, contribute to the lifestyle of the Kardashian clan. Every time I come across their show on television, I can’t look away. It’s like a kar krash with kompletely inkompetent kelebrities known for kelebrating kheesiness.
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