A Day in the Life

Here's my "All Over the Map" from the 09.29.10 Arkansas Weekly:

Many readers sometime stop me on the street, or in the store, or in a restaurant to inquire about one of the many fascinating columns I write in this space.

Why, just the other day, in the men’s room of a local gas station, a man knocked on my stall door to ask if Neiman Marcus is really putting a store between Sulphur Rock and Magness. I asked him, “Why would I write something that isn’t true?” and I then went back to reading the latest issue of Grit.

And yesterday, while I was soaking in a luxurious Calgon bubble bath, my neighbor came to my bathroom door to ask if I was really going to produce a reality television show called Killing the Kardashians. I removed the cucumber slices from my eyes and told Hernando, the little cock-eyed hunchbacked man from Guam who lives downstairs, “That’s it. I’m calling the authorities.”

I never should’ve given him that key to check on my pet rhesus monkey, Jimmy, when I was vacationing in Dayton.

My pet rhesus, Jimmy. He never says "Cheese!" when I ask him too.

Anyway, many readers also ask how I manage to live such an exciting life. It is true that some aspects of my day-to-day comings and goings are unique and thrilling, particularly when I put Jimmy on a leash and we go to Walmart wearing matching sombreros and flamenco outfits. But other than that, my life is pretty normal.

I usually start my day around 6 a.m. when I get out of bed and walk downstairs to get the morning paper. After I reach down to pick up the paper, I always see Hernando staring from behind his mother’s back at their front door. Hernando’s mom usually says something to me like, “Mr. Grace! Again, you’re not wearing your bottoms! I’m calling the authorities!” It’s then I realize that I forgot to put on my pants. I don’t know why this happens every morning, but I’ve simply got to put a Post-It on the door that says CHECK IF PANTS ARE ON. That should solve that problem.

After scanning the paper in my recliner, I’ll then wake up Jimmy. We’ll have a nice breakfast of beef jerky, Kool-Aid and raw garlic, and then sit back and watch that morning’s episode of Dora the Explorer while wearing our matching Dora the Explorer t-shirts.


A shower comes next, then I dress, take Jimmy to the new monkey day care center I opened next to one of the Asian buffet restaurants in town, and I’ll head to the office.

At work, I’ll usually call my accountant who is always telling me that the new monkey day care center is bleeding cash. He really doesn’t have much faith in my investment decisions, but I’ll always remind him that I made loads of money off that start-up beef jerky company in India, and he’ll scream at me that I didn’t make loads of money off that company because most Hindus don’t eat beef, and then I’ll laugh, and then he’ll scream I’m insensitive to their religion, and then he’ll tell me to never call him again.

After that, I’ll check with my secretary to see if Miley Cyrus has returned my calls and if Ms. Cyrus received those photos of Jimmy and me in our matching Speedos. She’ll always – always – say “No, but Miley’s lawyers called and said they are getting ready to file another restraining order.” And I’ll always reply in a soft voice, “Earthly laws do not apply to the eventual Universal union between Miley and myself because the Master, Gorgzon, deems it so.” Most days, I then have to call the temp agency to send another secretary because, for some reason, my secretaries usually quit after I tell them about Gorgzon.

The rest of the day is pretty boring. I’ll follow up with my sources on various columns. I’ll call the monkey day center to make sure Jimmy hasn’t taken out and swallowed his glass eye again. In the afternoon, it’s usually my daily colonic, a check-in with my parole officer and a call from my pastor trying to convince me that Gorgzon is not real – which is crazy because Gorgzon is real. I know this because Jimmy channels Gorgzon in the middle of the night when he comes into my room, stands on my chest, and Jimmy says in a very deep voice, “Judgment day approaches! Thou must taketh Miley’s hand in union so the two of you can cleanse the world of the unrighteous!”

See, I told you. Normal, everyday stuff.

Now, excuse me, I must get back to my collection of Hee-Haw DVDs. Jimmy just loves LuLu.

New Business Coming to the Area!

My new "All Over the Map" for the 09.22.10 Arkansas Weekly:

Local Internet chat rooms are abuzz with rumors that all types of new businesses are coming to the area. Now, it should be noted that chat rooms are notoriously fickle when it comes to the truth. They’re usually visited by people hungry for gossip or by sick folks eager to post viciously nasty untruths about people under the guise of anonymity.

I know the latter is very true because I love going into these rooms to do just that. There’s nothing like spreading a false rumor saying that hot girl from high school who once turned you down for a date now weighs 343 pounds and is down to six teeth.

Ah, sweet revenge.

Anyway, where was I? Oh! New businesses coming to town.

So, I decided to do some research on some of these Internet rumors about new businesses coming to the area and tried to sift through what is true and what is not, as well as uncover valid evidence of new businesses about which the chat rooms do not even know.

Here’s what I found:

Target. This is a popular rumor that, unfortunately, is likely full of bunk. The word that Target is getting ready to build at Southside has even escaped the province of the Internet. People are asking me, face to face and offline, if I had heard the big news. Chat room folks point to the ongoing dirt work between Harp’s and the Southside Sonic, as well as the current renovation of the Walmart in Batesville, noting that Walmart would not be renovating if Target was coming to town. However, scuttlebutt says the dirt work is simply the landowner sprucing up the property for possible future leasing opportunities, and Walmart renovations are normal and cyclical.

It would be nice to have Target in the area, but I just don’t see it happening. However, I have it on good authority that construction is about to begin on a three story Neiman Marcus, the upscale Texas-based department store. Apparently, market studies have shown that the Batesville-Newport area is the prime location for Arkansas’s first Neiman Marcus, which will be built between Sulphur Rock and Magness. So, get ready for designer brands, expensive jewelry and men’s socks that start at $50 a pair!

The Neiman Marcus store coming to the area is expected to look something like this.

Chic-Fil-A. Another popular rumor is the chicken eatery is also coming to Southside, but if Searcy has yet to nab a Chic-Fil-A, then I don’t see one coming to this area anytime soon. But, I do have it on good word that Doc Hopper’s Frog Legs will be built in Southside near Sonic. Unfairly maligned by Kermit the Frog in The Muppet Movie, Doc’s chain has been on the rebound (or “rehop”) since that film wrongly portrayed Hopper as a sadistic villain. Expect delectable dishes such as chili legs, cheese legs and frog kabobs! (There is, however, word on the street that Kermit will be in town for the grand opening – to protest. Can that frog just get over it already?)

The unfairly maligned Doc Hopper. He's tried to reach out to Kermit, but to no avail. That frog can be a bastard sometimes.

Papa John’s Pizza. Of all the rumors, this is the most likely. Most communities the size of Batesville and Newport already have a Papa John’s, and I’ve wondered what has taken the chain so long to come to the area.

Now, I can shoot down another rumor regarding a new pizza place coming to town. Some Internet threads have noted that Chuck E. Cheese will be building an outlet in the area, but after the recent news about the restaurant’s namesake, Chuck E., and the Hamburglar getting into a fight outside a popular Beverly Hills nightclub, sources say the chain might put a hold on current projects until Chuck E. cleans up his act. After all, the fight comes just after Chuck E. hit the Burger King over the head with a bottle of Petron at a fashion show in N.Y.C. Thankfully, the King’s crown broke the bottle, and reports said the King barely noticed. He had the same smiling expression throughout the incident.

He always seems so content.

I think the picture tells the story. Need I say more?

The Hamburglar. Has this guy EVER served any time?

You've Got to Be Kidding Me!

Here's my UNCENSORED "All Over the Map" from next week's Arkansas Weekly:

Ripley’s Believe It or Not!, that popular organization that collects fun and bizarre facts, recently published its latest book entitled Enter If You Dare!

Enter If You Dare! includes some interesting entries such as “A man spent 15 years building a model out of matchsticks – 4,000,000 matchsticks!” Or, “A Wisconsin man spent 17 years building a sports car in his cellar – then realized he had no way to get it out of his house.” There are even a few Arkansas-related entries including the fact that “…the Bradley County Chamber of Commerce made a 168-foot long BLT sandwich…that took nearly two hours to build, used 300 pounds of bacon, 80 pounds of lettuce and 60 pounds of tomatoes, and oozed 220 ounces of mayonnaise.”

Wow. If Elvis were still around, he would have exploded with excitement seeing that big-mama BLT.

I do know that the Ripley’s gang left out a lot of amazing information in their latest collection because I, too, delve into the world of strange and astonishing facts as a hobby. I’ve submitted my little nuggets of fascinating trivia to the Ripley’s organization on a regular basis, but for some reason, they’re unwilling to publish anything I send.

So, for your entertainment, I’ve decided to share with you, dear reader, some of the peculiar and unbelievable facts that I have uncovered over the last few years. Here now, I present “Rob’s ‘You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me!’”

Steve Wilkins of Fred’s by the Sea, Okla. spent over 23 years building a statue of David Hasselhoff made entirely of sardines! You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me!

At age 97, Jeb Stint of Cameltoe, Ariz. is the oldest breakdancer in the world! Stint has performed all types of boogaloo moves on the streets of his hometown since 1985! Sadly, Stint’s legs recently separated from his hip bones while he was attempting the classic Munch Airflare move, and he now breakdances from his new wheelchair outside the Cameltoe Otasco with only his upper body. The good news is that the wheelchair has a customized mount for his 1984 Emerson boom box which is still going strong! You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me!

Dorothy Tilapia of Mount Smith, Ohio has not shaved her armpits since 1971! The hair is braided under both arms, however, she must be regularly fumigated by an Orkin representative due to scarab beetles constantly nesting in the pits. Not to be outdone, Dorothy’s husband, Blacky, has not trimmed his nose hairs since 1974. As such, he is constantly mistaken for a member of ZZ Top! You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me!

In 2009, D.K. Rick of Thida, Ark. amazed doctors with the world's largest hemorrhoid! Rick reported that when he glanced at the inflamed vein in the mirror, it looked like the "biggest elephant ear in the world" had flopped out. Three nurses reportedly fainted when Rick appeared in the emergency room at his local hospital. Rick also performed the amazing feat of driving his Ford Focus to the hospital while standing up! You've Got to Be Kidding Me!

Richard Simmons!

Craig Bomfotter of Colorado Springs, Neb. has the world’s largest collection of glitter tank tops formerly worn by fitness guru Richard Simmons! In fact, Bomfotter has two storage facilities with nothing but Richard Simmons’ memorabilia, including shorts and pantyhose formerly worn by the Sweatin’ to the Oldies superstar. Bomfotter is so enamored with Simmons, he has even had plastic surgery and hair transplants in order to look exactly like his idol. Unfortunately, the 5’5” Bomfotter weighs 456 pounds and frequently scares small children when he ventures into town wearing his Simmons get-up. You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me!

Molly Hatchet!

Jennifer Bleck of Viagraville, W. Va. has amazed and puzzled doctors with her large cold sores on her lips that never seem to go away! Bleck has had issues with consistent cold sores ever since she began traveling across the country to follow her favorite Southern Rock band, Molly Hatchet. Bleck also holds the world’s record for the most number of hickeys on her neck at one time! You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me!

And finally, J.R. Grace of Batesville, Ark. holds the distinction of being arrested the most times for stalking Miley Cyrus! Grace (no, um, relation to this columnist…maybe) has been arrested in Hollywood, Manhattan, Nashville, Las Vegas, Chicago, North Little Rock, and Pigeon Forge, Tenn. for stalking the teen superstar. Many of those arrests were made with Grace dressed as Cyrus’ Hannah Montana character. A restraining order has been placed on Grace by Cyrus, but I will not let – um, excuse me – Grace says he will not let the flimsy authority of Earthly officials keep him from uniting in glorious and celestial union with his angelic bride-to-be for blessed eternity, by the power of my master, Gorgzon!

I’m not kidding.

The future Mrs. J.R. Grace as foretold by Gorgzon!

Mysterious Hannah Montana Impersonator!

Rob Grace Reality TV Productions

Here's my "All Over the Map" from next week's Arkansas Weekly:

With Survivor, American Idol, The Biggest Loser, The Real World, The Deadliest Catch, The Apprentice, Kate Plus 8, Jersey Shore, The Bachelor, 19 Kids and Counting, and -- likely the most mentally stimulating show on TV -- Keeping Up with the Kardashians, it’s obvious reality television is here to stay.

That’s why I’ve decided to become a reality television producer. I’m heading to Hollywood next week to pitch to the networks a number of proposals that will be so groundbreaking, the Emmys will have to be renamed the Robbys in my honor.

And lucky for you, dear Arkansas Weekly readers, I’ve decided to give you a sneak preview of the various reality shows I’ll soon have in production.


Kardashian Manor, WV – Those sexy Kardashian sisters – Kim, Khloe and Kourtney – plus their mom, Kris, and stepdad, Bruce Jenner, are forced to live together in a manufactured home while also working at a Dollar General in rural West Virginia. The West Virginia locals will be encouraged to mentally and possibly -- fingers crossed! -- physically harass the clan while the cameras roll. I’m hoping to catch at least one catfight between a Kardashian sister and a female barfly, and to make things really interesting, I’ll somehow try to have a local dealer introduce Bruce to crystal meth. Hilarity ensues!

Tempting the Losers – I’ll gather all the past winners of the popular weight loss show, The Biggest Loser, and house them in a beautiful seaside mansion. But, in a twist, the contestants will not be allowed to exercise, and they’ll be surrounded by delicious fatty foods such as waffles, fried chicken, pizza, ice cream, spaghetti and meatballs, Twinkies and all types of chocolate goodies. The first contestant to eat until their stomach bursts wins!


True Grit – My cameras will be embedded with the hard working journalists of Grit magazine as I follow them on exciting stories such as investigating the best way to grow asparagus, learning the secrets of properly canning vegetables, and delving into the fascinating world of the American bullfrog. Fasten your seatbelt for what will be electrifying television!


The Duggar Kids Go to Vegas – I’ll team up with the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas and house all the spawn of Tonitown, Arkansas’s most famous residents, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, in a penthouse suite for three months. Jim Bob and Michelle will be forbidden to contact the kids while I have Paris Hilton guide the brood on nightly visits to all the hot spots on the Vegas Strip. My cameras will be rolling when the Duggar boys are introduced to Jagerbombs, tattoos, growing their hair over their ears, Sigfried & Roy and the UNLV cheerleading squad while the Duggar ladies party with Snoop Dog’s posse and take pole dancing lessons. Hilarity ensues!

Paul Sr.

American Chopper: The Rainbow Edition – Those macho Teutel men, Paul Sr. and Paul Jr., are put to the test when Paul Sr. comes out of the closet and decides to cater their motorcycle business to the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy crowd. Barry Manilow, Lady Gaga, Liza Minnelli and the cast of Glee are lined up for special appearances.

Jersey Academy – The crazy gang of Jersey Shore heads to college. That’s right! I’ll enroll The Situation, Snooki and the rest of those wacky friends into Princeton. My cameras will be rolling when The Situation and Prof. Cornel West debate race relations while comparing their six packs as well as when Snooki’s head literally explodes during a lecture on the classification of multivariate time series via temporal abstraction.

Killing the Kardashians – Finally, I revisit the Kardashian clan with this fantastic show. I’ll arrange for the supervised release of three of America’s most notorious serial killers, and we’ll follow them as they try to track down and kidnap each member of the Kardashians. Obviously, we won’t allow the convicts to actually kill the Kardashians, but it’ll be exciting television when, for instance, Kim is abducted outside a nightclub and buried alive in a plywood box equipped with my cameras somewhere in the Nevada desert. Trust me, hilarity will ensue!