Worth It

Here's my "All Over the Map" from next week's Arkansas Weekly:

As I write this, I’m sitting by a large swimming pool populated with tourists. My son is taking numerous trips down the waterslide that towers above the pool while my daughter and her pal rest upstairs in the hotel room.

The locale is Walt Disney World, and after trudging through post-Independence Day crowds on days well above 90, days where the bottle of sunscreen was consistently forgotten and left unopened in the room, days where I received blisters on areas of my feet I didn’t even know I utilized, it suddenly hit me: Dad was tired.

Oh, and one more thing: Dad was broke.

Welcome to summer vacation 2010.

Obviously, Walt Disney World offers an enormous variety of supremely fun opportunities for kids of all ages.

It’s also going to force me to take another job.

Now, before I go any further, I’m not some Scrooge trying to suck the fun, the appreciation, the blessing of being able to let your kids enjoy time at Walt Disney World. The endless smiles, laughter and companionship unquestionably trump any type of monetary sacrifice made.

No, my point is the Disney folks know how to make a buck.

In “Atlantic City,” Bruce Springsteen sings of a man being forced to carry “debts that no honest man can pay.” Well, brothers and sisters, Rev. Rob is here to tell you that a trip to Walt Disney World will make you dearly appreciate the low-cost amusement of armband night at the county fair.

Am I going to have to resort to some sort of criminal activity to help pay the debts Mickey and Donald have forced me to carry?

Because before you even arrive, it seems Mickey and Donald -- with ski-masks tight over their familiar faces (Mick’s mask has holes cut out for his ears while Donald’s has a huge hole cut for his beak) and holding sawed-off pump shotguns -- have already plopped themselves at your proverbial doorstep when you’re booking the reservation.

“Hey there, son,” says Mickey under the mask. “You’re gonna want to splurge a little extra if you want the hotel with the water slide, heh-heh-ha!”

“Oh,” says Donald. “And since you’re too cheap to purchase the Disney Dining Plan, guess what? You’re gonna pay out the wazoo when you come eat at our restaurants even though the cuisine is about as tasty as airplane food! Hahahahahaha!”

“You see, son,” says Mickey. “The overhead at Walt Disney World is really big! Did you know we have an entire underground city under the park that we have to maintain for our operation? It has offices, locker rooms, cafeterias and lots of departments to make the magic of Disney come to life!”

“That underground complex takes a lot of money to maintain, let alone the stuff above ground like the rides and park maintenance!” says Donald.

“And,” says Mickey, “in addition to lodging and dining, expect to pay a lot of money on cheap souvenirs that we’ve marked up 500%, on irresistible overpriced photos we take of you and your family every time one of our rollercoasters makes a drop, and on those watered-down cocktails you’re gonna need at the end of the day when you realize how much money you’ve spent in the past 24 hours!”

“We’ve gotta satisfy our Disney stockholders!” says Donald.

“So,” says Mickey, as he shoves his shotgun in my side, “why don’t you just sign over your next five years’ earnings right now, and just get it over with, you cotton-topped, pot-bellied mousketeer, before your guts splatter all over your wallpaper?”

***

Obviously, I exaggerate.

And, again, it’s all worth it: the crowds, the lines, the long walks, the blisters and, yes, the bills.

The kids are laughing. The kids are smiling. The kids are all right.

And I am too.

My son saying goodbye to Walt Disney World. (Mickey Mouse ears: $10.95. $10.95!!)

Another LeBron Decision

Here's my "All Over the Map" for next week's Arkansas Weekly:


Basketball player LeBron James recently announced he was leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat, ending a period of endless speculation that captivated millions of sports fans across the globe.

Now, however, it looks as though another looming decision by James is destined to leave the public again on edge.

Sources say James is now contemplating the purchase of a hands-free Bluetooth headset for his cell phone, a decision that will likely be scrutinized for weeks to come.

“LeBron is really torn,” said a well-placed source. “On one hand, he thinks the hands-free headset for cell phones is extremely handy. For example, if he’s being chauffeured in his customized Chevrolet Suburban, and he receives a phone call, he can actually talk on the phone and leave his hands in his lap. Plus, there’s always a risk for getting a crick when you hold the phone between your neck and shoulder, and LeBron can’t afford to have a crick. So, there are some advantages for LeBron to purchase a hands-free set.”

However, some in LeBron’s camp are discouraging the superstar from purchasing a headset.

“Let’s be honest,” said another source close to the newly signed Heat player, “those hands-free headsets are sort of goofy. I mean, you see folks with those things in their ear and think, ‘Are you that damn lazy that you can’t put your phone to your ear?’ Plus, when some of these people are talking through those headsets, and if you can’t see the thing in the ear, you think for a moment, ‘Hey, look at that nut. He’s over there talking to himself. Somebody better call the loony bin.’ LeBron can’t have that happen. He’s got an image to uphold.”

ESPN analyst Jalen Rose seems to be in the anti-headset camp.

“Look, I’m all for safety when it comes to using a cell phone while driving,” said Rose. “But LeBron is chauffeured everywhere, so that’s not an issue. What people in the league and people on Team LeBron are concerned about is the fact that LeBron’s a stylish dude off the court. Ralph Lauren delivers King James customized shirts and slacks all the time, and people who wear customized Ralph Lauren simply don’t wear those headsets. Not only does it create a style clash, but those headsets are so 2002. LeBron has to be a trendsetter, not a trend re-setter.”

Other analysts indicate that LeBron could be influenced by new teammate Chris Bosh, who has been spotted clubbing with a customized Bang & Olufsen ear piece.

“Bosh has zero style,” said an anti-headset member of Team LeBron. “Dude wears Hollister t-shirts everywhere. We ain’t in 2006 anymore. When Bosh is wearing that ear piece, he thinks he’s all that. He thinks that people think he’s talking to someone important, and that he’s too good to bring the phone to his ear. He’s a punk who’s gonna ruin LeBron’s style.”

One fellow celebrity has already placed himself firmly in the anti-headset camp.

“LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME! DON’T YOU DARE HANG UP ON ME!” said Mel Gibson in a phone interview with this reporter. “LEBRON WOULD LOOK STUPID WITH ONE OF THOSE (expletive deleted) HEADSETS! HE’LL LOOK (expletive deleted) STUPID! HE’LL GO OUT IN PUBLIC AND LOOK STUPID! HE’LL BE AN EMBARRASSMENT! IF HE CHOOSES TO START WEARING A HEADSET, I WILL GO AND I WILL BURN HIS (expletive deleted) HOUSE DOWN! BUT WHAT DOES IT MATTER? I HAVE TO SELL MY BOX AT THE LAKERS GAMES BECAUSE I’M BROKE! SO, GO AHEAD MIGHTY KING JAMES, WEAR YOUR STUPID LOOKING HEADSET! I WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE YOU PLAY ANYMORE FROM MY LAKERS BOX, SO I! DON’T! (expletive deleted)! CARE!”

ESPN will air a special one-hour program tomorrow night at 8 p.m. where LeBron will announce his decision in a live interview. If it’s any indication, the program is sponsored by Bang & Olufsen.

Regrets

Here be my "All Over the Map" from next week's Arkansas Weekly:

Let’s face it. We all make mistakes. We’ve all done things we regret.

Just this morning as I waited in a long line of traffic, I regret that I didn’t let the little elderly woman pull out in front of me.

That was simply rude of me, and I regret it.

I’m sure, however, that she regrets giving me the finger.

I also regret giving her the finger as well. And yelling the b-word to her.

Particularly since my pastor was riding with me.

I regret having that fifth slice of pizza at lunch last week. I regret having two stacks of banana pancakes for breakfast yesterday. I regret having those four – no, wait…uh, those 22 40-ounce bottles of Colt 45 last night.

And I regret what I did to my pastor’s slacks in the car this morning when I felt queasy and leaned over his lap.


I regret not buying my little boy that set of Legos he wanted the other day. It cost $3.99, but I told him that he has to learn the value of a dollar, that he can’t just spend money on all types of silly things. Thinking back, I believe he really would have enjoyed those Legos.

But that day, I only had five bucks in my wallet. And I had to spend that on a new Miley Cyrus poster for my bedroom.

Speaking of Miley, I regret not telling her how much I liked her new album when I ran into her the other day at Dolly Parton’s Dollywood theme park in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. I was there for the 25th anniversary of Dollywood. But the real reason I was there was to visit with Miley, who was performing with Dolly for the celebration.

See, Miley and I have struck up somewhat of a friendship. I’ve been sending her roses every day. I’ve also been sending videos of myself performing all of her hits. And when I found out she was going to be at Dollywood, do you think I was going to let a restraining order against me that was requested by Miley’s law firm after I showed up at her Nashville estate dressed completely like Hannah Montana keep me from seeing her?

No, silly.

So when I barged on stage at Dollywood and tried to hug Miley and explain to her that the spirit of the mighty warlord Gorgzon was telling me that the two of us were meant to be together to lead the upcoming war against the unrighteous when the end of days begin on July 17, I regret I didn’t mention to her how much I liked the new CD.

I also regret pulling off Dolly’s wig when security forcibly escorted me off the stage.

I had no idea Dolly Parton wore wigs.

I regret not listening to my physician’s advice regarding a troublesome case of jock itch. I should have accepted his prescription for some strong anti-itch cream. Instead, I thoroughly saturated the affected region with gasoline and then dropped a lit match onto my groin area.

It goes without saying that I regret doing that.

Finally, I regret writing my column from two weeks ago regarding my collection of heads.

I received many letters from concerned readers who believe that I might have some type of chemical imbalance in my cerebral area. Or as a reader from Thida put it: “You, sir, are insane and need to be locked up. Please stay away from sharp objects and loaded firearms.”

So I regret giving people the impression that I might have some type of mental issue.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’m quite the sane and rational man.

At least that’s what Gorgzon tells me.

Particularly when he talks to me through the squirrels.