Here's my "All Over the Map" for next week's Arkansas Weekly:
It’s been a while since I’ve had a physical.
Putting off my checkup is the result of procrastination, worry that a long needle will be involved in some fashion, and an extreme reluctance to experience a probable prostate examination.
I’m at that age, you know.
I’m also at the age where I’m experiencing some odd aches and pains, as well as other new ailments that I, unfortunately, feel I’ll have to bring up to my doctor.
For instance, I’ve been having a severe ache in my left shoulder and upper arm. I’m wondering if it’s a rotator cuff issue, or worse, an indication of some heart problems.
I mean, don’t get me wrong: If I have a serious problem, I obviously have to take the appropriate action my doctor recommends.
I just dread the likely use of needles.
And the shoulder problem is just one issue. I have plenty of others that I feel will need attention.
My fingers sometimes stiffen and ache, particularly in the morning. Arthritis? Carpal Tunnel Syndrome? Or could it be the result of neglecting to tend to my hand after I slammed it in my car door a few months ago? I think I should have had it x-rayed – particularly after it turned black, swelled to the size of Mickey Mouse’s glove and three fingernails fell off.
And here’s something odd: What does it mean if your ear wax is dark green, fuzzy and actually crawls off the Q-Tip? That might be an issue.
I need to ask if there would be a reason why, without any nausea, I spontaneously throw up when I come across Nancy Grace’s nostrils on Headline News. (And, of course, by Nancy Grace, I mean the television host, not my mom – who has beautiful nostrils.)
I’ve got to do something about my toenails. I really have to start clipping them on a regular basis. They’ve curled upward so much, I’m having to wear sandals. They also seem to scare small children and, well, everyone else.
There’s a constant sharp pain in my right ear, and many times I also have bleeding in that particular area. However, when I remove the ice pick, the pain and bleeding stop. That’s odd, isn’t it?
I’m losing hair under my right armpit, but I’m growing thick patches of hair under the curly nails of my big toes.
When I sleep, I usually have to go to the bathroom -- 37 times.
I sometimes dress as Bozo, then go to the bank and ask for a loan to build a fleet of Monster Trucks fueled entirely by mayonnaise. Perhaps there is a pill that will stop me from doing this because it’s hell to stuff my feet and toenails into those clown shoes.
Oh – I also probably need some antibiotics of some type. Rascal, my pet opossum, bit my right pinky the other day, and the finger now has the color and texture of a Slim Jim.
I’m not mad at Rascal, by the way. He simply got a little rambunctious when I tried to dress him in his Batman costume.
Finally, I’ve recently noticed that when I go outside during daylight, my skin burns. I know my pigmentation is extremely sensitive, but it’s started to become ridiculous. So, now I mainly sleep during the day and work all night.
I’ve also noticed an extreme allergic reaction to garlic. In fact, my diet now simply consists of extremely rare and bloody steak, and I’m getting tired of that. I’m craving something else that I can’t exactly pinpoint. It’s driving me batty.
And, I know this question probably needs to be answered by my dentist, but why in the world would I now have a set of fangs?