Here's my "All Over the Map" for next week's Arkansas Weekly:
I’ve decided to purchase an Airbus A321 jet airliner.
The purchase price is somewhere around $92 million. I might have to refinance my Buick to help with some payment options on the jet, but surely my banker will help me out.
Of course, I’ll have to spend about $10 million on the interior design because, hey, I’m fancy.
And this is how I picture the inside of my new jet: I’ll have leather seats and sofas, obviously. Shag carpeting will not only cover the floor but also the walls and ceiling. I’ll need to add some hardwood flooring somewhere because I like to clog.
Sixty-two-inch high-definition televisions will hang throughout the cabin and in the lavatory. But I will have a master bathroom with a large Jacuzzi, steam room, shower, sink, toilet and bidet. (Note: I will have to remind certain friends and relatives that the bidet is not a water fountain.)
I will also look into opening a Hooters franchise in the back of the aircraft. Those are always good to have in private jets, and their buffalo wings are fantastic.
Having such a large aircraft with a customized interior will really be neat. Think about it: at a moment’s notice, I could call about twenty of my friends, and ask them to meet me at the airport. So, in about 15 minutes, we would all enter the jet, take off, and in 10 minutes, land in Jonesboro for a nice meal at Chili’s!
Then, if we wanted to go to the mall, we could go shopping and purchase some nice socks at Dillard’s! Then, we would get back on the jet, fly back to Batesville, and in 15 minutes be at our houses watching CSI: Miami in our new socks!
And I didn’t even mention that during our flight to Jonesboro we would have a buffalo wing appetizer at my Hooter’s outlet!
Unbelievable!
I’ve got to get to work on this!
Think of all the places I could go in my new jet! Little Rock! Hot Springs! Pine Bluff! Fayetteville! Camden!
Heck, now that I think about it, I could even fly to Dallas!
Unbelievable!
And I didn’t even mention other perks I’d have with my new jet. No airport security lines. No losing luggage. No cramped seats. No one sitting next to you that smells faintly like old cream cheese.
I would automatically be a member of the “jet set” because many billionaires and celebrities own jets. John Travolta owns a jet airliner. The two geeks from Google own a jet airliner. I even bet that David Caruso from CSI: Miami owns a jet airliner.
See, if I had a jet, these folks would respect me, and we could hang.
I could call up David Caruso and ask him to get in his jet while I get in mine, and then we’d fly off, and meet in Jonesboro for lunch at Chili’s!
We would likely order some baby back ribs and the Smokehouse Burger. We’d sit in a booth and talk about how cool we are in our jets. And when we wanted to make a particular important point, we’d slowly put on our sunglasses for dramatic effect like David does on CSI: Miami.
He’s cool. Just look at the picture:
So, I have to get to work. My Buick has about 112,434 miles on it. I should be able to get a decent refinancing plan to help with my payments on my new jet airliner.
I wonder why more people don’t do this. Are they nuts?
Unbelievable!
BLOG EXTRA! DAVID CARUSO'S BEST SUNGLASSES MOMENTS!
I’ve decided to purchase an Airbus A321 jet airliner.
The purchase price is somewhere around $92 million. I might have to refinance my Buick to help with some payment options on the jet, but surely my banker will help me out.
Of course, I’ll have to spend about $10 million on the interior design because, hey, I’m fancy.
And this is how I picture the inside of my new jet: I’ll have leather seats and sofas, obviously. Shag carpeting will not only cover the floor but also the walls and ceiling. I’ll need to add some hardwood flooring somewhere because I like to clog.
Sixty-two-inch high-definition televisions will hang throughout the cabin and in the lavatory. But I will have a master bathroom with a large Jacuzzi, steam room, shower, sink, toilet and bidet. (Note: I will have to remind certain friends and relatives that the bidet is not a water fountain.)
I will also look into opening a Hooters franchise in the back of the aircraft. Those are always good to have in private jets, and their buffalo wings are fantastic.
Having such a large aircraft with a customized interior will really be neat. Think about it: at a moment’s notice, I could call about twenty of my friends, and ask them to meet me at the airport. So, in about 15 minutes, we would all enter the jet, take off, and in 10 minutes, land in Jonesboro for a nice meal at Chili’s!
Then, if we wanted to go to the mall, we could go shopping and purchase some nice socks at Dillard’s! Then, we would get back on the jet, fly back to Batesville, and in 15 minutes be at our houses watching CSI: Miami in our new socks!
And I didn’t even mention that during our flight to Jonesboro we would have a buffalo wing appetizer at my Hooter’s outlet!
Unbelievable!
I’ve got to get to work on this!
Think of all the places I could go in my new jet! Little Rock! Hot Springs! Pine Bluff! Fayetteville! Camden!
Heck, now that I think about it, I could even fly to Dallas!
Unbelievable!
And I didn’t even mention other perks I’d have with my new jet. No airport security lines. No losing luggage. No cramped seats. No one sitting next to you that smells faintly like old cream cheese.
I would automatically be a member of the “jet set” because many billionaires and celebrities own jets. John Travolta owns a jet airliner. The two geeks from Google own a jet airliner. I even bet that David Caruso from CSI: Miami owns a jet airliner.
See, if I had a jet, these folks would respect me, and we could hang.
I could call up David Caruso and ask him to get in his jet while I get in mine, and then we’d fly off, and meet in Jonesboro for lunch at Chili’s!
We would likely order some baby back ribs and the Smokehouse Burger. We’d sit in a booth and talk about how cool we are in our jets. And when we wanted to make a particular important point, we’d slowly put on our sunglasses for dramatic effect like David does on CSI: Miami.
He’s cool. Just look at the picture:
So, I have to get to work. My Buick has about 112,434 miles on it. I should be able to get a decent refinancing plan to help with my payments on my new jet airliner.
I wonder why more people don’t do this. Are they nuts?
Unbelievable!
BLOG EXTRA! DAVID CARUSO'S BEST SUNGLASSES MOMENTS!
