This is my column for next week's Arkansas Weekly: I’m not sure if I should be concerned or not, but my 13-year-old daughter wants a pet monkey.
She’s very insistent about having a pet monkey. When I pick her up from school, she asks: “So…when are you going to buy me my pet monkey?” When I talk to her on the phone, she asks: “So…when are you going to buy me my pet monkey?” And when I open up a Facebook message from her, it says: “get. me. the. monkey.”
I told you she was insistent.
Her mom is adamant that she will not have a monkey. And, I’ve pointed out that monkeys are not domesticated animals – in fact, they’re quite insane. A monkey would pull her hair. It would jump on the curtains. It would bite people. It would throw its poop at her friends. It would hide the remote control. It would attempt to take the car keys and drive her mom’s SUV into the neighbor’s swimming pool. And it would try to mate with her dog – which would thoroughly confuse the dog because the dog is currently having relations with a large fluffy cat doll. (Unfortunately, I’m not kidding about the large fluffy cat doll. It’s quite frightening.)
I’ve also tried to explain to her that the monkey would need to wear diapers and that she would be responsible for purchasing and changing those diapers on a regular basis. Once she forks over the money for a pack of Pampers as well as wipes up some smeared monkey poop, then she might change her mind.
The monkey has become a topic of interest on my Facebook page. Many friends have told me to remind her that monkeys are notorious creatures, that they can carry diseases, and as I noted, that they might have relations with other unwilling household pets.
Two Facebook friends wondered if she wants a monkey because of Michael Jackson. You see, she’s become quite the MJ fan since his passing. (She recently wrote on her Facebook page the following: “My name is Hannah, and I love Michael Jackson! Too bad he is dead.”) MJ, you’ll remember, had a pet chimpanzee named Bubbles. Maybe Hannah wants her own Bubbles. What she doesn’t realize is that Bubbles is now very old and thinks he’s an accountant from Des Moines.
OK – I was kidding about the accountant part, but Bubbles is at a monkey rest home. And elderly monkeys can go really bonkers as the years pass.
Take, for instance, the horrible case about the Old Navy chimp. Travis, a 200-pound chimpanzee who had appeared in a television commercial for the clothing retailer, escaped from his cage one day last February and savagely attacked a woman before he was shot dead by police.
The key adverb above is “savagely.” Monkeys may be cute for a while, but one needs to remember that they’re also savages. They have fangs, and when they’re in a bad mood, those fangs do a terrific job of ripping flesh from bone.
It’s important to remind my daughter of such things, and it doesn’t help when she sees snuggly little monkeys on television or videos of Michael Jackson carrying around a chimp like a toddler. The dark side of these primates must be exposed!
Oh, maybe I’m being a little dramatic. I mean, I hate to break it to Hannah, but there’s no way she’s getting a pet monkey. She may pout for a few days, but she’ll grow out of this phase. And really, it’s somewhat reassuring to know that the main impression she has received from a troubled and recently deceased pop star was that he had a chimpanzee as a pet.
It’s not like she’s wants to have nose surgeries every other week.
She’s very insistent about having a pet monkey. When I pick her up from school, she asks: “So…when are you going to buy me my pet monkey?” When I talk to her on the phone, she asks: “So…when are you going to buy me my pet monkey?” And when I open up a Facebook message from her, it says: “get. me. the. monkey.”
I told you she was insistent.
Her mom is adamant that she will not have a monkey. And, I’ve pointed out that monkeys are not domesticated animals – in fact, they’re quite insane. A monkey would pull her hair. It would jump on the curtains. It would bite people. It would throw its poop at her friends. It would hide the remote control. It would attempt to take the car keys and drive her mom’s SUV into the neighbor’s swimming pool. And it would try to mate with her dog – which would thoroughly confuse the dog because the dog is currently having relations with a large fluffy cat doll. (Unfortunately, I’m not kidding about the large fluffy cat doll. It’s quite frightening.)
I’ve also tried to explain to her that the monkey would need to wear diapers and that she would be responsible for purchasing and changing those diapers on a regular basis. Once she forks over the money for a pack of Pampers as well as wipes up some smeared monkey poop, then she might change her mind.
The monkey has become a topic of interest on my Facebook page. Many friends have told me to remind her that monkeys are notorious creatures, that they can carry diseases, and as I noted, that they might have relations with other unwilling household pets.
Two Facebook friends wondered if she wants a monkey because of Michael Jackson. You see, she’s become quite the MJ fan since his passing. (She recently wrote on her Facebook page the following: “My name is Hannah, and I love Michael Jackson! Too bad he is dead.”) MJ, you’ll remember, had a pet chimpanzee named Bubbles. Maybe Hannah wants her own Bubbles. What she doesn’t realize is that Bubbles is now very old and thinks he’s an accountant from Des Moines.
OK – I was kidding about the accountant part, but Bubbles is at a monkey rest home. And elderly monkeys can go really bonkers as the years pass.
Take, for instance, the horrible case about the Old Navy chimp. Travis, a 200-pound chimpanzee who had appeared in a television commercial for the clothing retailer, escaped from his cage one day last February and savagely attacked a woman before he was shot dead by police.
The key adverb above is “savagely.” Monkeys may be cute for a while, but one needs to remember that they’re also savages. They have fangs, and when they’re in a bad mood, those fangs do a terrific job of ripping flesh from bone.
It’s important to remind my daughter of such things, and it doesn’t help when she sees snuggly little monkeys on television or videos of Michael Jackson carrying around a chimp like a toddler. The dark side of these primates must be exposed!
Oh, maybe I’m being a little dramatic. I mean, I hate to break it to Hannah, but there’s no way she’s getting a pet monkey. She may pout for a few days, but she’ll grow out of this phase. And really, it’s somewhat reassuring to know that the main impression she has received from a troubled and recently deceased pop star was that he had a chimpanzee as a pet.
It’s not like she’s wants to have nose surgeries every other week.
