Next week's "All Over the Map"

Here's my "All Over the Map" from next week's Arkansas Weekly:

Whooo-weee!

It’s April 30 as I type these words, and I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking about packing the truck and heading to Stillwater, Oklahoma this weekend.

Why?

Well, I’ll tell you why, neighbor: it’s the 18th annual Tumbleweed Testicle Festival, tonight through May 2!

That’s right! All-you-can-eat fried calf testicles! My stomach is growling for some right now!

Can you hear it?

Man, I can’t wait to plop a bunch of these babies in my mouth.

These Tumbleweed Testicle Festivals sound fun. Lots of music from acts such as Cross Canadian Ragweed, Pat Green and Miranda Lambert; gallons of beer; and buckets of fried calf testicles!

The festival draws over 30,000 folks a year, according to the Oklahoma State University’s newspaper, The Daily O’Collegian. Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard and Hank Williams, Jr. have all appeared at the festival, and I’m sure they’ve all enjoyed a delicious meal of fried calf testicles.

You may not know this, but to prepare fried calf testicles, one peels the raw testicle; coats it in flour, salt and pepper; then POUNDS that sucker until it’s flat and drops it in the deep-fryer. Yummy! (Duffie Bryant, my fellow columnist, might have a better recipe. Who knows?)

Of course, fried calf testicles are not just served in these parts. They’re a popular dish in Canada, Italy and Spain. And they go by different names as well: Rocky Mountain oysters, Montana tendergroin, cowboy caviar and, of course, the always popular -- swinging beef.

I’m so hungry for some cowboy caviar that I can’t wait to go all the way to Oklahoma. I’m heading to the butcher right now! I’m gonna get a bagful of some swinging beef and fry up some Montana tendergroin for lunch!

I’ll save some for you in a doggie bag. You’ll love ‘em!

* * *

I need to clear up something from my column two weeks back concerning the T.E.A. Parties that were held April 15, and the fact that our current economic mess is a bi-partisan mess and not a partisan one.

I wrote:

The entire American political machine – populated by Democrats and Republicans – is a corrupt and infected institution that has divided the country into schoolyard factions who only see black and white and no shades of gray, no spirit of simple cooperation.

Besides being grammatically questionable (I’m quite certain my former high school grammar teacher, Tommie McDonald, could find a million things grammatically questionable in that sentence), that statement is also wrong.

The entire American political machine is not corrupt and infected. There are effective politicians from the local level to the national level that serve free of party bias and partisanship.

Say what you will about the recent defection of Sen. Arlen Specter from the G.O.P to the Democrats, but I was impressed by this comment from him: “Whatever my party affiliation, I will continue to be guided by President Kennedy’s statement that sometimes a party asks too much. When it does, I will continue my independent voting and follow my conscience on what I think is best for Pennsylvania and America.”

That’s the kind of attitude more political leaders need to embrace rather than spurn.

Remind me to send him a batch of my fried calf testicles for being such a stand-up guy.

* * *

Oh, and here’s an unsigned e-mail I received regarding that particular column:

In your article on April 22, you suggested several people should take a cruise to the coast of Somalia. Mr. Grace, if you think, as you said, everything in America is going to be o.k., well, I think you must already be on some kind of trip. How in the world can you think this? Mr. Obama saying that we are not a Christian nation is bad enough besides all of the other silly things he has done. He is trying to silence all that oppose his agenda. When homeland security comes out and puts our veterans on a watch list, does this not concern you? There are so many things that have happened…I do not have time to list all of them. But Mr. Grace you need to open your eyes and see what is happening and look at history to see what has happened to other countries when their leaders wanted no opposition. If people do not take interest in what is happening, before long I fear your freedom that you enjoy as a writer for your paper may be taken from you.

GOD BLESS THE USA

I think this particular reader needs to chill and relax. Obama’s not the boogeyman ultra conservatives make him out to be.

Reader, if you send me your mailing address, I’ll send you some of my delicious cowboy caviar.

No charge.

That should make you feel better.

* * *

Finally, a final note regarding that particular column…

I’d like to add one more name to the manifest of the Somalia coast-bound cruise ship: Adam Lambert, the creepy American Idol finalist. If it weren’t for his first name, I could swear this dude is a dudette. A manly dudette, yes, but still a dudette.

I bet he squirms at the sight of some Montana tendergroin. But if he would eat a batch, I think it might man him up, don’t you?

Yes? Me too.

Last week's "All Over the Map"

Here's last week's "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly:

Should you have a leg ulcer anytime soon, your friendly neighborhood physician might want to consider the new craze in treating such an affliction: maggots. Yes, friends, some doctors are now utilizing maggots instead of medicinal hydrogel to help heal leg ulcers. Of course, maggots have been used for centuries to help treat wounds, but more civilized times brought less gruesome forms of therapy. But last year, the British Medical Journal did a study that noted maggot therapy worked just as well as the hydrogels utilized in conventional therapy, according to the Associated Press.

Maggot therapy has been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, so any doctor can prescribe it. However, one negative side effect to maggot therapy is that some patients report a tickling sensation as those little dudes gobble away the dead tissue.

Oh, and in other instances, the maggots can wriggle out of the dressing that covers your leg ulcer, but all medicine has side effects, right?

So, the next time you suffer from a painful leg ulcer, use maggots.

Maggots. Let them eat away the pain! (Use as directed.)

Enjoy this wonderful video concerning maggot therapy!

***

Last week on April 15, groups of disgruntled citizens held T.E.A. (Taxed Enough Already) Parties across the nation. Spurred on by media personalities such as Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck from Fox News, as well as CNBC's Rick Santelli, thousands of folks gathered to protest the manner in which President Obama's administration and Congress have handled the country's economic crisis.

Many of the participants in the T.E.A. parties told reporters they had a genuine concern for the state of our nation, and insisted they were protesting in a "bipartisan" spirit. If so, good for them for utilizing their First Amendment right to voice their worries.

But of course, there were also many protesters across the country who were, well, wacko.

Here's a rundown of some messages displayed on signs at some of the rallies: OBAMA'S PLAN-WHITE SLAVERY; THE AMERICAN TAXPAYERS ARE THE JEWS FOR OBAMA'S OVENS; and BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA-THE NEW FACE OF HITLER.

Tasteful and intelligent, no?

Uh, no.

One moron even displayed a sign in the background of a Sean Hannity broadcast from a T.E.A. Party that compared the president to a Somali pirate.

If John McCain had been elected instead of Barack Obama, we would still most likely be in the same situation we are now. And this begs the question: would all of these same people and media personalities have held these protests if McCain was sitting in the Oval Office?

Witnessing at the venom, racism and sheer idiocy of a few of the protestors, as well as the message and tone of most of the more sane and decent protestors, I think the answer would be no.

Look: this economic mess in we which find ourselves is a bipartisan mess. The entire American political machine -- populated by Democrats and Republicans -- is a corrupt and infected institution that has divided the country into schoolyard factions who only see black and white and no shades of gray, no spirit of simple cooperation. And, thousands of the T.E.A. Party participants realize this and voiced their concern in this spirit. It's too bad they were overshadowed by the immature and hateful voices of some of their fellow partygoers.

But, everyone on both sides should take a deep breath. Relax. Everything's going to be O.K. America will survive, all right? Simmer down, everyone. And, I mean everyone.

Mr. Hannity and, particularly you, Mr. Beck: take a chill pill. Hey you -- Rachel Maddow and your fellow MSNBC smart-aleck, Keith Olbermann -- not every Republican is an idiot or intolerant bigot. I think the two of you, Beck and Hannity, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell -- and, heck, let's throw in Rush Limbaugh and the editorial staff of The New York Times, as well -- I think all of you should take a weekend retreat to Vegas or some spa together and just get to know each other, unwind, talk about each other's families and friends, and then all have a big, warm and fuzzy group hug.

This ridiculous and single-minded division that is promulgated and encouraged on both sides is the real enemy. That's what we should be protesting.

***

Actually, wouldn't it be nice if Maddow, Olbermann, Limbaugh, Madonna, Chris Brown, Lindsay Lohan, Rosie O'Donnell, Hannity, Beck, Pelosi, McConnell, Nancy Grace (not you, Mom!), Paris Hilton, the Octomom and Barney Frank all went on a nice luxury cruise for a long and relaxing trip...to the coast of Somalia?

Seriously, we should look into that.

Whooa!

CNN is breaking that Sen. Arlen Specter (Penn.) is breaking free of Rush Limbaugh's death grip!

-- Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter will switch from the Republican to the Democratic Party, multiple sources tell CNN.

UPDATE: The New York Times weighs in on the switch.

Oops. A bunch of bull, co-starring Meg Ryan, Shepard Smith and Heir Olbermann.

Honda Insight - Let It Shine from Honda on Vimeo.
This HAS to be fake. Has to be as fake as Meg Ryan's lips. Has to be.


What did he say? I could swear I heard Fox News' Shepard Smith drop the F-Bomb.


Over at MSNBC, Heir Olbermann rants and raves and not one single hair on his head moves. Amazing!


Finally, this is a bunch of bull. (The real fun kicks in around the 1:17 mark.)

Odds & Ends

Apparently, our movie stars are doing what most of us are doing: getting fat. (Click here for the NY Times story.)

Max Brantley and some Arkansas Times readers are concerned about the new president of Lyon College. Liberal Lyon College supporters insist it's insane to compare Lyon with Harding or Williams Baptist College. Though I usually side with Brantley on some issues, he and a few of the Arkansas Times readers are wrong on this 'un. (Click here. The comments have the meat and potatoes of the issue.)

Even with a horrible headache, a lovely Mississippi woman still served tea to some guests. (Click here.)

Nice shot, Bill...even if it wasn't anywhere near the hole. (Click here.)

The talented Scottish woman who's a You Tube sensation has a $1 million offer on the table. Too bad the offer is from someone who's obviously going to burn in hell for being horribly twisted. (Click here.)

Former Hollywood bigwig writing tell-all memoir that includes exciting scene of Barbara Walters in her underwear! (Click here.)

Would Zac Effron please shut up? We get it already: chicks dig you. (Click here via Gawker.)

Extremely cool video showcasing a new camera.

I-Movix SprintCam v3 NAB 2009 showreel from David Coiffier on Vimeo.

I'm Tiny.

Here's my TinyURL for Suburban Voodoo: http://preview.tinyurl.com/rgblog99.

Really big.

Is it me, or do I detect, um, what's the phrase I'm looking for here...uh...some "homosexual overtones" to this promo for an upcoming SpongeBob Squarepants episode?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'm nuts or something. Of course, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Via the new Movieline website, btw.

Noel, Philip and Some Goob

The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's Philip Martin has posted a podcast of the panel discussion regarding the future of newspaper film criticism in the face of the print media's slow decline. This is from March 28 at Batesville's Ozark Foothills FilmFest. Besides Martin, other members of the panel are The Onion A.V. Club writer Noel Murray and some idiot. (Cough. Cough.)

Click here for the podcast.

All kidding aside, I very much enjoyed being a part of this discussion with these two pros, and I appreciate Bob and Judy Pest, founders of the festival, for inviting me to participate.

I will say, however, that I was very much embarrassed when one female in the audience threw her underwear at me after the panel discussion. I mean, please, show some class.

I was also pissed when an audience member asked a stupid question, so I retorted: "Would you say that to Roger Ebert?" BAM! That shut that guy up. Yeah. I showed him. Besides he was all mashed potatoes and no gravy.

The punk was probably from Canada, anyway.

"Would you say that to Dennis DeYoung?

This is old by now, but it's still extremely entertaining to watch. I mean, don't you want to ask to that dumb ass DJ, "Would you say that to Steve Perry?"!?! C'mon!

Damn Canadians!

I actually love how the interviewer handled everything -- the epitome of smooth.

SIDE NOTE: I still like BBT (we all have our bad days, silly meltdowns and urges to wear vials of our lover's blood), and I actually bought a couple of those model sets from Famous Monsters of Filmland when I was a kid.

Springsteen in Tulsa -- April 7, 2009

First: Austin, Texas has the best -- bar none -- airport food in the world. Check out that sausage-brisket combo. Salt Lick BBQ, folks. No Zantac needed.

The Tulsa concert, held at the new and utterly amazing BOK Center, had the best acoustics of just about any Springsteen show I've seen. Tulsa is, let's admit it, not the most exciting city in the world, but this arena is first class...all the way. The above shot was during "Born to Run."

Encore 2009-style. Forget the Bics. It's cell phone illumination now.
A horrible, blurry iPhone pic of the BOK Center post concert. (Click on all pics for a better view.)

For better pics and a rundown of the Tulsa show, click here. (You might have to scroll down.)

Springsteen in Austin -- April 5, 2009

A few iPhone snaps from the Bruce Springsteen show in Austin last night.

Almost 17,000 fans (by my estimate) packed into the Frank Erwin Center on the University of Texas campus for the show, and it was, by far, the youngest Springsteen crowd I've seen in years. The picture directly above was taken after the show and before I fell backwards and was trampled to death.

At the "Will Call Guest List" window before the show, I snapped this exciting picture of former NBA great, former U.S. Senator, and former presidential candidate Bill Bradley's back. He's that tall dude with the white shirt. Why he was in Austin, Texas is unknown. Maybe he's a fellow Springsteen stalker, but you'd think we would've run into one another sometime down the road.

Side note: I think he threw his briefs onstage during "I'm a Rocker."

Other celeb I saw at show: Lara Flynn Boyle from Twin Peaks. She and her hubby sat one row behind me, and she could not keep her eyes off of me.

For much better pics and a review of the Austin show, click here.

"Dream Baby Dream."

Since I'm in the middle of one of my regular Springsteen-stalking jaunts, I thought I'd share this highlight from his solo "Devils & Dust" tour in the mid-00s: his haunting cover of the Suicide song, "Dream Baby Dream." Listen to all 8+ minutes...let it sink in. Best after about three glasses of wine, in the dark...with nothing but the glow of the computer monitor illuminating the room.

Bruce must've watched some David Lynch when he came up with this rendition.

And, speaking of Lynch, I didn't realize he was such a fan of movies on iPhone. Who knew?

Green beans, anyone?

Read this, then ponder your next choice of side vegetable. (Click here.)

Just kill me now.

"Everything's not black and white..." Amen.

New Ryan Adams -- Post Cardinals & Mandy marriage