It's sad to say, but I didn't even know there were archives of my column, "All Over the Map."
Click here.
Essential reading for professors and Hee Haw fans.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
BREAKING NEWS!!
From the April 1 edition of Arkansas Weekly:
Batesville Named ‘Corn Dog Capital of the World’
Ten Story Monument Planned; Business Owner Not Happy
Batesville Mayor Rick Elumbaugh couldn’t believe his eyes. But the e-mail on his computer monitor was true.
BATESVILLE NEW CORN DOG CAPITAL! the subject line read. A follow up call to the mayor from the National Corn Dog Association (NCDA) confirmed everything.
“I always knew Batesville folks loved corn dogs,” Mayor Elumbaugh told Arkansas Weekly. “But I never realized we loved ‘em that much!”
“In a study our association commissioned in 2007, we found that, per capita, no town eats as many corn dogs as Batesville,” Dick Gout, president of NCDA, said in an interview. “It was simply incredible. So, to spread the word about the tastiness of corn dogs everywhere and to celebrate Batesville’s love for corn dogs, we here at the NCDA have decided to fund construction of a monument in Batesville. Plus, we’ve officially proclaimed Batesville as Corn Dog Capital of the World.”
On a state level, the excitement was just as electric.
“As a longtime corn dog fan, I’m thrilled that Batesville has been designated as the Corn Dog Capital of the World,” Gov. Mike Bebee said in a statement. “I know that people from all over the world will now add Batesville as a travel destination, particularly when the monument is completed.”
The monument, designed by famed architect Frank Gehry, will rise 10 stories and overlook the White River. It will be constructed at the site of S & S Liquidations, which will be torn down after their move to the old roller skating rink above the Independence County Fairgrounds – a move that didn’t go down well with the owner of the business.
“Well, I ain’t too happy,” Bud Shreve grumbled to a reporter. “I mean, I like corn dogs as much as the next fella, but they had these big city attorneys come in, yapping their jaws about something called ‘enema domain,’ or something or other, said I didn’t have no choice. I blame President Obana.”
“You mean, President Obama,” a reporter corrected.
“Huh?”
“Obama.”
“Speak up, son. I can’t hear too well.”
Mr. Shreve’s son then came, ended the interview and wheeled his father back to his room at a local nursing center.
The monument will be a replica of a corn dog covered in mustard dripping down its side. At night, the mustard will glow neon-yellow and will be able to be seen from at least 10 miles away.
Oh, and one more thing: April Fools.
Batesville Named ‘Corn Dog Capital of the World’
Ten Story Monument Planned; Business Owner Not Happy
Batesville Mayor Rick Elumbaugh couldn’t believe his eyes. But the e-mail on his computer monitor was true.
BATESVILLE NEW CORN DOG CAPITAL! the subject line read. A follow up call to the mayor from the National Corn Dog Association (NCDA) confirmed everything.
“I always knew Batesville folks loved corn dogs,” Mayor Elumbaugh told Arkansas Weekly. “But I never realized we loved ‘em that much!”
“In a study our association commissioned in 2007, we found that, per capita, no town eats as many corn dogs as Batesville,” Dick Gout, president of NCDA, said in an interview. “It was simply incredible. So, to spread the word about the tastiness of corn dogs everywhere and to celebrate Batesville’s love for corn dogs, we here at the NCDA have decided to fund construction of a monument in Batesville. Plus, we’ve officially proclaimed Batesville as Corn Dog Capital of the World.”
On a state level, the excitement was just as electric.
“As a longtime corn dog fan, I’m thrilled that Batesville has been designated as the Corn Dog Capital of the World,” Gov. Mike Bebee said in a statement. “I know that people from all over the world will now add Batesville as a travel destination, particularly when the monument is completed.”
The monument, designed by famed architect Frank Gehry, will rise 10 stories and overlook the White River. It will be constructed at the site of S & S Liquidations, which will be torn down after their move to the old roller skating rink above the Independence County Fairgrounds – a move that didn’t go down well with the owner of the business.
“Well, I ain’t too happy,” Bud Shreve grumbled to a reporter. “I mean, I like corn dogs as much as the next fella, but they had these big city attorneys come in, yapping their jaws about something called ‘enema domain,’ or something or other, said I didn’t have no choice. I blame President Obana.”
“You mean, President Obama,” a reporter corrected.
“Huh?”
“Obama.”
“Speak up, son. I can’t hear too well.”
Mr. Shreve’s son then came, ended the interview and wheeled his father back to his room at a local nursing center.
The monument will be a replica of a corn dog covered in mustard dripping down its side. At night, the mustard will glow neon-yellow and will be able to be seen from at least 10 miles away.
Oh, and one more thing: April Fools.
The April 1 Edition of "All Over the Map"
Here's my "All Over the Map" for the April 1 issue of Arkansas Weekly:
It’s rare that I utilize my column to break news, but a friend of mine called me the other day and asked if I was interested in spilling the beans on something new and exciting coming to the area.
Knowing who this particular person was and the effect his announcement would have on the area, I gladly agreed to be the outlet to first report this important story.
But first, some history…
I initially got to know actor Burt Reynolds when I met him at a press function at the Evening Shade High School in 1990. The box-office superstar was in the little Arkansas community to speak at the school’s graduation as well as to promote his new television series which took place in a little Arkansas community of the same name: Evening Shade.
We immediately hit it off that night when Reynolds favorably commented on my Members Only jacket I had worn to the event. He then went into a long and detailed story about how he wore a Members Only jacket on his first date with his then-wife, Loni Anderson of WKRP in Cincinnati fame. We ended up exchanging phone numbers and addresses (this was before the era of e-mail), and he eventually hopped a plane to Little Rock.
Thinking that he would forget about our little conversation that night, I was surprised to get a phone call from the actor the next week.
“Roberto,” he said on the other end of the line. “Burt.”
And thus, a long friendship began. I’ve been Burt’s guest about once or twice a year in California and also on the sets of a couple of his films. And he’s visited Batesville about three times since 1990. Only family and close friends know of our friendship because I’m definitely not a namedropper; I’m not the kind of guy who says, “Well, my good friend, BURT REYNOLDS told me the other day in Beverly Hills…”
That’s just not my style.
So when Burt called me last week and asked me to make his big announcement, I thought I should explain our treasured and much appreciated friendship.
And without further ado, here’s the big news:
This summer, ground will be broken for the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre and Museum in Evening Shade.
“Roberto,” he told me over the phone last Tuesday, “I fell in love with Arkansas when I first visited to film my classic 1974 film, White Lightning. I visited the state almost every year since, and when the television series, Evening Shade, was first proposed, I insisted the original setting of Missouri be changed to Arkansas. I have a special feel for the Land of Opportunity, and in my later years, I want to give something back to the state.”
Reynolds and a group of investors have purchased a large section of land off Highway 167, and they plan to construct a state of the art facility as well as feature five-star cuisine and productions with some of Hollywood’s major stars.
“We’ve already planned our first play,” Reynolds told me. “It’ll be The Odd Couple with my good friend, Dom DeLuise as Felix, and I’ll be Oscar. Some other friends of mine will be playing Oscar’s poker buddies, uh…folks like Jim Nabors, Terry Bradshaw and Mel Tillis. And, my best pal, Hal Needham, will be directing. Might even add some stunts or something in the play. Hal likes stunts. Maybe I’ll throw Mel through a window or something.”
The museum wing of the facility will also be an exciting destination for Reynolds fans and movie buffs worldwide.
“Oh, yeah, it’s gonna be first rate,” he said. “I’ve got all types of memorabilia in storage now that will eventually be housed in the museum. I can tell you we’ll have the Bandit’s Trans-Am on display. Dom’s Captain Chaos costume from the Cannonball Run films will be there. I’ll have my football uniform from The Longest Yard. We’ll have a mini theatre that will show nothing but some really wacky outtakes from all of my films. Oh, and we’ll have Beatty’s tighty whities from Deliverance on display.”
Reynolds’ trademark good ‘ole boy guffaw followed.
“I was, uh, just foolin’ you there on that last one, Roberto.”
Reynolds will be flying to Little Rock next week for a press conference with Gov. Mike Bebee to officially announce the plans.
“I think it’s fantastic Burt will not only be bringing live theatre to Evening Shade, but also his wonderful memorabilia collection for the museum,” Gov. Bebee told me. “With Batesville recently being proclaimed Corn Dog Capital of the World, and now the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre and Museum coming, that part of Arkansas will definitely be a travel destination for visitors from all over the world.”
The tentative opening date for the facility in Evening Shade is exactly one year from today: April 1.
It’s rare that I utilize my column to break news, but a friend of mine called me the other day and asked if I was interested in spilling the beans on something new and exciting coming to the area.
Knowing who this particular person was and the effect his announcement would have on the area, I gladly agreed to be the outlet to first report this important story.
But first, some history…
I initially got to know actor Burt Reynolds when I met him at a press function at the Evening Shade High School in 1990. The box-office superstar was in the little Arkansas community to speak at the school’s graduation as well as to promote his new television series which took place in a little Arkansas community of the same name: Evening Shade.
We immediately hit it off that night when Reynolds favorably commented on my Members Only jacket I had worn to the event. He then went into a long and detailed story about how he wore a Members Only jacket on his first date with his then-wife, Loni Anderson of WKRP in Cincinnati fame. We ended up exchanging phone numbers and addresses (this was before the era of e-mail), and he eventually hopped a plane to Little Rock.
Thinking that he would forget about our little conversation that night, I was surprised to get a phone call from the actor the next week.
“Roberto,” he said on the other end of the line. “Burt.”
And thus, a long friendship began. I’ve been Burt’s guest about once or twice a year in California and also on the sets of a couple of his films. And he’s visited Batesville about three times since 1990. Only family and close friends know of our friendship because I’m definitely not a namedropper; I’m not the kind of guy who says, “Well, my good friend, BURT REYNOLDS told me the other day in Beverly Hills…”
That’s just not my style.
So when Burt called me last week and asked me to make his big announcement, I thought I should explain our treasured and much appreciated friendship.
And without further ado, here’s the big news:
This summer, ground will be broken for the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre and Museum in Evening Shade.
“Roberto,” he told me over the phone last Tuesday, “I fell in love with Arkansas when I first visited to film my classic 1974 film, White Lightning. I visited the state almost every year since, and when the television series, Evening Shade, was first proposed, I insisted the original setting of Missouri be changed to Arkansas. I have a special feel for the Land of Opportunity, and in my later years, I want to give something back to the state.”
Reynolds and a group of investors have purchased a large section of land off Highway 167, and they plan to construct a state of the art facility as well as feature five-star cuisine and productions with some of Hollywood’s major stars.“We’ve already planned our first play,” Reynolds told me. “It’ll be The Odd Couple with my good friend, Dom DeLuise as Felix, and I’ll be Oscar. Some other friends of mine will be playing Oscar’s poker buddies, uh…folks like Jim Nabors, Terry Bradshaw and Mel Tillis. And, my best pal, Hal Needham, will be directing. Might even add some stunts or something in the play. Hal likes stunts. Maybe I’ll throw Mel through a window or something.”
The museum wing of the facility will also be an exciting destination for Reynolds fans and movie buffs worldwide.
“Oh, yeah, it’s gonna be first rate,” he said. “I’ve got all types of memorabilia in storage now that will eventually be housed in the museum. I can tell you we’ll have the Bandit’s Trans-Am on display. Dom’s Captain Chaos costume from the Cannonball Run films will be there. I’ll have my football uniform from The Longest Yard. We’ll have a mini theatre that will show nothing but some really wacky outtakes from all of my films. Oh, and we’ll have Beatty’s tighty whities from Deliverance on display.”
Reynolds’ trademark good ‘ole boy guffaw followed.“I was, uh, just foolin’ you there on that last one, Roberto.”
Reynolds will be flying to Little Rock next week for a press conference with Gov. Mike Bebee to officially announce the plans.
“I think it’s fantastic Burt will not only be bringing live theatre to Evening Shade, but also his wonderful memorabilia collection for the museum,” Gov. Bebee told me. “With Batesville recently being proclaimed Corn Dog Capital of the World, and now the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theatre and Museum coming, that part of Arkansas will definitely be a travel destination for visitors from all over the world.”
The tentative opening date for the facility in Evening Shade is exactly one year from today: April 1.
Props for Lyon
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette columnist Mike Masterson really, really, really likes our little liberal arts college here in Batesville. (Click here.)
Saturday, March 28, 2009
NY Times Odds & Ends
Even though Missouri lost to Connecticut today, should Mike Anderson be the next Razorback coach? Read about his journey thus far. (Click here.)
The pros and cons of Facebook. (Click here.)
A member of the Memphis Mafia makes an art film. (Click here.) What would Elvis think? ("Hey, Red. Where's the chicks in this flick?")
R.I.P. Irving. (Click here.)
And, will Arkansas become an attraction for Hollywood productions? (Click here.) A side note: For the record, below is the trailer for the greatest film ever produced in our state. Truly, this is an underrated masterpiece with an Oscar-worthy performance by Alex Karras.
Enjoy.
The pros and cons of Facebook. (Click here.)
A member of the Memphis Mafia makes an art film. (Click here.) What would Elvis think? ("Hey, Red. Where's the chicks in this flick?")
R.I.P. Irving. (Click here.)
And, will Arkansas become an attraction for Hollywood productions? (Click here.) A side note: For the record, below is the trailer for the greatest film ever produced in our state. Truly, this is an underrated masterpiece with an Oscar-worthy performance by Alex Karras.
Enjoy.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
"...but I really wanna show you something."
What a cool and beautifully cut trailer. Can't wait. (Make sure to watch in HD mode.)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Guinea Pigs
Bruce Springsteen delivered his first rehearsal show for his upcoming world tour last night. Here be a couple of songs.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
This Week's "All Over the Map"
Here's my "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly for this week:
I have a cantankerous buddy who seems to frown on any type of technological progress. You know, he’s the kind of guy who would’ve never given up his pen and paper for a typewriter had he been around back in the day. He’s a tad grumpy and stuck in his ways.
That said: he doesn’t own a computer, and as such, he doesn’t go online.
Once, he was complaining about not being able to find a certain type of grocery item, and I told him, “Well, just get online. You can probably find it on the internet, and order it from there.”
The look he returned was full of contempt.
“I do not need to find it on the internet,” he said. “I’ve made it just fine without using the internet.”
So every chance I get, I like to remind him of the wonders of the internet.
If he sighs and wishes he could buy a certain type of regional barbecue sauce unavailable in our area, I’ll say: “You can find that on the internet, you know?”
If he complains about an area bookstore not having a certain book, I’ll say: “You can find that on the internet, you know?”
If he wonders what year Ozzie Smith left the Cardinals, I’ll say: “You can find that on the internet, you know?”
One of these days, when he is pondering about some trivia and the words, “You can find that...” start to leave my mouth, his fist will likely stop the rest of my sentence.
There’s no doubt the internet has revolutionized our lives. Without a doubt, the positives of the online world have outweighed the negative. I mean, if you would have told me ten years ago that I would be able to watch old episodes of William Shatner’s groundbreaking police drama, T.J. Hooker, on my computer, absolutely free, I would have said that you, my friend, are clinically insane.
Yet, head to hulu.com, and you’ll not only find numerous episodes of T.J. Hooker where William Shatner and his hairpiece outwit criminals, but also episodes of 1970s staples such as What’s Happening!, Kojak and Fantasy Island.
Sadly, Hee Haw reruns are yet to be found on hulu, but that’s what youtube.com is for, right? And that’s where I found a treasure trove of clips from the greatest television show to ever come out of Nashville, Tennessee (and yes, I realize that many of you feel that Florence Henderson’s Country Kitchen was the seminal show from Nashville, but you’re just wrong).
Yes, Hee Haw – what a show. Just this morning, I found clips of the Hagar Twins (remember them) singing “Gamblin’ Man” with their wide-collared shirts, tambourine and love beads. I found clips where cast members and guests pop up from the cornfield and tell “corny” jokes. (Example: Buck Owens and Johnny Cash pop up. “Hey Johnny, I hear you play the trombone,” Buck says. “Yeah, but lately I’ve been letting it slide,” Big John says. Ha. Get it? “Lettin’ it slide.”) And of course, there are numerous videos of the greatest used car salesman in the world, Junior Samples, who – come to think of it somewhat reminds me of my grumpy old friend who refuses to use the internet. I can’t see Junior Samples using the internet were he still with us – just on principle. He probably wouldn’t even have a cell phone. All he would need would be a land line with his famous phone number: BR-549.
(Samples, who weighed almost 400 pounds at times, died of a heart attack in 1983. Guess how I found out about that tidbit? Yep, the internet.)
Like I said, there are obvious negative aspects of the internet. Access to all types of things one’s eyes should never see – like Tori Spelling without make-up – are available. And, the internet is an incredible time-waster, particularly when you’re trying to write a column.
But when I can sit back and watch the Hee Haw Honeys gossip, sing and crack double entendres while they do the laundry, why would I want to write a silly column?
By the way, some of the most famous Hee Haw Honeys were Barbi Benton (Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend); Linda Thompson (Elvis’ ex-girlfriend); and Misty Rowe (who appeared in, um, Meatballs 2).
Guess how I found all of that vital information?
That said: he doesn’t own a computer, and as such, he doesn’t go online.
Once, he was complaining about not being able to find a certain type of grocery item, and I told him, “Well, just get online. You can probably find it on the internet, and order it from there.”
The look he returned was full of contempt.
“I do not need to find it on the internet,” he said. “I’ve made it just fine without using the internet.”
So every chance I get, I like to remind him of the wonders of the internet.
If he sighs and wishes he could buy a certain type of regional barbecue sauce unavailable in our area, I’ll say: “You can find that on the internet, you know?”
If he complains about an area bookstore not having a certain book, I’ll say: “You can find that on the internet, you know?”
If he wonders what year Ozzie Smith left the Cardinals, I’ll say: “You can find that on the internet, you know?”
One of these days, when he is pondering about some trivia and the words, “You can find that...” start to leave my mouth, his fist will likely stop the rest of my sentence.
***
There’s no doubt the internet has revolutionized our lives. Without a doubt, the positives of the online world have outweighed the negative. I mean, if you would have told me ten years ago that I would be able to watch old episodes of William Shatner’s groundbreaking police drama, T.J. Hooker, on my computer, absolutely free, I would have said that you, my friend, are clinically insane.
Yet, head to hulu.com, and you’ll not only find numerous episodes of T.J. Hooker where William Shatner and his hairpiece outwit criminals, but also episodes of 1970s staples such as What’s Happening!, Kojak and Fantasy Island.
Sadly, Hee Haw reruns are yet to be found on hulu, but that’s what youtube.com is for, right? And that’s where I found a treasure trove of clips from the greatest television show to ever come out of Nashville, Tennessee (and yes, I realize that many of you feel that Florence Henderson’s Country Kitchen was the seminal show from Nashville, but you’re just wrong).
Yes, Hee Haw – what a show. Just this morning, I found clips of the Hagar Twins (remember them) singing “Gamblin’ Man” with their wide-collared shirts, tambourine and love beads. I found clips where cast members and guests pop up from the cornfield and tell “corny” jokes. (Example: Buck Owens and Johnny Cash pop up. “Hey Johnny, I hear you play the trombone,” Buck says. “Yeah, but lately I’ve been letting it slide,” Big John says. Ha. Get it? “Lettin’ it slide.”) And of course, there are numerous videos of the greatest used car salesman in the world, Junior Samples, who – come to think of it somewhat reminds me of my grumpy old friend who refuses to use the internet. I can’t see Junior Samples using the internet were he still with us – just on principle. He probably wouldn’t even have a cell phone. All he would need would be a land line with his famous phone number: BR-549.
(Samples, who weighed almost 400 pounds at times, died of a heart attack in 1983. Guess how I found out about that tidbit? Yep, the internet.)
***
Like I said, there are obvious negative aspects of the internet. Access to all types of things one’s eyes should never see – like Tori Spelling without make-up – are available. And, the internet is an incredible time-waster, particularly when you’re trying to write a column.
But when I can sit back and watch the Hee Haw Honeys gossip, sing and crack double entendres while they do the laundry, why would I want to write a silly column?
***
By the way, some of the most famous Hee Haw Honeys were Barbi Benton (Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend); Linda Thompson (Elvis’ ex-girlfriend); and Misty Rowe (who appeared in, um, Meatballs 2).
Guess how I found all of that vital information?
Friday, March 13, 2009
This is Art
My brother and I have never performed our act for the cameras...until now.
For bookings, call 1-555-HAMBONE.
I'm the one on the left, by the way.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Odds and Ends
Does Jack White sleep? (Click here for info on his THIRD band and their new CD.)
First, blogs. The, myspace. Then, Facebook. Now, the Wall Street Journal explains the latest computer confessional of the month: Twitter. (Click here for story.) My first Twitter will be: "I'm now using the bathroom."
Oh, boys. Yoo-hoo. (Click here.)
Has Rep. Maxine Waters been a naughty girl? (Click here.)
Well, not as naughty as Sen. David Ritter might have been at one time. (Click here.) Diapers? Ugh.
Hey, let's check in on the latest (faux?) Joaquin Phoenix meltdown. Here's the video. Enjoy.
Finally, cheers to the newlyweds. (Click here.)
First, blogs. The, myspace. Then, Facebook. Now, the Wall Street Journal explains the latest computer confessional of the month: Twitter. (Click here for story.) My first Twitter will be: "I'm now using the bathroom."
Oh, boys. Yoo-hoo. (Click here.)
Has Rep. Maxine Waters been a naughty girl? (Click here.)
Well, not as naughty as Sen. David Ritter might have been at one time. (Click here.) Diapers? Ugh.
Hey, let's check in on the latest (faux?) Joaquin Phoenix meltdown. Here's the video. Enjoy.
Finally, cheers to the newlyweds. (Click here.)
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
This Week's "All Over the Map"
Here's my "All Over the Map" from this week's Arkansas Weekly:
Dear President Obama,
I hope this letter finds you well and situated in your new home. The view, I hear, is fantastic, and I bet the food is delicious.
(A side note: if I were president, I would hire the cook from Herman’s Ribhouse in Fayetteville, Arkansas. You would likely gain 100 pounds, but it would be worth it. Their garlic chicken will astound, but afterwards, Michelle might not want to kiss you for a while. Who knows, though? The way women are these days that might be a bonus. [Rimshot.] Ha. That was a joke, Mr. President.)
Anyway, I downloaded a copy of your new stimulus plan. That thing has a lot of pages. I went through two printers and 27 ink cartridges just to print the damn thing. Then I acquired a hernia picking it up. And when that happened, I dropped it on my foot and fractured three toes. This being a litigious society, I first thought I might sue, but America is in a tough spot these days, so I’ll restrain my greedy urge for retribution.
However, I will say that when I started reading the plan, I was disappointed there weren’t any pictures.
(Rimshot.) Ha. Heh.
Cough. Okay, where was I?
Oh! The stimulus package. Yes.
Mr. President, I realize you’ve been receiving a lot of protest over the plan. Critics are saying, “We’ll go further into debt.” Or, “We’re just printing money, and our grandkids will have to pick up the tab. Or, “We’re spending too much money on ‘hot button’ topics such as ACORN and birth control.”
And, of course, the major criticism: “The stimulus plan is stuffed with pork.”
The last complaint surprised me because, with the exception of some religions, pork is really, really popular in America – especially barbecued.
(Rimshot.)
Heh.
Anyway, Mr. President, I realize the plan is somewhat flawed. You’re never going to please everybody, particularly some of the far-right folks, but perhaps the intent of the package is justified. If banks aren’t loaning, people aren’t spending and jobs are being lost, then we need a whole lot of cash out there for job creation, spending and such.
I also realize, Mr. President, the plan is pretty much set in stone. States are already receiving money from the package, and the proverbial ball has been set into motion. However, if I may, I’d like to respectfully suggest one additional project that is in need of funding.
Not many people realize this, but Michael Jackson is broke. He has no money after he spent it all on extravagant mansions, gifts and chimpanzees that, in the future, could attack and maul this fading superstar. Mr. President, wouldn’t you hate to pick up the newspaper one day and find that an agitated Bubbles* had bitten off what is left of Michael’s nose? Yes, I realize Bubbles is no longer with us, but I would also bet Jackson has a couple of other chimps in his shrinking entourage, and sometime in the future, when Michael’s back is turned, they’re going to pounce on the guy and go “all you can eat” on the poor man.
Chimps do that these days, you know? They’re sweet and cuddly one second -- sitting with you watching Home Improvement reruns or enjoying some dinner and wine, and then the next second, your face is in their mouth.
So, I think a fund should be established to get Michael out of debt, and if he is horribly disfigured, then he’ll have the money to pay for his eventual surgeries.
Oh, wait a minute. What am I thinking? He already is horribly disfigured!
(Rimshot.)
Ha. Heh. Ha.
Okay. You’re right, Mr. President. That joke was tasteless. My apologies.
I simply wanted to lighten up your day with a letter full of amusing ditties. Your job is tough and full of pressure, and I’m sure that sometimes in your hectic days or nights, you’d like to have a laugh or two.
Of course, you may not have found them in this letter, but if you did laugh, or even chuckle, I could do the occasional state dinner or maybe I could warm up the reporters before a major press conference every now and then. (I have some killer Helen Thomas jokes that will really loosen up the room.)
My agent’s contact information is attached, and if you talk to Bernie, tell him you want the “Presidential Special,” and I’ll give you $100 off.
Thanks for reading. Good luck, God bless you, and God bless America.
Sincerely,
Rob Grace
P.S.: Tell Rep. Barney Frank “Congratulations!” the next time you see him. If you haven’t heard, he’s been cast in the new Oliver Stone film about an experienced hunter of game. It’s called Fudd.
(Rimshot.)
Heh.
*After writing this piece, I researched Bubbles the Chimp, Michael Jackson's longtime, uh, companion, and apparently, the primate is still alive, but in an undisclosed location.
I hope this letter finds you well and situated in your new home. The view, I hear, is fantastic, and I bet the food is delicious.
(A side note: if I were president, I would hire the cook from Herman’s Ribhouse in Fayetteville, Arkansas. You would likely gain 100 pounds, but it would be worth it. Their garlic chicken will astound, but afterwards, Michelle might not want to kiss you for a while. Who knows, though? The way women are these days that might be a bonus. [Rimshot.] Ha. That was a joke, Mr. President.)
Anyway, I downloaded a copy of your new stimulus plan. That thing has a lot of pages. I went through two printers and 27 ink cartridges just to print the damn thing. Then I acquired a hernia picking it up. And when that happened, I dropped it on my foot and fractured three toes. This being a litigious society, I first thought I might sue, but America is in a tough spot these days, so I’ll restrain my greedy urge for retribution.
However, I will say that when I started reading the plan, I was disappointed there weren’t any pictures.
(Rimshot.) Ha. Heh.
Cough. Okay, where was I?
Oh! The stimulus package. Yes.
Mr. President, I realize you’ve been receiving a lot of protest over the plan. Critics are saying, “We’ll go further into debt.” Or, “We’re just printing money, and our grandkids will have to pick up the tab. Or, “We’re spending too much money on ‘hot button’ topics such as ACORN and birth control.”
And, of course, the major criticism: “The stimulus plan is stuffed with pork.”
The last complaint surprised me because, with the exception of some religions, pork is really, really popular in America – especially barbecued.
(Rimshot.)
Heh.
Anyway, Mr. President, I realize the plan is somewhat flawed. You’re never going to please everybody, particularly some of the far-right folks, but perhaps the intent of the package is justified. If banks aren’t loaning, people aren’t spending and jobs are being lost, then we need a whole lot of cash out there for job creation, spending and such.
I also realize, Mr. President, the plan is pretty much set in stone. States are already receiving money from the package, and the proverbial ball has been set into motion. However, if I may, I’d like to respectfully suggest one additional project that is in need of funding.
Not many people realize this, but Michael Jackson is broke. He has no money after he spent it all on extravagant mansions, gifts and chimpanzees that, in the future, could attack and maul this fading superstar. Mr. President, wouldn’t you hate to pick up the newspaper one day and find that an agitated Bubbles* had bitten off what is left of Michael’s nose? Yes, I realize Bubbles is no longer with us, but I would also bet Jackson has a couple of other chimps in his shrinking entourage, and sometime in the future, when Michael’s back is turned, they’re going to pounce on the guy and go “all you can eat” on the poor man.
Chimps do that these days, you know? They’re sweet and cuddly one second -- sitting with you watching Home Improvement reruns or enjoying some dinner and wine, and then the next second, your face is in their mouth.
So, I think a fund should be established to get Michael out of debt, and if he is horribly disfigured, then he’ll have the money to pay for his eventual surgeries.
Oh, wait a minute. What am I thinking? He already is horribly disfigured!
(Rimshot.)
Ha. Heh. Ha.
Okay. You’re right, Mr. President. That joke was tasteless. My apologies.
I simply wanted to lighten up your day with a letter full of amusing ditties. Your job is tough and full of pressure, and I’m sure that sometimes in your hectic days or nights, you’d like to have a laugh or two.
Of course, you may not have found them in this letter, but if you did laugh, or even chuckle, I could do the occasional state dinner or maybe I could warm up the reporters before a major press conference every now and then. (I have some killer Helen Thomas jokes that will really loosen up the room.)
My agent’s contact information is attached, and if you talk to Bernie, tell him you want the “Presidential Special,” and I’ll give you $100 off.
Thanks for reading. Good luck, God bless you, and God bless America.
Sincerely,
Rob Grace
P.S.: Tell Rep. Barney Frank “Congratulations!” the next time you see him. If you haven’t heard, he’s been cast in the new Oliver Stone film about an experienced hunter of game. It’s called Fudd.
(Rimshot.)
Heh.
*After writing this piece, I researched Bubbles the Chimp, Michael Jackson's longtime, uh, companion, and apparently, the primate is still alive, but in an undisclosed location.
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