NYC Day 4: SoHo

Trip down to SoHo...pics & stuff:

Corrugated | SoHo. December 28, 2008

The son, post orange soda | SoHo. December 28, 2008

Hannah in front of Hannah | SoHo. December 28, 2008

SoHo skyline | SoHo. December 28, 2008

SoHo doorway. Long Live the King. | SoHo. December 28, 2008

Hutt at Thompson & Prince | SoHo. December 28, 2008

NYC 1:50 am

Hotel room @ 7th Ave and 51st St. 1:50 am. Old SNL with Will Ferrell on E! Loaded up with pizza and pasta, and ready for bed.

Try to catch Gran Torino with Clint tomorrow; maybe Benjamin Button at the Ziegfeld -- one of the best theatres in the world.

Bartender at hotel told my sister and me tonight that on New Year's Eve in Times Square (two blocks down) people can't leave (and come back), so they have to urinate in the street, or some -- mainly females -- wear diapers to make it through the night. He said that folks who go to Times Square on New Year's Eve are nuts. Was he bullshitting us?

Who knows? Who cares? Goodnight.

NYC Day 3 Quick Shots

United Nations | December 27, 2008

Mysterious goob-like creature captured on camera by my son, somewhere in Manhattan | December 27, 2008

Borderline ugly looking building under construction, lower Manhattan | December 27, 2008

Subway Inn Bar, somewhere in Manhattan. Looks like the kind of place you might walk in someday and see Mickey Rourke toasting, "To all my friendsssss!" | December 27, 2008

Son, nephew, daughter and Pop, Brooklyn side of the Brooklyn Bridge. The hands of the boys are apparently missing. | December 27, 2008

Construction at Ground Zero | December 27, 2008

NYC 3 a.m.

Took a cab down to the Landmark Sunshine Cinema and caught a midnight show of the 1985 Mickey Rourke/Michael Cimino crime thriller, Year of the Dragon. I remember loving it when I saw it on VHS while in college, but time has amplified its extremely rough edges. It has moments of cinematic lightning, but it's also full of bloated bombast. Nevertheless, I had fun seeing the Panavision wide screen version on the big screen.

Took a cab back up to 51st St. Walked down a couple of blocks for a slice of pizza at Ray's Pizzeria. Now time for some beddy-bye.

Cab view riding from Sunshine Cinema | 2:15 a.m., somewhere close to Fifth Ave., NYC, December 27, 2008

Ray's Pizzeria | 2:35 a.m., Times Square, NYC, December 27, 2008

NYC Days 1 & 2

Merry belated Christmas.

Arrived in NYC yesterday without any schedule. Ate late meal, took son down to Times Square (not happy with his pizza for dinner, he grabbed a hot dog on the way) and then in bed at 11:00 Arkansas time.

Christmas night dinner at Trattoria Dell'Arte. Nephew and daughter pre-meal.

Trattoria boob sculpture thing that fascinated the 10 year old boys in our group.

Times Square | Christmas night 2008.

The dinner at Trattoria Dell'Arte was decent (not great), but don't think I didn't try to coax my son out of his dog by the time we hit Times Square. On the way, he of the 10-year-old mindset wanted to zig zag through every gadget store. By the time I was back in my room, I was ready for deep slumber.

Woke up around 10 (NYC time), walked about nine blocks to the AMC Empire 25 and caught the 11:35 showing of The Wrestler with Mickey Rourke. Beautiful movie with a heartbreaking performance from Rourke. The last 15 minutes we've all seen before, but they still work. Recommended without reservations.

1:40 p.m. Times Square -- center of the universe | December 26, 2008.

Central Park Vista One | December 26, 2008.

Central Park Vista Two | December 26, 2008

Goat cheese, tomato and onion omelet from Viand Cafe | December 26, 2008

After movie, I walked from 42nd St. to Madison & 79th St. (Detouring through Central Park.) Had lunch at a matchbox-little diner called Viand Cafe: Tomato, goat cheese and onion omelet with potatoes. (Yum.) Then walked a few blocks down to the Whitney for the William Eggleston exhibit I've been drooling about. (Click here.)

Now, back at hotel...thinking about taking a late cab to lower Manhattan for a midnight show of Year of the Dragon, the underrated Mickey Rourke/Michael Cimino Chinese gangster flick from the `80s. We'll see...

Politically Incorrect? Part 2

Wrong on so many levels, but...

I was always leery of Bert. From a "Bert is Evil" website which you can find here.

Politically Incorrect?

Mean and politically incorrect? Uh. Probably. Funny? Yep.

Next Week's "All Over the Map"

Below is my "All Over the Map" for next week's Arkansas Weekly:

Late at night, sitting around a table with friends in a smoky room, ready for bed, but not quite ready, weariness from the long day slowly envelops. And as we each get tired and run out of conversation topics, some loopy talk begins to emerge.

“Hey!” Bubba One says. “You fellas ever seen that new Hulk movie?”

“Huh?” Bubba Two asks. “Hulk? Big green dude? Lou Ferrigno?”

“Nah, man,” Bubba One says, shaking his head dismissively. “That dude was on the TV Hulk. This be the new Hulk movie.”

Bubba Two shakes his head as does Bubba Three (that’d be yours truly), who is sitting across from Bubba Two.

“Aw…man,” Bubba One says. “You guys are missing out on a great movie.”

“Yeah,” Bubba Two says. “I need to see it.”

“Ain’t that realistic,” I say. Bubbas One and Two both lean back and scoff.

“What you talking about, man?” Bubba Two asks, pointing a finger at me. “Hey! HEY! What are you talking about? Hulk is all business. He’s all business!”

“All I’m saying is that when I get mad, I don’t turn green and stuff,” I tell them.

“Hey,” Bubba One says. “Hey. Hey. Slow down, Hot Rod. Hulk got exposed with all that gamma ray s#@%. Hey! Answer this question, Hot Rod. Answer this question.”

He pauses. Turning my way, head slightly down, looking to me over his reading glasses.

“You gonna answer my question that I am getting ready to, uh, ask you?”

“Yeah,” I say. “Ask it.”

“You sure?” He asks again, still peering over his glasses to me.

“Yes. Yes. I’m gonna answer your question.”

He turns away.

“OK. OK. Here is my question. Have you…Rob Grace…ever been exposed to gamma rays? Just answer the question. Have you ever been exposed with gamma rays? Simple yes or no.”

“I…” I begin.

“Simple yes or no!” Bubba One says. “It’s a simple yes or no question. Have you ever been exposed to gamma rays?”

“I…”

“OK,” Bubba One interrupts. “I guess he’s not gonna answer the question. Simple yes or no, and he can’t give me a yes or no. OK. I thought you were a straight dude, gimme a straight answer, but you couldn’t do that even though you said you were gonna answer the question. But, I know the answer, anyway, you know? I know for a fact – for a FACT – that you, Rob Grace, have never been exposed to gamma rays.”

“That’s right!” Bubba Two nods in agreement.

“So…you know…you, uh, really Rob, you, uh, really don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bubba One says. “This mofo was all business in this movie. He gets all in Hulk mode, all green and s#@%, big ole muscles all pumped up cause he been exposed to all the gamma rays, and he like, Karate chops this cop car in half!” Bubba One slices the air with a Karate chop similar, I presume, to the manner in which the Hulk did in the movie.

“Then,” he continues, “then, check this out. Hulk picks up both halves of the car and slams them together like cymbals with the bad dude’s head in between.”

“Wow!” Bubba Two says.

“See,” I protest. “That just doesn’t…I don’t know. See, that’s like Popeye. Popeye eats the can of spinach and boom! Suddenly his forearms swell all up, and he goes to town on Bluto, and all I know is that when I eat spinach, my forearms have never swelled up like that. Never.”

“Popeye was all business on Bluto,” Bubba Two says. “All business after he ate that can of spinach.”

“You know who else was all business?” Bubba One asks. “The Coyote.”

“Coyote on Road Runner?” Bubba Two asks. Bubba One nods. Bubba Two nods back in agreement. “Yeah, bro,” he replies. “Coyote on Road Runner. All business.”

“Whooah. Whooah,” I protest. “Hold on, Hot Rods! Hold on! Coyote on Road Runner never caught the damn Road Runner. Road Runner was a million times smarter than the Coyote. Coyote was always dropping off a cliff, landing in a puff of dust bout a mile down. Road Runner was always all business.”

Bubba Two nods, lowers his head and closes his eyes in thought.

“Uhhh, no…” Bubba One says, shaking his head. “No, Rob. I, uh, I don’t think that’s a factual statement. I don’t. Coyote always had that ACME stuff that like, uh, you know, helped him catch the Road Runner.”

“No,” I say. “That ACME stuff always backfired. Coyote should have been suing ACME. Hey, Hot Rod, answer this question. Give me…you gonna answer the question?”

Bubba One: “Uh…well, if you would give me an opportunity. Are you gonna give me an opportunity? Cause right now I don’t see you giving me an opportunity, so, you know, if that’s how you roll, that’s how you roll…I’d like to answer the question.”

Me: “Well, let me ask it first. OK? Can I ask the question? Are you gonna let me ask the question?”

Bubba One acquiesces and nods.

“OK,” I say. “Give me one. One! Can you give me one example where the Coyote caught the Road Runner?”

“Ahhh,” Bubba One says. “Ahhh…you finished? You gonna let me speak? Cause if you’re not done…”

“No,” I say. “Spotlight is on you.”

“OK,” Bubba One says with a nod. “OK. Well, uh, I think…that there’s a problem with that particular question. I do. I think that’s there’s a problem with that particular question. I..uh…”

I raise my hand, stopping him. “Wait,” I say, pointing to Bubba Two. “Look.”

One looks to Two. Two’s head is still down, his arms crossed, and his chest slowly moves up and down, accompanied by a series of snores.

“Oh,” Bubba One says. “I, uh, think it’s probably time for bed.”

“Yep,” I say.

Bubba One’s answer to my question will have to wait. But I already know the answer. I know for a fact – for a FACT – that the Coyote never caught the Road Runner.

Road Runner was all business.

"...and one in the Philippines."

About 27 More Reasons Don Rickles is the funniest man on the planet. Click HERE.

Monster Trucks!

Metal Heart from Keith Loutit on Vimeo.
This is too cool. Those suckers are Hot Wheels! I know because my son has about 357 of 'em. How long did it take these guys to make this thing?

Found via defamer.com.

Next Week's "All Over the Map"

Below is my "All Over the Map" for next week from Arkansas Weekly.

I need to clear up a few rumors.

First, I am not in contention for any post in President-Elect Obama’s cabinet. I realize my name has been peppered about in some Beltway gossip, but I’m happy living in Batesville. Plus anyone with common sense will tell you that I wouldn’t be able to work with our presumptive Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, given the fact we once had a torrid love affair in the early 80s.

I will, however, be performing at the Inaugural Ball. Our new president is a fan of my solo interpretive dance routine to various Buck Owens songs, and I know that our future first lady digs how I look in a unitard.

What can I say?

Below is the cover of a recent issue of GQ featuring Olympian Michael Phelps:


There is a rumor floating around that the picture on the above cover is doctored. The gossip is the face of Phelps was superimposed on a picture of my body. This is not true. My body looks much better than his anyway.

However, I have been the victim of photo trickery when my face was inserted in the official document below:


That was when my hair was long and black. Oh, and I wore eyeliner.

Another vicious rumor I’d like to address has to do with my possible role in the divorce of Madonna and her future ex-husband Guy Ritchie. This is a truly despicable piece of gossip that is making the rounds of all the tabloids and other forms of gutter journalism. Yes, I was photographed holding hands with Guy, but it wasn’t what you think. He was going on and on about a new moisturizer, and he simply asked me to feel how soft his hands were. That was it -- just two macho heterosexual guys talking moisturizer. Nothing else.

Where was I?

Oh, there is a positive piece of gossip: I did recently complete a stint in the third season of Celebrity Rehab on television’s VH1. I’d like to thank Dr. Drew and the rest of my fellow patients -- Gary Coleman, Brigitte Nielsen, Betty White, Montel Williams, Jared from Subway, Tony Orlando, and Dr. Henry Kissinger – for helping me overcome my addiction to picking my scabs. It’s going to be the best season of Celebrity Rehab ever. Watch for it in March of 2009. It will be full of surprises. In fact, as a hint of what’s to come, let me just say this: Catfight – Betty and Brigitte.

You’ll love it.

Let’s see. What other rumors should I address? Yes, I recently lost a finger. (Note to self: check under sofa cushion.) No, I will not be playing the lead role in the upcoming film Dionne! The Life and Times of Dionne Warwick, though I did do some costume fittings for the producers, and might I say, I looked smashing in one strapless sequined gown.


Yes, I retired from the Ultimate Fighting Championship tour because not only have I developed cauliflower ear, but the fights have also caused me to suffer from potato nose, watermelon forehead and Twinkie lips.


And finally, the recent National Enquirer article connecting me with a supermodel from France is false. But there is some truth to the article in next week’s Star magazine connecting me to a goat from Cushman, and that’s all I will say about that.

I don’t want to bring Bessie any unwanted press attention. Camera flashes scare her.

New Bruce Vid. Heh. Heh.

Via amazon.com. Click here.