Friday, October 31, 2008
Click here for the "A Night with the Jersey Devil." A free download of the song is just below the video.
Not sure how long the link will last...
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I decided to post it here anyway.
My subject today is hunting.
I was born in Batesville, and my father regularly took me squirrel hunting beginning when I was eight months old.
I remember being in the woods with my Tonka trucks and my hunter orange Garanimal outfits and my 12 gauge shotgun.
I preferred to use the shotgun to kill the squirrels because at the time I liked to watch them explode off the tree limbs.
It wasn’t until I was six that I used to hunt other animals: deer, duck, turkey and possum. I also changed to smaller rifles because seeing little animals explode from shotgun blasts got old after a while.
I was a founding member of Squirrels Unlimited, and I led the monthly meetings at Kelley-Wyatt’s Restaurant. I also realized that I was the only person at the Squirrels Unlimited meetings at Kelley-Wyatt’s Restaurant. I basically was talking to an empty room. I did not realize this until a waitress broke the news to me and had a sheriff’s deputy escort me from the property. People must not like the proper conservation plans Squirrels Unlimited sponsored. People must not like squirrels.
I like squirrels. Particularly when they are fried.
I disbanded Squirrels Unlimited after my medication was adjusted and my father threatened to send me to military school.
“But Dad,” I said. “I’m 41 years old. Is there a military school for middle age men?”
“What?” He said.
“Is there a military school for middle age men?”
“Who are you?” He said.
“I’m your son.”
“What?” He said.
Then the nurse arrived in his room. “Time for your sponge bath,” she said.
“Oh,” I said. “Well, I had a shower this morning at the house.”
“No, sir,” she said. “It’s for your father.”
“Oh,” I said.
Where was I?
Oh. Anyway. My subject today is hunting.
But, I’d like to take a moment to be off-subject and discuss Billy Mays.
Do you know who Billy Mays is?
He’s the chubby guy with a beard who is always on television commercials screaming about great new cleaning inventions like OxiClean, Mighty Putty, Hercules Hook and AwesomeAuger.
Why does Billy Mays scream? I can hear him just fine. But this is not why I changed the subject from hunting to Billy Mays. But actually hunting does involve one reason I want to bring up Billy Mays.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go squirrel hunting with Billy Mays?
I’m not sure it would be a good hunting expedition.
Because, think of it: what if you are in the squirrel stand waiting for a big squirrel deep in the woods or in a city park when officials aren’t looking and what if you’re sitting there, trying to be quiet, and what if Billy Mays starts talking?
“ROB! HAVE YOU SEEN ANY SQUIRRELS YET?!? I HAVEN’T SEEN ANY! ISN’T THAT AMAZING?!?”
Do you see what I mean? Billy Mays would scare off the squirrels if you went hunting with him.
The moral of this story is do not invite Billy Mays to go squirrel hunting.
Another moral of this story is do not try to write columns after drinking four bottles of cough syrup.
You will need one poodle. Salt, pepper, flour, milk, one egg.
Skin poodle. Batter poodle in salt, pepper, flour, milk and egg. Fry until batter is crisp.
Serve and enjoy. (Keep fur to make nice toilet lid cover.)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Take a gander at the new trailer for Gran Torino (click here). The Man is still bad-ass.
Sort of like me.
Far righties on the fringe are painting this interview as an example of a television reporter "standing up" to Joe Biden, "putting him on the spot" and making him "angry." The truth, after a reasonably sane person watches the video, is that Biden calmly and smoothly hands the Stepford Anchor (Barbara West from Orlando television station WFTV) her ass on a plate.
Her interview is a joke: desperate G.O.P. talking points disguised as "tough" journalism. Imagine Sarah Palin fumbling her way through a series of completely biased questioning.
Oh, and this just in: West is married to a prominent G.O.P. strategist! I wonder if hubby helped prepare the list of questions for Biden...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Meanwhile, according to arkansasgasprices.com, the average cost per gallon in Batesville at the same time was hovering around $2.70.
So, W.R.D. Entertainment general manager Gary Bridgman interviewed Anne Hines, the executive vice president of the Arkansas Oil Marketers Association, in an attempt to get a grip on why gas prices are still high in this area, yet so low around Little Rock.
“Competition has a lot to do with it,” she said. Stations selling gas around $2.09 per gallon at this time are, according to Ms. Hines, selling it “…at cost, or close to it.”
Uhh...okay…so let me see if I can get this straight in my head: at press time, the area wholesalers are paying around $2.09 per gallon, and selling it to Batesville customers at $2.70 per gallon while customers around Little Rock -- a town that utilizes the same pipeline that serves this part of the state, according to Ms. Hines -- are reaping the benefits of gasoline that’s close to $2.00 per gallon.
I’m thinking that Ms. Hines and the Arkansas Oil Marketers Association can spin it anyway they want, but the bottom line is most local customers are feeling like Ned Beatty in Deliverance.
You can hear the squealing every time you pass a pump.
By the way, remember last week’s e-mail to this column from a local businessman suggesting a boycott of area stations until prices fell to levels that other areas are paying? He (and I) invited local suppliers to explain in this column why gasoline costs more in Batesville, but as of press time, that invitation has yet to be accepted.
I’m 100% “buy local,” and if our gas prices were even a nickel or two above what Little Rock is paying, I’d be a happy camper – along with thousands of other citizens.
I’m very disappointed in you and your column on Oct. 15 in Arkansas Weekly. I would also like to escape to a media-free cave…from people like you!
Listen to the news on the radio: Sexism about Sarah Palin.
Pick up a newspaper: Sexism about Sarah Palin.
Turn on the T.V.: Sexism about Sarah Palin.
Log onto the Internet: Sexism about Sarah Palin.
Dinner chats: Sexism about Sarah Palin.
Dreams: “Yours.” Sexism about Sarah Palin.
Disgusting! I think everyone has heard enough sex jokes about Mrs. Palin. If you men in the U.S. would look at Sarah Palin for the qualified, experienced person she is and see she is not a sex object, the world would be a better place. You might just see she is as qualified as anyone who is running for President or Vice-President.
Sarah Palin is a real person with a real family. “Enough.”
I’d like to thank the woman who sent this letter, but Barack Obama is also a real person with a real family, yet when supporters at Palin rallies yell racial epithets and threats to his life when she invokes his name, she -- like John McCain at similar rallies – does nothing to repudiate those vile comments. Neither have the G.O.P. running mates stepped up to the plate to disown the fringe far right groups that send out the ridiculous e-mails painting Obama as an unpatriotic Muslim terrorist in wait. If a few people would do five minutes of research, they would realize that 99% of those stupid e-mails are completely and utterly false.
Yep, I made a sexist joke concerning a dream about Sarah Palin in a bikini in that particular column, but the smears and lies that have been thrown toward Obama are much more ugly and dangerous than the sexism that has accompanied her arrival on the national stage.
As for my thoughts on Palin’s experience, I direct interested readers to my column last week.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Everybody's favorite atheistic booze-swilling Clinton-hater/Mother Teresa-bashing Brit, Chris Hitchens, goes slammin' on Palin.
I guess my purchase of Ford Motor Co. stock a few years ago wasn't such a great idea. Warren Buffet, I ain't.
And, finally: HOLY CRAP! STOP THE PRESSES!! How can we, as a nation, ever recover from this horrific incident?
Monday, October 20, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Official release date: October 28. Buy it!
01. BORN INTO A LIGHT
02. GO EASY
03. FIX IT
06. LET US DOWN EASY
07. CROSSED OUT NAME
08. NATURAL GHOST
09. SINK SHIPS
11. LIKE YESTERDAY
"Let your body move! Let your body sway! Listen to the music play! It's magick! It's magick!"
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
I know a few weeks ago I mentioned that I was looking for a cave. See, at the time, I simply wanted to escape from the coming days when I knew presidential politics would be discussed ad infinitum everywhere I turned. A media-free cave out in the country, I thought, would have been a perfect place to spend a few weeks. And, of course, I was right.
Listen to the news on the radio: Obama/McCain.
Pick up the newspaper: Obama/McCain.
Turn on the TV: Obama/McCain.
Log onto the internet: Obama/McCain.
Dinner chats: Obama/McCain.
And now, when I dream: Obama/McCain.
Well, I exaggerate a little on the latter. I haven’t had dreams about Obama or McCain, thank goodness. (I have, however, had many dreams regarding Sarah Palin in a bikini, but that’s another column, isn’t it?) (I’m kidding.) (Sort of.)
The incessant 24/7 coverage of the 2008 presidential race in both the media and casual, everyday conversation can be maddening, but there’s something else that’s bothersome about this race in particular.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize the dire condition in which this country currently resides. The seemingly endless bleak news that bleeds from Wall Street is just one more enormous obstacle the next president will have to face. Along with that horrific mess, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Social Security and perhaps a new Cold War with Russia, it’s clear that a pretty big “TO DO” basket awaits number 44.
So it’s a bit odd to see millions of people – on both sides – dismiss the importance of clearly thinking through their decision for one of the most crucial elections of our time.
When people practically elevate any type of public figure -- particularly a political figure – to semi-messianic status, warning bells sound in my head. I certainly think extremes in the far left did this with Hillary Clinton and, of course, Barack Obama, and I think many folks in the far right are doing this now with Sarah Palin. To many, these figures can do no wrong. Obama could shoot Barney the Dinosaur in the head on national television, and his supporters on the fringe would justify his actions, likely blaming it on Bush policies. Conversely, if a reporter dug up irrefutable evidence that Sarah Palin was the madam at an exclusive Anchorage brothel, far righties would dismiss it as a left wing media conspiracy.
Ignoring the political realities of the day for the sake of allegiance to an image – a political contender as a celebrity superstar – seems dangerous. These people are going to be taking hold of a country mired in debt and international dilemmas.
When a great friend of mine says he’s voting for the team with “the hot chick,” I laugh, but inside I’m thinking: Yikes! He’s kidding, right?!? Sarah Palin might be a beautiful woman, but I certainly don’t feel comfortable with a person, who two years ago was the mayor of a town the size of Batesville, one heartbeat away from an office held by a 72-year-old with a history of health issues. The reason Tina Fey’s impersonation of Palin on Saturday Night Live is so popular and damn funny is because it is a bull’s eye representation of her naivety. If skating by on cute winks and endless use of the word ‘maverick’ without any hard core, substantial proof that her team can change the course of the country, then we’re in trouble. It’s all glitz, catchphrases and smiles, and for some folks, that’s all they need.
All the principals in this presidential race are flawed. There, obviously, will never be a perfect candidate in any election. But if a majority of voters rely on surface-level razzle dazzle choreographed and written by Hollywood-like handlers, and do not seriously consider the meat and potatoes of what each party has to offer this country, then we’ll get what we pay for, so to speak.