The Best Hold Steady Lyrics

On July 15, the sublime king of all bar bands and Springsteen fave, The Hold Steady, will release their new CD (which, on a few songs, features Arkie Ben Nichols from Batesville fave, Lucero, on backing vocals).

In honor of the new album, I've gathered some of my favorite Hold Steady lines from their songs.

I feel Jesus in the clumsiness of young and awkward lovers.
I feel Judas in the long odds of the rackets on the corners.
I feel Jesus in the tenderness of honest nervous lovers.
I feel Judas in the pistols and the pagers that come with all the powders.

lost in fog and love and faithless fear.
I've had kisses that make Judas seem sincere.

From "Citrus" off of Boys and Girls in America

she looked just like a baby bird
all new and wet and trying to light a parliament.
he quoted her some poetry.
he's tennyson in denim and sheepskin.
he looked a lot like izzy stradlin.
they started kissing when the nurses took off their IVs.
it was kind of of sexy but it was kind of creepy.
their mouths were fizzy with the cherry cola.
they had the privacy of bedsheets
all the other kids were mostly in comas.

From "Chillout Tent" off of Boys and Girls in America

we gather our gospels from gossip and bar talk then declare them the truth.
we salvage our sermons from message boards and scene reports.
we come on to the youth.
we try out new testaments on the guys sitting next to us in the bars with the bars in their windows.
even if you don't get converted tonite you must admit that the band's pretty tight.

From "Chicago Seemed Tired Last Night" off of Separation Sunday

i've been trying to get people to call me Freddy Mercury.
people keep calling me drop dead fred.
it's hard to take it easy when half your friends are way too easy.
it's hard to get ahead when half your friends are dead.
taxmen coming around the back with the kevlar vests.
militia men cooking up a batch of crystal meth.
there's a war going down in the middle west.
there's a war going down in the middle western states.
the kevlar vests against the crystal flakes.

From "Knuckles" off of Almost Killed Me

he had a painters cap. it said panama jack.
it had the flaps on the back that kept the sun off his neck.
he woke up deep in hostile Massachusetts. reaching out to try to touch the special effects.
he had no shoes and no pants.
they dressed him in a shirt with a collar and called him Porky Pig.
the two of you went up to his room.
later on you wouldn't admit you did.

From "Hostile, Mass." off of Almost Killed Me

i had my mouth on her nose
when the chaperone said that we were dancing too close.

From "Massive Nights" off of Boys and Girls in America

she was a really cool kisser and she wasn't all that strict of a Christian.

From "Stuck Between Stations" off of Boys and Girls in America

in barlight, she looked alright
in daylight, she looked desperate
that’s alright I was desperate too

From "Sequestered in Memphis" off of Stay Positive (out July 15)

Angelina's Pop Loves His Salad

Jon Voight, the talented actor and pop of Angelina Jolie, was recently snapped at a DVD release party in LA.

Apparently, he really enjoyed the salad served at the event.

Sux & the City

OK. What kind of idiot would wear a dress like the one above as worn by Sarah Jessica Parker in the bigscreen adaptation of the HBO series, Sex and the City? No sane person, save perhaps a gaudy drag queen, would be caught DEAD in something as hideous as that outfit. Was the movie's costume designer on CRACK? Better yet, was SJP on CRACK for wearing such dreck?

However Parker, who was unfairly criticized by a men's magazine for being "unattractive" (she is pretty), must have some serious fashion issues because she wore this outfit to the SATC world premiere.

Calling Stacy and Clinton...

Next Week's "All Over the Map"

Here's my column for next week's Arkansas Weekly:

Had my first Bloody Mary the other night.

Tasty, I thought. A buddy I was with told me how they made Bloody Marys and the different variations the drink can have.

Two days later, some pals and I are having a chat. One friend decides to have a Bloody Mary.

“I want all the mix,” she says to Andy, who’s making it for her and had only poured half of the little can of Bloody Mary mix into the stainless steel shaker.

“Whooah,” Hank says, laughing. “Gotta have the whole thing.”

“And it’s gotta be the gooood kind of mix,” Lawyer Man says. “You can’t make a decent Bloody Mary with no V8.”

Hank nods. “That’s right. That’s right.”

Ms. Ruth, sitting next to her husband, is taking it all in. “Well, V8 is tomato juice, lots of shredded celery in there too, you know? Yes sir. Yes sir.”

“Boy, I would love a Bloody Mary,” Ms. Ruth’s husband says.

“Well, Andy, make him one,” Hank says.

“No,” Ms. Ruth’s husband says. “No, no, no. It’ll tear my stomach up. Ulcers.”

Ms. Ruth nods. “Yep. His ulcers will act up.”

“The best Bloody Mary has to have horseradish,” Lawyer Man says. “What you do is, you use it as the base.”

“You know what I like in mine?” Hank asks. “Heinz 57. Now that’s great in a Bloody Mary.”

Andy squirms. “Heinz 57? That’s not right. That’s just not right.”

“Heinz 57,” Ms. Ruth says to no one in particular. “Hmmm. Never heard of that. No. No. Never heard of that.” And she lets loose a laugh as she turns to me.

“What do you like in yours, Rob?

I shrugged my shoulders. “I really couldn’t tell you. I had my first one two nights ago.”

Ms. Ruth’s eyes almost pop out of their sockets. “What? Hey, everyone, hey…hey…listen, listen. Rob just had his first Bloody Mary just the other night. Iddn’t that something? Iddn’t that something? Hmmmm…Yes sir. Yes sir.”

Lawyer Man looks to me with a somewhat surprised face. “Reeeally? Huh?”

“I’ll be,” Hank says.

“Why were you having one at night? Best time to have a Bloody Mary is in the morning,” Lawyer Man says.

“I don’t know really. My buddy wanted one, and I had always wanted to see what the fuss was about, so I ordered one, too.”

“And?” Ms. Ruth asks me, as she moves to the edge of her seat.

“Oh, it was good. I enjoyed it.”

“Good. Good. That’s great,” Ms. Ruth says.

“Did it have horseradish in it?” Lawyer Man asks.

“Umm…you know I really couldn’t tell.”

“You have got to have horseradish in it for a deeecent Bloody Mary,” he repeats. “It acts as the base.”

“I would’ve put some Heinz 57 in it,” Hank says.

Ms. Ruth’s husband, looking glum, lets out a sigh. “Man, I would love to have a Bloody Mary right now.”

“It’ll tear up your stomach, babe,” she tells him.

“Now, some Bloody Marys have celery salt around the rim, like a margarita,” Lawyer Man says.

“Really?” Ms. Ruth says. “Hmmm.”

“Oh, heck,” I finally say. “Make me one, Andy. All this talk has me wanting to try one again.”

“Whooo-hooo!” Ms Ruth says with a clap of her hands. “There we go! There we go!”

“Now, Andy,” Lawyer Man says, “put some horseradish in it for him.”

Every ingredient Andy plops in the shaker is met with an “Ooooh” from the gang.

Finally, he places it in front of me. I take a sip. Everyone is looking at me without a sound.

I put down the glass.

“Well?” Ms. Ruth says as she moves back to the edge of her seat.

“That’s very good,” I finally tell them. “Much better than the one I had the other night.”

“Great!” she says with a smile.

“That horseradish makes it, doesn’t it?” Lawyer Man asks.

“I just may have one,” Hank says.

I smile, take another sip and glance over to Ms. Ruth’s husband who happens to be eyeing my glass with a wistful look.

“Man,” he finally says with another sigh. “I’d love to have a Bloody Mary.”

Harvey and Sydney -- R.I.P.

Two of my favorite Hollywood chaps have passed away. Brilliant comic actor Harvey Korman died yesterday at the age of 81. I grew up watching Korman banter with Carol Burnett and Tim Conway on The Carol Burnett Show. And his appearances in a few Mel Brooks films, particularly Blazing Saddles (above), were incredibly enjoyable.

On another website, someone predicted that at the funeral, Tim Conway will stare at the casket just a little too long and Harvey will start laughing.

And director/producer/actor Sydney Pollack lost a nine month battle with cancer this past Monday. Pollack churned out a wide range of studio films, including Tootsie, Out of Africa, The Firm and my favorite, Three Days of the Condor.

But his acting performances were always special: the frazzled agent in Tootise, the sinister millionaire friend of Tom Cruise's character in Eyes Wide Shut, the adulterous husband in Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives, and the cold lawyer in last year's brilliant Michael Clayton. (And his cameo as the shocked doctor who discovers Meryl Streep's neck is broken in Death Becomes Her was the funniest thing about that movie.)

Good memories of these two men will last a lifetime.

Secret Messages

Put together the first letter of every paragraph in this Washington Post article.

It was the reporter's last day at the Post.

'Wanted' Russian Trailer Enduces Drool

Wanted, an upcoming action film with Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman and James McAvoy, looked like another big budget studio video game adaptation/turd based on its U.S. trailer. (Think Hitman meets Tomb Raider.)

After seeing this Russian-language trailer of the film however, all bets are off. It looks like jaw dropping fun.

And, this Spanish-language trailer for the new film featuring Jolie's love looks even better. Of course, with David Fincher directing, it has to be interesting to say the least.

Weezer Strikes Again!

Best. Video. In. Years.

Click here for the youtube fun.

WTF? Green Day Played Little Rock This Week?

Yep.

The punkish pop megastars performed at Juanita's in Little Rock Monday night to a sold out crowd.

Of course, many unsuspecting folks had no idea Green Day was in town because the band was performing under their new incarnation/alter ego, The Foxboro Hot Tubs. It should be noted that the touring guitarist for Green Day/FHT is none other than Little Rock resident Jason White -- so that's likely one reason for the surprise show.

The debut CD from FHT, Stop, Drop and Roll, hit stores yesterday.

Next Week's "All Over the Map"

Below is my column for next week's Arkansas Weekly:

Forget McCain or Obama, if I were president the first thing I would do is declare myself president for life.

Then, I’d have a fancy fashion designer make me some cool military suit with a big hat like Napoleon used to wear. To keep it a tad contemporary, I’d wear mirrored aviator sunglasses all the time and my pants would be leather.

I’d have two national anthems: one commissioned by me to have Bruce Springsteen write and sing, and then the other would be the James McClean campaign song – which I miss since it ended with last week’s primary.

I would declare Hugh Hefner my vice president, and I would have him oversee the construction of the world’s largest Slip n’ Slide on the White House lawn. State dinners would be replaced with Slip n’ Slide parties. No tuxes. Just Bermuda shorts and bikinis. And Bruce would be the musical entertainment along with Ryan (not Bryan!) Adams. In fact, I would have Bryan Adams, along with each American Idol contestant and winner, imprisoned for life. Of course, Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood would be exempt from such a sentence, and they would be welcome to perform at all Slip n’ Slide state parties – particularly the latter AI winner.

George Michael and Barry Manilow would also be imprisoned, but with hard labor sentences. In fact, executions for those two might be considered. Yes, it’s harsh – but think people: “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” and “I Write the Songs.” Need I say more?

I would also force all oil executives to begin accepting a yearly salary of $100,000 or face prison. They would then have one week after my reign begins to sink all oil profits into the market to lower gas prices to $1.00 per gallon. Any executive who would balk at my order would be forced to share the prison cell with George Michael and Barry Manilow. Or, they might also be sent to Iraq and Afghanistan to fight alongside our soldiers. In fact, I’d bring all the troops home, and force the oil executives to live over there on $50 a month.

There would be no censorship of any type of entertainment with the exception of Matthew McConaughey movies and Grey’s Anatomy. Oh, and book burnings would only be encouraged if they involved titles by The Dog Whisperer or Dr. Phil.

Siestas would be required at all businesses, and tax incentives would be offered to any business that had Slip n’ Slide Fridays.

Of course, just because I would be president of the United States for life doesn’t mean that I would forget about my peeps here in Arkansas. No, in fact, Arkansas would replace New York City as the center of the Universe. The following companies would be forced to move their headquarters and affiliated businesses to Arkansas: Google, Microsoft, Boeing, Apple, the United States operations and factories of Toyota, and just for fun, Maxim magazine.

Wall St. would move to Harrison St. in Batesville which, by the way, would have all of its construction and renovations moved to the nighttime hours. And a President Rob ruling would require the highway department to have such renovations complete within one week of the beginning of my reign.

On an international level, I would invite all of our allies and enemies to monthly Slip n’ Slide state parties. Such a gesture would immediately cool tensions between all countries, religions and cultures, and encourage brotherhood among nations because, really, once the president of Syria and Israel’s prime minister saw each other in their bathing suits, then they would realize we’re all just alike.

Plus, when they see Carrie Underwood going down the presidential Slip n’ Slide, they’ll really know the world worth saving.

Just Kill Me Now

Seriously.

The Apocalypse kicked off this morning on the Today show.

Click here for the TMZ link to the beginning of the end.

And Now, Colbert's "Meltdown"

In solidarity with Bill O'Reilly, Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert releases one of his own on-air "meltdowns" for your viewing pleasure. Click here for the vid.

Meltdown Motherlode

Whoo-hoo! In lieu of Bill O'Reilly's Inside Edition explosion and the f-bomb dropping by Sue Simmons, the folks at Gawker have compiled the Top Ten On-Air Meltdowns. Click here for the fun!

Another Anchor Meltdown

Hey, these things are getting fun!

Click here for another anchor tirade, this time from NYC's WNBC lovely, Sue Simmons!

Keith Richards' Dad Surfaces

Is it me, or has Harry Dean Stanton had some work done? Or maybe he's been feverishly working out with his personal trainer because HDS just doesn't seem like the plastic surgeon kind of guy, you know?

Either way, he is, as the above photo attests, a chick magnet. Not bad for a 127-year-old man who smokes 342 cigarettes a day.

"WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!!!!"

Does anyone remember that classic SNL skit when the hosts of a TV morning show have a complete meltdown when their teleprompter fails?

Well, then, sit back, have some popcorn, and watch one Bill O'Reilly and his semi-Simon Le Bon hairstyle completely lose it when the same thing happens to him. Click here for the video.

Go, Rex Reed, Go!

Maybe it's me, but I can't figure out if Rex Reed liked Speed Racer or not.

Read his review here.

And, by the way, where DID Rex get that lovely scarf?

The Ghost of Wilbur D. Mills Meets His Match

Who said Wilbur D. Mills was Kensett, Arkansas' most famous native? Now, there's Beth Ditto -- lead singer of the cult band, Gossip. The band recently released a live CD, Live in Liverpool, on Sony Records, and the video for the song, "Standing in the Way of Control," is getting play on MTV.

I had heard of Ditto last year when long-bearded music wonderman, Rick Rubin (Beastie Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Tom Petty, Audioslave, Johnny Cash, Neil Diamond), was praising Ditto and her band in an interview. What threw me for a loop was the fact that Ditto not only hails from Kensett, but Gossip was formed in Searcy in 2000. After moving to Portland, Oregon, the band started to gain some traction and exploded in popularity in Europe, where NME nominated the proudly healthy and (at times) wildly eccentric-looking lead singer as the Sexiest Woman of 2007. She ended up losing to Kate Moss. Ditto did, however, perform with Brit rocker Jarvis Cocker at the NME awards ceremony. And for a video of the performance, click here.

For a video of "Standing in the Way of Control" from the Live in Liverpool DVD, click here.

For a video featuring me in a cameo, click here. (I show up around the 1:27 mark and the 3:36 mark. Please disregard my son's attempt at dancing like Justin Timberlake and my horrible posture.)

Next Week's "All Over the Map"

This my column for next week's Arkansas Weekly.

A few years back, I wrote a column regarding the trend of metrosexuality. To refresh: a metrosexual is a straight guy who tends to keep up with things usually associated with the feminine world such as fashion and culture. This might be a man who knows linen can be worn after Easter and who remembers to moisturize his face before bedtime, but his tongue still rolls out of his mouth whenever he watches the latest Mariah Carey video.

However as with any trend, some metrosexuals tend to go overboard and cross a line that men should not cross – ever.

Some examples:

Wearing Capri pants. No man should wear Capri pants. Those are the pants stop mid-calf. Women made them popular, but on men, not only do they look like floods, but they also are a reminder why women made them popular: They’re girly-looking. And if you’re not careful, wearing Capri pants in some parts of Independence and Jackson counties could find you in serious trouble. Ask my brother.

Waxing your body. Why do men suddenly feel the need to wax all the hair off their body? Unless you’re a competitive body builder or a professional swimmer, there’s no need for a man to be smooth all over. Now I can understand if one has a back that’s so thick with hair it could be combed, but with the exception of the ears and nose, men are supposed to have hair in places women should not. Agreed?

Having manicured eyebrows. Now, this might fit in the above category, but it’s a trend that’s so popular it needs special attention. Gentlemen, unless your eyebrows rival those of Andy Rooney, leave them alone. No offense to the cross dressers out there, but guys with thin, manicured eyebrows look like transvestites in men’s clothes. And the excuse that your “stylist” – the woman who cuts your hair – went a little too happy with the tweezers or wax strips on your brows doesn’t cut it. You allowed her to go down that road to begin with, so you, young man, are responsible.

Baking quiche. The old saying “Real men don’t eat quiche” is bunk. A decent piece of quiche makes for some good eats. However, men baking quiche is another issue entirely. Men cook steaks, pork, chicken and fish. They do not bake pies of any sort.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy. Now, this will likely start a debate, but I’m ready. The popular ABC medical drama, Grey’s Anatomy, is nothing but a soap opera or a weekly chick flick. Any show where the lead male character is referred to as “Dr. McDreamy” should not be viewed by any man who thoroughly enjoys the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. In fact, I would bet money that any man who does enjoy the swimsuit edition has never watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

Seeing any movie with Matthew McConaughey and Patrick Dempsey. These two guys are the chick flick kings. Dempsey (who, surprise, plays Dr. McDreamy on the aforementioned television show) has been in such syrup-drenched muck as Sweet Home Alabama and the new Made of Honor and also appeared as a modern-day Prince Charming in Disney’s chick flick for tweens, Enchanted. For once, it’d be nice to see him in a role that requires him to pick up a gun and splatter a bad guy's brains across a wall. The chances of that ever happening are about as likely as McConaughey making a movie in which he keeps on his shirt. McConaughey has had a serious problem throughout his career: he can’t make a decent film. Okay, sure, A Time to Kill and his stoner role in Dazed & Confused were decent (the latter more than the former), but sitting through any of his movies since is similar to taking an aluminum baseball bat and swatting it against your head over and over.

I could go on, but I’ll stop. The waters of metrosexuality are dangerous and murky. There’s nothing wrong with being hip, knowing a decent bottle of wine and keeping your skin healthy, but for heaven’s sake, grow some hair and replace Grey’s Anatomy with The Deadliest Catch.

And gentlemen, if I catch you in a pair of Capri pants walking into a Matthew McConaughey flick, there will be blood.

Just as long as I don’t get it on my linen shirt.