I can't decide if I like the "Oops! I spilled soapy water on my thighs!" pic, or the "Who wants some chocolate frosting?" pic.
And, you know, it's funny...I have the exact same outfit she's wearing in the pie photo.
Click here for whole enchilada.
SCENE: THE MEDIA ROOM AT THE FRANK BROYLES ATHLETIC COMPLEX, FAYETTEVILLE, ARKANSAS.
A crowd of reporters has packed into the room for a special announcement regarding the Arkansas Razorbacks football team. There are whispers and murmurs regarding the possibility that University of Arkansas Athletic Director Frank Broyles is about to name a new head football coach, replacing the current embattled coach, Houston Nutt. Replacement names bandied about by armchair quarterbacks have included the former University of Miami football coach, Larry Coker, and the current North Carolina football coach, Butch Davis.
And now…it looks as if something is happening in the room adjacent to the podium, and yes, here comes Coach Broyles. The room stirs with anticipation. Cameras click as Coach Broyles walks with a bit of uncertainty to the podium. He is, of course, in his eighties, so this can be expected, but there is a noticeable shuffle in his walk. His tie is loosened, and his hair is somewhat tousled. He looks, quite honestly, a tad disheveled, as if he has been up all night. And, it looks as if he is carrying a beverage can of some sort in his right hand. He’s now at the podium, so let’s listen in.
Here, now, the U of A Athletic Director…Frank Broyles.
He coughs a bit, clears his throat. He takes a sip from the can, and there seems to be a bit of a burp after his final swallow.
“Excuse me,” he says with a chuckle. “Okay…let’s just get right down to it. All these internet bloggers and newspaper columnists…plus, all these so-called Razorback fans have been on my hind end for the past month about the so-called mediocrity of Coach Nutt’s football program. I’ve heard nothing but complaints from all types of people…hell, some of ‘em even protested over here across the street. Everybody questioning Coach Nutt, questioning my judgment, my support of Houston Dale…hell, I’m almost 90 years old, and I’ve got some 25-year-old fat tub of guts with a computer blog telling me how to do my job. It’s enough to drive a man to drink.”
The coach pauses and smiles when he looks down to his can – which, I’ve now been told, is Coors Light.
Coach Broyles burps again.
“Where was I? Oh. Yeah. Anyway, so, the other night, I was in the Jacuzzi with my wife, and I just told her I was dad-gum sick of it, so…I made a few phone calls…and, uh…well, I’m happy to announce today that the University of Arkansas now has a new head football coach…”
The room comes alive with loud whispers and more camera clicks. And, then from the adjacent room, we can see a tall thin man emerge wearing a Razorback baseball cap. He walks hesitantly, but smiles and waves a bit to the room. This is not, we can report, Coach Coker or Coach Davis. The man looks to be in his mid-30s. He has a moustache. He’s walking to the podium and Coach Broyles extends his arm to the man.
“Folks, this here is the new head football coach of the Hogs – Coach Borat Sagdiyev. Coach Borat…say a few words.”
This is incredible news, ladies and gentlemen! Coach Borat Sagdiyev. He must be of some type of European descent because he has just kissed Coach Broyles on both cheeks. Let’s listen to him now…
“Very nice. Very nice. Um, thank you Coach Broyles and the great state of Ar-kansas. Um…Woo-Pig! Woo-Pig! Oink! Oink! Very nice. Very nice.”
Coach Borat has just turned to Coach Broyles with his hand raised.
The two coaches just gave each other five. I must say, this is the oddest press conference I’ve ever attended.
“Um…It is much exciting to be new football coach of Razorpigs. While I am sad Coach Nutts and his brother had to leave, I am still excite to be coach of such big group of players. So while we may have lost our Nutts, it looks like we will have two Dicks with, um, Nathan and Casey.
“You know, in Kazakhstan, where I from, football is very big, very big. Only difference is, in Kazakhstan, actual football is head of goat and cheerleaders usually have no teeth. Here in Ar-kansas, it will be fun to play with real football and last night I learn the cheerleaders here are very nice! Very nice! High five! High five!”
Coach Broyles and Coach Borat have just given each other five again. They are also elbowing each other with big grins.
It looks as if Mike Irwin, a fellow reporter, has a question. He stands.
“Coach Broyles – no disrespect intended here, but have you had any kind of major head injury in the past few days?”
Coach Broyles moves to the microphone.
“Hey, Irwin. I’ve been reading your blog, too. Do me a favor, will you? Kiss this.”
Oh, my! Coach Broyles has just mooned the crowd. The audience erupts. Chairs are thrown. In the chaos, I see Coach Borat – who is still smiling, by the way – turn to ask Coach Broyles a question.
“Coach. When I go back to see cheerleaders again? They very nice. Very nice.”