Oops! Rachel Spilled Some Soapy Water On Her Thighs!

Now, I haven't really been a fan of Rachel Ray, the disturbingly perky kitchen goddess who -- one day -- I would like to see in a catfight with Martha Stewart, but after learning she has posed for men's magazine FHM, I have an entirely new outlook on this cooking vixen.

I can't decide if I like the "Oops! I spilled soapy water on my thighs!" pic, or the "Who wants some chocolate frosting?" pic.

And, you know, it's funny...I have the exact same outfit she's wearing in the pie photo.

Click here for whole enchilada.

Babel

Even though it hits DVD in two or three weeks, Babel finally -- and surprisingly -- arrived at my local cinema screen over the weekend. From the Mexican director/screenwriter team of Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu and Guillermo Arriaga who brought us such happyfests as Amores Perros and 21 Grams, comes another fun-loving, multi-plot piece of arthouse cinema that, all sarcasm aside, will send many a viewer to either a) the nearest bottle of Prozac, b) the nearest noose hanging from a rafter, or c) the nearest oven in which one can place their head.

Oops -- I did say all sarcasm aside, didn't I?

Can any film be any more depressing? Let's see: you have an American couple on vacation in Morocco trying to get over the death of their infant when the wife is shot by a stray bullet; you have that American couple's illegal immigrant nanny who ferries the couple's two little children into Mexico for the nanny's son's wedding -- only to have all three thrust into a desolate and dangerous border crossing in the dead of night; you have a teenage Japanese deaf-mute schoolgirl, the daughter of a lonely businessman whose wife has recently committed suicide, who desperately and awkwardly craves attention through sex and Ecstasy; and, finally, you have the soul-crushing saga of two Moroccan goat-herding boys who come across a Japanese businessman's hunting rifle...and well, you can connect the dots from there.

For the majority of the film's 143 minutes, we're subjected to hardship after hardship for these sympathetic characters. At one point, when the nanny and the kids are in a terrifying situation and the nanny does the unthinkable, I almost got up and walked out. It's as if Inarritu and Arriaga were gleefully grinding these poor innocents through the most horrible of fates -- all for the Artisitc vision of showing how horrific and desolate this world has become.

Yet I stuck with it -- and I'm glad for it. Babel is a tortuous film. It does finds itself mired in pretension and suffering for the sake of "artistic purity" or whatever... It's likely the most depressing film I've seen since Bicycle Thieves. But, in the end -- in the final 10 minutes, accompanied to the glorious strains of Ryuichi Sakamoto's "Bibo No Aozora," the sun shifts and the clouds part, and the beauty of love and parenthood and redemption are brought to light. There's still suffering in this land of miscommunication and cultural barriers (thus the Biblical reference in the title), but there is hope.

I'm not sure I can recommend Babel. Its intentions are pure and noble, and as a parent, its drama hits particularly close to home. Inarritu (who dedicates the film to his children) and Arriaga are ridiculously blessed with talent, and the film is pure Cinema. All of the acting is top-notch (Brad Pitt, as the American husband dealing with his bloody and stricken wife in a remote Moroccan village, delivers his best performance since Seven), and the film is assured and sometimes breathtaking. (The Japanese rave segment, where the young deaf-mute is exhilarated and betrayed in the same breath, is one of the most captivating film scenes I've experienced in years.)

Yet...the tragedy heaped upon these characters is nihilistic to the extreme. I was tired and ragged as I left the theatre at 12:30 in the morning, ready to crawl into bed and embrace my kids and hug them as tightly as I possibly could.

And, perhaps, the guidance to the simple appreciation of our blessings was what Inarritu and Arriaga had intended all along...

* * *

By the way, it was odd and very nice to head into a rural Arkansas cinema on a Saturday night to see one film directed by an acclaimed Mexican filmmaker and to glance directly across the hall and notice another film showing directed by another acclaimed Mexican filmmaker. They will likely be gone by Thursday, but still, in this age of Epic Movie and Hitcher nonsense, it was refreshing and welcome.

Olivia Newton Seger?

Um...it's good to have Bob back and all...but...um, didn't the headband go away with Bjorn Borg and Olivia Newton John?

Next week's column.

Here is an advance, and uncensored, version of my column for next week's Arkansas Weekly.

Remember: satire.

SCENE: THE MEDIA ROOM AT THE FRANK BROYLES ATHLETIC COMPLEX, FAYETTEVILLE, ARKANSAS.

A crowd of reporters has packed into the room for a special announcement regarding the Arkansas Razorbacks football team. There are whispers and murmurs regarding the possibility that University of Arkansas Athletic Director Frank Broyles is about to name a new head football coach, replacing the current embattled coach, Houston Nutt. Replacement names bandied about by armchair quarterbacks have included the former University of Miami football coach, Larry Coker, and the current North Carolina football coach, Butch Davis.

And now…it looks as if something is happening in the room adjacent to the podium, and yes, here comes Coach Broyles. The room stirs with anticipation. Cameras click as Coach Broyles walks with a bit of uncertainty to the podium. He is, of course, in his eighties, so this can be expected, but there is a noticeable shuffle in his walk. His tie is loosened, and his hair is somewhat tousled. He looks, quite honestly, a tad disheveled, as if he has been up all night. And, it looks as if he is carrying a beverage can of some sort in his right hand. He’s now at the podium, so let’s listen in.

Here, now, the U of A Athletic Director…Frank Broyles.

“Howdy, folks.”

He coughs a bit, clears his throat. He takes a sip from the can, and there seems to be a bit of a burp after his final swallow.

“Excuse me,” he says with a chuckle. “Okay…let’s just get right down to it. All these internet bloggers and newspaper columnists…plus, all these so-called Razorback fans have been on my hind end for the past month about the so-called mediocrity of Coach Nutt’s football program. I’ve heard nothing but complaints from all types of people…hell, some of ‘em even protested over here across the street. Everybody questioning Coach Nutt, questioning my judgment, my support of Houston Dale…hell, I’m almost 90 years old, and I’ve got some 25-year-old fat tub of guts with a computer blog telling me how to do my job. It’s enough to drive a man to drink.”

The coach pauses and smiles when he looks down to his can – which, I’ve now been told, is Coors Light.

Coach Broyles burps again.

“Where was I? Oh. Yeah. Anyway, so, the other night, I was in the Jacuzzi with my wife, and I just told her I was dad-gum sick of it, so…I made a few phone calls…and, uh…well, I’m happy to announce today that the University of Arkansas now has a new head football coach…”

The room comes alive with loud whispers and more camera clicks. And, then from the adjacent room, we can see a tall thin man emerge wearing a Razorback baseball cap. He walks hesitantly, but smiles and waves a bit to the room. This is not, we can report, Coach Coker or Coach Davis. The man looks to be in his mid-30s. He has a moustache. He’s walking to the podium and Coach Broyles extends his arm to the man.

“Folks, this here is the new head football coach of the Hogs – Coach Borat Sagdiyev. Coach Borat…say a few words.”

This is incredible news, ladies and gentlemen! Coach Borat Sagdiyev. He must be of some type of European descent because he has just kissed Coach Broyles on both cheeks. Let’s listen to him now…

“Very nice. Very nice. Um, thank you Coach Broyles and the great state of Ar-kansas. Um…Woo-Pig! Woo-Pig! Oink! Oink! Very nice. Very nice.”

Coach Borat has just turned to Coach Broyles with his hand raised.

“High five!”

The two coaches just gave each other five. I must say, this is the oddest press conference I’ve ever attended.

“Um…It is much exciting to be new football coach of Razorpigs. While I am sad Coach Nutts and his brother had to leave, I am still excite to be coach of such big group of players. So while we may have lost our Nutts, it looks like we will have two Dicks with, um, Nathan and Casey.

“You know, in Kazakhstan, where I from, football is very big, very big. Only difference is, in Kazakhstan, actual football is head of goat and cheerleaders usually have no teeth. Here in Ar-kansas, it will be fun to play with real football and last night I learn the cheerleaders here are very nice! Very nice! High five! High five!”

Coach Broyles and Coach Borat have just given each other five again. They are also elbowing each other with big grins.

It looks as if Mike Irwin, a fellow reporter, has a question. He stands.

“Coach Broyles – no disrespect intended here, but have you had any kind of major head injury in the past few days?”

Coach Broyles moves to the microphone.

“Hey, Irwin. I’ve been reading your blog, too. Do me a favor, will you? Kiss this.”

Oh, my! Coach Broyles has just mooned the crowd. The audience erupts. Chairs are thrown. In the chaos, I see Coach Borat – who is still smiling, by the way – turn to ask Coach Broyles a question.

“Coach. When I go back to see cheerleaders again? They very nice. Very nice.”

LISTEN TO ME! THIS IS IMPORTANT!

These are words of wisdom!

Write them down!

Take them to heart!

This is important!

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

OK. Here we go: it's just like a mini-mall!

The Landers Reborn

The oldest movie theater in Arkansas is about to be reborn as a studio apartment complex. The Landers theater is being renovated by Batesville residents Steve and Beth Carpenter. In addition to the residences, a cafe is scheduled to open in the front section of the building. The neon sign will also be refurbished.

These are some pics of the Landers pre-renovation, taken today. The third picture was taken in the old projection booth. Those are trees growing in the former auditorium, which has been without a roof for about six or seven years.